Flashing between two worlds

Our first OB appointment was yesterday! I went in thinking that we would walk out having heard the heartbeat (check...162 BPM), get a beautiful new image (check...9 pics) and have an overload of information (check...not overload, but definitely a big folder full).

But, it was stranger than I thought it would be sitting in the waiting room. It was bright with big windows, there were small children playing on the floor, there was music and smiling women with big bellies and warm smiles from everyone from the receptionist to the nurses to the doctors. I couldn't help but compare it to the waiting room at my RE's office. I realized that there were no windows in that waiting room, there was no music, there was barely any eye contact, even from the receptionist and the tone of voice of the nurses was much more dry and flat.

Sitting in this new, foreign waiting room, I felt relieved and slightly uncomfortable. Like I finally got invited to the party, but I was still standing up against the wall. It also made me want to stand up in the middle of the room and ask if anyone else was an IF'er. If anyone else was like me, still feeling like I didn't quite fit in. Like I belonged back in the quiet waiting room, keeping my smiles to myself, waiting in the silence to hear my name being called while hiding behind a magazine.

When my name got called for this ultrasound, I jumped up and asked if we could wait a few more minutes for C, who left work early to meet me. They smiled and agreed right away (again, so different from the patient conveyor belt feel of the RE's office). It took less than a minute before C walked in and I jumped up like a little kid and said maybe a bit too loud, "He's here!" I felt like I was quickly informing the waiting room that it was my very first time.

We went in to the ultrasound room and it was warm and inviting. Beautiful hardwood floors and soft artwork on the walls. I immediately flashed back to the RE's ultrasound room, the stark walls with the florescent lighting, the "uplifting" poster hung half-heartedly from one of the ceiling tiles. The chine.se conception chart taped to the cabinet door, edges curling from age right next to the pricing list of fertility drugs from the local pharmacy.

C held my hand while I laid on the table, feet in the stirrups and lights dim. We saw legs and arms on a beautiful body and a sweet round head and there was a quick moment where we got a wave. A wave. From deep inside my uterus. This little baby, the size of a big green grape, waved its little arm and C grabbed my hand a little tighter. I flashed again, back to the other table and stirrups I spent so much time in, the times C held my hand while the RE looked for cysts and mature follicles and the times that he looked and my uterus was empty.

Finally, we met the doctor. She is short and bright, and came into the room like a light whose eyes and smile said, "You belong." She had read my file before she met me. I came in expecting to have to tell her my whole story, but all she did was confirm a few details and tell me that things were perfect. Perfect. That is a word I have waited 6 years to hear. Finally something was right. It wasn't a shrug, or a "it's different for everybody" or the guessing and trying new things game that is IF sometimes. We got past the unexplained infertility part of our diagnosis. The thing that has defined our family of two for almost as long as C and I have been together. I am a pregnant woman. But, I am still that wide-eyed patient that first walked into a fertility office 6 years ago, and one who walked into a new fertility office a year and a half ago, someone who should be an honorary cowgirl for all the time I have spent in stirrups.

I started blogging just before my first IVF. I was overwhelmed with the emotion of it all and needed an outlet that was more than my mom and friends who could only sympathize and not truly understand (no matter how much they tried). At certain points it was easy to be happy for the happy blogs, the ones who were getting BFPs and delivering babies. It was during the times when I felt hopeful and strong. But, sometimes it wasn't possible to even click over to a blog that might be happy, it was too hard to read and impossible to comment. Sometimes it was too much to even log on at all. The times the tears came down so hard that I couldn't see past my eyelashes.

I know this is starting to turn into a different blog, one that talks too much about food (I'll put up that BLT taco recipe in my next post I promise) and nausea. I won't be complaining about Crin.one suppositories anymore, now that today was my last one and the stories of REs and shots are slowing turning into stories about OBs and heartbeats. I'm treading lightly into this new world. I am thoroughly enjoying this new person I am becoming. I love her and I feel confident in my body and my mind for the first time in a long time.

I get it though. I know when a happy blog is impossible to read. I understand. I will never, ever forget what a BFN feels like, especially when it happens over and over again. I have peed on more than my share of sticks, taken my temperature when all I want to do is jump out of bed and go to the bathroom, sat across from doctors who shrugged, climbed into stirrups and waited. Waited. Waited. Waited. Cried. Felt hope that was dashed. Cried. Curled up next to my hubby and cried. Cried the tears of a lost dream and the path that felt impossible. I stood at the bottom of the mountain of drugs and needles and said, "I can't do this."

