Close. Time. Almost. Stuff.

I've written posts about how my brain felt like it was all over the place. Like I had so many things I wanted to do before I was due. And now, that due date is the closest it has ever been.

Amazingly enough, a day that I never thought I would get to have came this past weekend. My baby shower. My own. Mine.

It was so surreal. As I walked in the door, the host of the party, a fairly new friend of mine asked me if I was going to cry. I wasn't. And I'm a crier. I was just too happy to cry and made my way around her house to appreciate every detail of the party.

I didn't want to forget a thing. From the small table by the door overflowing with favors to the fabric alphabet blocks hanging from the ceiling. Then from the big bowl of fruit punch on the counter to the cake made to look EXACTLY like the baby quilt I picked out. And then there was the clothesline filled with baby clothes and socks and hats and blankets hanging across the dining room. I didn't want to forget a single detail.

I'm not usually one to post a lot of pictures...but this cake was outrageous!

It was a very small group. I recently moved and most of of my family and friends are 7+ hours away, never mind trying to travel during this endless winter that some are experiencing. But that small group was perfect. Me, feeling especially round and bloaty, surrounded by the people who are closest to me.

This day clicked into place like so many moments of this pregnancy so far. The first time I POAS and it was positive, the first time I walked into my OB's office, the first time a food (steak) made me dry heave, our first class at the hospital, the first time I walked into a maternity store to shop for myself, the day my belly popped and I looked officially pregnant, the first time a stranger noticed and commented on my pregnancy, the first time I realized an orange makes our little guy dance in my belly and the first (of many) times I finished off a bottle of Tu.ms.

And now, at exactly 33 weeks pregnant, surrounded by the baby stuff quickly filling up every corner of our home, I feel a bit rushed. Every Saturday in February is booked with classes at the hospital. There is some well-meaning pressure from friends and family to "help" and I'm feeling a bit lost. I imagine what I am writing will not come out exactly right. Maybe it sounds like I am not grateful. I am beyond grateful. I am just a little overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with a party that was for me, but not for me, if that makes any sense. I guess I am afraid of losing my identity when I become a mom. I wonder if that happens when you get pregnant at 34 years old instead of being much younger or if I am just being selfish.

I know that when I look back at my life, being pregnant will be an absolute highlight. I have LOVED these past 33 weeks. I'm just afraid. Afraid of how completely life is going to change. And I know...when I say that to people who have kids, they immediately launch into how life changes for the better. But, I have been me for a long time. A little lost, a little neurotic and a little goofy.

And, I don't know how to be a mommy without losing the part of me that makes me awesome.

How we got here

Tonight, while standing on long line, after a long day, I stood behind my husband and rested my head on his shoulder. Suddenly a female voice popped up, "Excuse me....are you having a boy?"

Tonight was the first time a stranger noticed and commented (and guessed right!) about me being pregnant. She said she could tell by the way I was carrying....high. I told her that would be why I have nightly heartburn and run out of air while bending over to put my socks on.

It was a small moment that made me smile big. It also made me think about how we got here...

I can remember making that first phone call to our new RE in January 2009. We thought that the new year and new doctor would bring us a new baby. The RE didn't have any appointments until February so we had to wait. But, whats a little more waiting for a couple who have spent the four years prior doing a whole lot of the same.

February came and I can remember sitting in our RE's office for the first time. I am a smiley person by nature and that day we were feeling hopeful and encouraged. I smiled at the receptionist when we walked in, the people in the waiting room while we waited our turn and I smiled at our RE.

There would be other days when I sat in that room with no smile. With tears. With frustration, with boredom and sometimes with a face of stone, just going through the motions.

But not that day.

Dr. R mentioned IVF and their success rates first. I remember making the face. The face that meant, "Not yet. I'm not ready for IVF yet and maybe not ever." That felt way too big.

We left with a plan to try IUIs first. He told us that if they are going to work usually it will happen with the first or second try, but that many couples go on to do three, four, five or more. We wanted to try the less invasive, cheaper and less medicated option first. One at least, maybe two. We would play it by ear, still hopeful and we left smiling.

March 2009. Our first IUI. It didn't interfere with any family events or work (it fell on a weekend). It was fairly easy. Nonetheless, it was a brand new world to us; medications, sp.erm collection, cath.eters. The nurse dimmed the lights and when it was done, I felt like I needed a hug. It felt so scientific and sterile. We picked up some lunch on the way home and I laid on the couch with my feet up, hoping and praying and coming to the quick realization that this was going to be a long 2ww.

