About friends...

Moving + not having a job = not too many friends for me. I have been feeling like I need something more for myself for a while now. My sweet N is the greatest, but C has been working crazy hours and I feel a little nuts after spending long periods of time talking to myself or talking to a little boy who can't talk back. My parents are the next closest and while they are great people who only want the best for me, it gets exhausting because I feel a little like I have three kids to take care of when they are over (they are both in their late 60's and have some minor medical issues).

I need someone closer to my age who is going through similar things. I may have found that tonight, but I feel like it has been so long since I really talked to someone I would like to build a friendship with that I keep replaying and picking apart our 10 minute chat in my mind.

I was in the baby section of Tar.get and quickly bonded with someone over our glee that formula was on sale this week. She mentioned that she has an 8 month old boy (only 2 months older than mine) and that we live in the same town (so our boys would likely be in the same class when they start school).

She was sweet and open and the whole time we talked I felt like my desperation to have a friend was so obvious. I suggested we get coffee sometime and we exchanged email addresses. I don't know what will come of our meeting. Sometimes your life crosses paths with someone and it is not meant to be anything more than a fleeting moment. Or, we could have a nice friendship.

I hope it is the latter. I need a friend.

About anger...

When I wrote that last post, I had no idea I would have an opportunity just a few days later to put it into action. Without going into a whole bunch of detail, family (inlaws) have been in town for a few days. C has a new work schedule and wasn't available at the moment my protective mom arms reached out and took care of a situation.

For something as simple as my feeling like the television was way too loud for the little baby ears working some time in the bouncy seat and I requested a reasonable volume, it escalated into frustration and anger from all sides. I felt alone in my battle and trapped in my house. I don't think I have ever felt so angry in my 35 years on this planet.

I come from a family of throwers, never throwing things at people, but there are a few of us who have been known to throw a book or a box or a plate (or a vacuum, Grandma!) in anger and frustration. I threw my cell phone (and broke the case). Baby N was well out of way of any yelling or throwing, in fact, happily bouncing away in another room oblivious to anything other than a happy hippo hanging off what we call the "bouncy house".

I was furious and furiously trying to find a place to put my feelings. I started making food for DH's overnight work shift and got halfway through before I started pacing again. If it was possible for smoke to come out of the top of my head, it would have poured out and set the fire alarm off. I paced for 20 minutes white knuckling what was left of my cell phone case.

When half of my problem went up to bed, I approached the other half in the hopes for a reasonable discussion. My sweet boy still needed one more bottle before bed, but he was still happy in the seat, so I took the opportunity to try to clear the air. I'm one who has trouble sleeping until a problem is resolved.

I feel like I am being a little lame withholding details, so hopefully this is not too confusing to follow, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on the kind of person you are), one of my inlaws is a therapist. With my body at the full capacity for stress and frustration, I approached my inlaw who helped me slowly unclench and talk out the situation. And after 2 and a half hours, I was feeling a little better, although puffy eyed (still) and headachy.

I slept pretty good. Have had a great morning with my baby boy and C is back from his overnight shift. I still haven't spoken to the other half of the conflict and I'm not sure if it will be discussed any further or we will just magically move past it.

I don't have a problem with magically moving past it, but I want to clear the air if it could save the weekend and help for any future situations. I strive to be someone who can learn from my experience.

I have said it before, but I want my son to grow up in a house where he feels comfortable saying what he needs, expressing his feelings without fear of the consequence or judgement and live in a house where he feels secure.

Changing

diapers in the back seat of my car in the 98 degree heat of summer is brutal. But, then my little guy smiles at me as he sticks his little heel in the poopy diaper that I haven't moved out of the way fast enough and I laugh and I remember worrying that I would never experience this. To be honest, I never really pictured myself changing a diaper in the back seat of my car, or on a folding chair in the bathroom of my car dealer or on a big flat rock at the river's edge. But I have and I do and I laugh.

IVF gave me a little edge. It took away some of my modesty and shyness. But, it gave me the strength to be a mom now. The kind of mom who does what she has to do. IVF makes you do what you have to do, stick a needle in your own thigh in the bathroom at work, put your legs up in stirrups for a room full of doctors and nurses and take hormones that bring you to the brink of edginess and tears and then push you right over.

And now, the things I have to do are not as physically painful, but they require new effort on my part. If I have questions about my sweet boy, I have to be proactive (even more than I am for myself) to get my questions answered and "take care of business" as my Dad would say. I am extra aware of my surroundings and if someone is yelling or smoking (for example), I need to be strong enough to get my baby out of there and either say something or just get up and move. It is not that I wouldn't have done those things to protect myself, it is just different with my baby because it feels more urgent and I feel more protective (of course, the new goal is not to become over-protective....but that is another story).

Blogging has been taking a back seat lately, but life has been equally joyful and exhausting. I have been finding tiny moments to pluck my eyebrows and catch up on emails and even think about something other than changing diapers and washing bottles. Working on my hobbies still doesn't last more than 20 minutes at a time, but I'll take what I can get.