But, I did. I could. And I did. There are no words to describe how the support from this community pulled me up and pushed me through. I am forever a part of this community and I will continue to lift others up as I was lifted.

Just can't POAS and BLT tacos

I seem to have this weird aversion to POAS. I am 10 weeks and 1 day today and still haven't done it. A stick has never, ever, ever brought me good news and now I think I have convinced myself this is all a dream and I will wake up after I finally buy a stick and stick it under the stream.

In other news...my first OB-GYN appointment is on Thursday! I am very ready for this appointment. It would have been about two weeks ago, but they couldn't get me in until Thursday. This makes me raise my eyebrows a bit because I don't know if that means this doctor is super busy and its going to be hard to get a regular appointment. I am going to see how Thursday goes and there are plenty of other doctors to check out if I'm not feeling the love.

I'm thinking strong heartbeat, beautiful new picture and an overload of information at this appointment. Must remember to bring a notebook. I don't find myself thinking of a ton of questions to ask and I don't know if that is a bad thing. I don't feel worried or stressed, just kind of going with the flow, which is nice because I haven't had that feeling in a long time. Long. Time.

I do finally feel a touch of my regular energy back. Not 100%, but I don't feel like just laying down wherever I am (whether that is my living room, bedroom or the supermarket), which is nice. Beef is still completely offensive and I do feel like my sense of smell is a little extra strong. I was making chicken last night and it was making me make that face we make when something smells funny. Hubby said it tasted great, so it is all me.

I am definitely craving fruit more than veggies, and veggies and beans more than meat. I was having an insane craving last week for BLT tacos from a place back home (back home is 7 hours away, so we were not exactly getting there in time for my craving). I ended up at the grocery store and by memory recreated (pretty exactly to pat myself on the back) BLT tacos. It was awesome. That will probably need to happen again.

Oh and frozen yogurt. Mmmmmmmm

Ok, so enough about food. And enough from me today. I'll be back after my appointment on Thursday. And I'll be really smiling on Friday (last day of Crin.one!!!!)

9 weeks today

Beef is still very much off the list of things I can eat and right now the smell of leftover bean salad from a family BBQ is overwhelming my nostrils in a way that makes me recoil in scrunched up nose horror.

Today I am 9 weeks pregnant and it is just as hard to believe as it has been since that first beta.

I never did POAS. I had considered it a few times, even tried (to no avail when the stick went blank) and vowed to do it after our positive beta. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still plan to do it. I do still want to see what a positive stick looks like for the first time ever.

We had family and friends in town last week. It was great because they all know our news and were happy to celebrate with us. We only told the handful of people who knew we were doing IVF. I am definitely not comfortable putting the news out there for all to see just yet and have recently disabled my Fac.ebook wall to prevent any unintentional outing from well-meaning folks.

I am finding myself frustrated by my lack of energy. I was completely wiped out by the end of the week and never got out of my pajamas yesterday. Even today, I didn't get into the shower until 3pm. I am one to always have a craft/knitting/sewing project in the works, but after I get through just what I need to do, the idea of a craft project is exhausting. I just need to lay down. C is being really good and understanding when I need to rest, but I just feel lazy and lame. Of course, I do know what is causing the exhaustion and that is all good. ;)

The one big thing I learned is how all the symptoms wax and wane on a completely irregular basis. At first it was making me Crazy. The second I felt good, I worried that I wasn't pregnant anymore.

I had to change my way of thinking.

I know I am pregnant. I know I am and I tell my sweet baby all about how healthy he or she is and how much they are wanted and how I am taking care of my body to give them the best start possible. So in the moments that I feel like myself and have a burst of energy, I had to retrain myself to take advantage of it and get a few things done instead of dwelling on the negative.

I don't know about you, but during our years of IUIs and IVFs I always kind of thought and expected that the moment I pregnant everything would just be simple and awesome all the time.

I think I am going to learn a lot of these little lessons between now and March.

One!

Going in to the sonogram and possibly my RE's office for the last time, I felt the familiar nervous flutter that I used to reserve for college finals and job interviews.

Getting undressed in Room #5 while hubby stood nearby, I looked up at him and said, "I'm nervous honey." He asked me why. I didn't really have one definitive answer, it was just the combo of being about to find out how we did and exactly how many resulted from how we did.

Climbing into the stirrups and sliding my butt down to the edge of the exam table I tried to figure out just how many times I had been there before. But I never got to the number since Dr. R was ready to go and asked us if were too. We definitely were ready.