Negative.

We would go on to have two more IUIs resulting in a BFN. Those IUIs were maddening. We missed a family reunion that summer because it fell on exactly the same weekend. We went on to miss a big Thanksgiving due to more wasted time (and money) in the stirrups. Looking back, I guess we could have timed it better, but we were at the mercy of my cycle and we didn't want to wait any longer than what we already had.

Each time we would get a negative, I would want to wallow in it for a while. And then my body needed to recover and then we were ready to go again, and again and again.

The doctor started talking about a laparoscopy, there was a cyst that wasn't going away. We started feeling like we were being led to IVF. More and more signs started pointing in that direction.

But, we thought maybe one more IUI was in our future. And then we thought better of it. We had already tried it three times. We were already $6,000 into it. And Christm.as was coming and I didn't want to spend another family holiday in stirrups. So we decided three was enough for us. The lap was scheduled for January 2010.

I started blogging in March 2010, just a few days before our first IVF. It was the day of my last ultrasound before my first ever egg retrieval. The emotion of that first IVF is still as fresh in my mind as what I had for dinner tonight.

It was our second IVF that worked. The one that changed everything. The one that is bringing a little boy almost a year to the day that of that last ultrasound right before my very first egg retrieval.

As the Tum.s digest...

Tum.s and I are still very good friends and I really appreciate my blog friends offering up some more solutions for relief.

I just wanted to get a few updates out...last week I had my 24 week appointment! It is amazing that I am now more than halfway through and I look back at my posts from July and it feels like a dream.

The appointment went great. I have gained 16(!) pounds since I started and asked the doctor if that was too much or ok, and she said since I was measuring exactly 24 weeks, she was fine with the weight gain.

Our sweet little boy is doing great, strong heartbeat and only sometimes uses my bladder as a squeeze toy...like right now.

Next appointment is coming up December 22nd and it will be a little busier. I have to get the rhog.am shot, but the better news is that we will get another ultrasound. At the appointment before last they found that my placenta was a little low (marginal), and they are expecting it to move up with my uterus on its own, so this upcoming visit will double check.

I had my glucos.e tolerance test this morning. It was pretty painless. I heard conflicting things about eating vs. not eating before the appointment, so decided to go on an empty stomach and keep my fingers crossed. I went with fruit punch flavor and it was nice and cold and went down fine...although I heard stories about how nasty it was, it was over quick enough.

I felt fine after I drank it and waited the hour, but by the time I got home I had a small headache and a big stomachache. A good friend of mine calls that particular brand of stomachache "bubble guts". After lunch and some rest, I was back to normal pretty quick.

So...as I fall asleep on my keyboard I'll say goodnight to you and to the little boy kicking me and reminding me just how blessed our lives are.

Night, night.

All is quiet

And by that I mean the dog next door has finally stopped barking. Seriously, he has been barking for what feels like hours. We live in the sticks and so any kind of leaf rustling sets this dog off. Anyway...

Heartburn.

All day it has felt like lava doing laps around my esophagus, stopping at the back of my throat for a rest and then back down again. I've been doing the Tu.ms thing, but I don't think they are getting the job done anymore. I feel like I am ready to move on to the harder stuff. The doctor gave me a short list (mylan.ta, pepc.id, zan.tac), so basically it is just trial and error until I figure out what works. I would prefer not to take anything, but at times it is brutal.

Last night we took a tour of the hospital. Some IRL friends have questioned us going so early (I am only 22 weeks), but honestly I didn't think it was that early and with Thanksgiv.ing and Chr.istmas coming up fast, I was feeling like I wanted to get these things (tours, classes) checked off the list now, to clear the fog in my mind a bit.

The tour went really well. The maternity wing is only 5 years old, so everything is sparkling. We saw two brand new baby boys through the window and that was the BEST. So little and sweet. I immediately reached a hand down to my belly to cheer on our little boy.

I did have to smirk (to myself) at one point. C wasn't there yet and neither was one other husband's wife (turns out they were stuck in the same traffic). So the husband - M - and I started talking. His wife is due in January and I told him we are due in March. It is the first for each of us and I mentioned that it took us a long time (my standard opener to lead into our IVF story) and then he said that it took them a long time too. I perked right up expecting a number of years...but it turns out it took them 9 months (and it happened naturally). I spend so much time reading about long struggles with IF, that I forget that what is long to some people, would feel like nothing to so many of us. I would never want to sell them or anybody short. A wait is a wait no matter how long it is when you are trying to get to your goal. Each of us has a story. C reminded me of that when I told him what M and I were talking about.