I could tell that the doctor did a quick sweep of my uterus before settling on the empty side. With a smile he said, "This is your uterus" then he swept to the side where our sweet little seed is growing and said, "This is your uterus on drugs." :)

Then he simply said, "Here is your baby." It was instant love. But I knew that both of us wanted to say, "Just one?"

When we transferred three embryos, everyone from our RE to strangers told us to prepare for twins or even triplets. So we did. We thought about how we would need to buy a new car and how we would set up the bedroom with three cribs and eventually bunk beds.

That is why our first instinct was, "Just one?"

But, it is not "Just one". It is "One!!!" We feel overwhelmingly blessed and so excited.

Things became so much more real in the moment that Dr. R handed us each a copy of the picture of our beautiful little baby; one for Mommy and one for Daddy (and one for Auntie Kim - the nurse who attached it to our file).

It is real. We haven't been playing make-believe for the past 7 weeks. We can be excited for the future (edd: 3/15/2011!). There are going to be three of us. We are going to be Mommy and Daddy.

I'm so happy! So, so happy.

New vocabulary words

It is that feeling of instant nausea as soon as I get hungry. It is the rolling feeling in my stomach whenever I look at meat in all its forms (steak, ham, pork, chicken). It is the rotten onion that my mom cut into that sent me dry heaving over the sink. It is the occasional cramp that rocks my abdomen. It is the heavy, tender feeling I have in my brea.sts when I take my b.ra off. And it is exhaustion that hits at regular intervals throughout the day.

It is all these things that remind me of the fact that I am pregnant. Even today, at exactly 7 weeks, it is as hard to believe as me winning the l.otto.

I have my first sonogram today. I am so excited and yet a little hesitant because we will (hopefully) find out exactly what is going on in there. Last night, I had a dream that there were 5 babies growing in there. We would be thrilled with just one, two....three. Just praying for more than the zero we have had for so many years.

There have been moments of anxiety. Moments when I didn't know what the cramping was (uterus stretching), moments when I didn't feel the brea.st tenderness as strong, moments when my energy level felt normal and moments when I didn't feel like I could wait one more second to have my first sonogram.

I think those moments are normal. I had to back off a little from writing my own and reading your blogs because it was just too much information. I needed to focus on me and not get wrapped up in advice from Dr. Goo.gle.

Every pregnancy is so different. Every woman is so different.

I still can't believe I have new words in my vocabulary.

Morning sickness.

Sonogram.

Pregnant.

Wow.

Beef. Its not for dinner.

I ordered it tonight at dinner. It looked great when the waitress brought it to the table. I picked up my shiny fork and knife and cut a piece and took a bite. No. Nope. Not even a little bit. Even now (5 hours later), the thought of the beef makes my stomach queasy.

Do you know what I really want? Pizza. All the time. Like right now. Please.

Today I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant and it still feels very much like we are playing make-believe. I look at myself in the mirror and squint to see what might be changes to my body (already?). It feels too early to notice a difference, but then an audible gag from a bite of steak and very tender and full feeling BBS reminds me that this is really happening.

And then I realize I'm smiling when I can't eat the steak.

What are my next steps?

So many amazing women posted beautiful words of support for my (still in awe) BFP, including the awesome Auntie Sissy. She posed the question, "What are your next steps?" It is a great question and one where the answers seem to keep evolving.

We got a few first steps done. We had a celebratory dinner out, we told only immediate family and the close circle of friends who knew we were going through our second IVF. They were all ecstatic as we told them, but we find that we finish up by saying one or all of the following practiced phrases:

We are keeping it close to the vest.

We are flying under the radar.

We are keeping a low profile.

and

Please don't post anything on my Facebook wall yet.

Just protecting ourselves. I am still surprised (and definitely smile) every time I go to the bathroom and there is no sign of AF.

Monday the 12th was our 7 year wedding anniversary. We were going to go back to the same restaurant we were sitting in exactly one week before. Where we looked at each other completely drained from the home stretch of our 2ww. We looked at each other exhausted. Overwhelmed. We looked at each other and tried to talk through our next steps if our second IVF didn't work. But there was something in the air, we still had a lot of hope, but we were just So. Tired. Of. Waiting.

The call came two days later and our world turned upside down and we continue to be so grateful for this miracle.

We didn't end up back at that restaurant, the day got away from us and we ended up staying closer to home for a delicious Italian dinner. I was shocked to find that I couldn't finish my creme brulee dessert. I got halfway through and put my spoon down. I couldn't take another bite.

I have never not finished a creme brulee before. ;)