I did tell him we did IVF and although he didn't know anyone personally, he asked questions about embryos that made me feel like he knew a bit about it.

So, I'm not sure there is a real point to this post, just wanted to vent about barking dogs, relentless heartburn, and people who get pregnant naturally. ;)

It's A Boy!!!

What an awesome day! We had an early appointment and I had a full bladder and was laying on the table by 8:30am. Our sweet little boy is doing awesome and I realized that although my OB seems to be stuck on one adjective, I am thrilled that that adjective is the word...perfect.

It didn't take too long for the ultrasound tech to confirm boy status and I immediately welled up with tears of joy. I had been thinking for a while that we had a little girl in there, but as soon as she said boy, I immediately said to myself, "of course...it has always been a little boy. We have a son." I haven't stopped smiling all day.

Phone calls, sky.pe calls, text messages and big in person hugs filled the day and we couldn't be happier. I sent my brothers text messages and they both responded immediately (they live in different time zones, so I didn't want to wake them with calls) and my one brother said, "This is the best news to wake up to EVER." I'm beyond excited to give my brothers a nephew. To give our parents a grandson.

I had a feeling today would be a game changer. And it totally was. We are going to have a son. Wahhhhoooooo!

20 weeks and appointment tomorrow

Back in July, when our RE called to tell us we were pregnant, all I could do was walk around my house (since I was home alone at the time) and ask the furniture, "How did this happen???" Of course I knew how it all happened, it was just the miracle of it all coming together and really working that was so hard to wrap my brain around.

Now that I am 20 weeks (and 1 day), I am still a little bit in disbelief. I look down at my growing belly and there is a part of me that still feels like all I have done is had a big (big) dinner. Even though I live in maternity pants or sweats and all my t-shirts are all becoming too short, I still have an image of boxes of Lupro.n and Men.opur stacked up in my fridge when I open the door (even though they have either long been polished off or donated).

And now? Tomorrow morning I will be back in the stirrups. This time my full bladder is so that the OB can get a clear picture of our little growing baby. We are going to see the little one who surprises me with little flutters during the day.

We are going to hold hands and smile huge and be forever changed. I have always felt like this will be the moment when this becomes much more real. I can't wait!

before everything is different

I have tried to post a couple of times this month. Started posts, written a sentence or two or even paragraphs, but ultimately saved them for later or hit the delete button.

My inability to post is much like my inability to finish just about any project I have started lately. My mind is so full of good and exciting things, it is just that my focus is completely out the window.

I feel like my brain, and my body for that matter, is broken up into a 100 piece puzzle and while I am in the middle of putting a piece in, I get distracted (usually by food, or a new idea or my endless to-do list) and have to start all over again.

There are a few freelance job opportunities that I would like to pursue. There are so many projects in my home that I would like to start (completing a few would be nice too). Paperwork that needs to be organized. My brain is torn and I know that at least half of what I want to do doesn't have to get done before my due date...but I feel this self imposed pressure to do so.

I know I am all over the place with this post, this is so indicative of my life right now. I feel this urge to...straighten up my past to be ready for the future...which is coming fast.

The straightening I want to do is not big things, just dozens of small things. Weird organization things, things I never thought much about other than finding comfort in knowing that they are there. Things like my box of elementary and middle school projects and cards. I need them in order. All my pictures both digital and the zillions in boxes, organized by event and year. Clearly marked. Everything in its place.

I guess it is just that I know my life is changing and I don't want to leave anything behind. I'm scrambling to remember myself, my old self before I am different. Before I go from pregnant woman (from 6 years of overwhelmed infertile) all the way to someones mom. I don't want to rush. This might be the only time I get to be pregnant (although my mom hates when I say that and my husband doesn't think this is the only one for us) and I don't want to rush through it. I am having so much fun. Watching my belly expand is unbelievable. Buying a maternity bathing suit last month was awesome. I'm even going to shop for maternity jeans this weekend (I'm over it with the belly band).

I was tired today. No reason especially, I think it is just my brain that is tired. When I told my hubby, he said, "Well, you are almost halfway through." I want to slow this down. I prayed and wished and tried so hard to get here and now it is moving too fast.

I have so much I want to do.

Before everything is different.