Well Padded

File this under things nobody tells you...

Amazingly, Wednesday marked the one month birthday of our amazing little boy! One month already. And here I thought my pregnancy went fast. Sometimes I get choked up with how much I love our son. I get a lump in my throat staring at him in his bassinet and my stomach gets butterflies when I think about how grateful I am that he is here. I reflect on our infertility and realize that if we had gotten pregnant 6 years ago or 1 year ago or one cycle ago or one second sooner it wouldn't be him. Him. The little boy who sleeps with his arms above his head like he just got caught with his hands in the cookie jar. The little boy who wakes up with the sweetest little cat stretches and gigantic noises that seem to come from deep in his throat. The little boy who smiled at me a few days ago. A huge smile, all gums, that lasted a split second and now I will do anything to get him to do it again. I now can't imagine life without him, his goofy noises or his uncanny ability to need another diaper change 3 minutes after I just changed it.

People told me how much I would love him (true), how I would fall in love with my husband all over again watching him with the baby (totally true) and how I wouldn't be able to picture time without him (completely true).

What they didn't tell me about were all the pads.

Seriously, between the overnight maxi pads I've been wearing for 4 weeks and the breast pads (just finished my first box of disposables), I feel like I am constantly leaking from somewhere.

Wouldn't trade it for the world.

Birth Story!!!

One week to the day of the great pee in my pants story, I again found myself with liquid running down my legs...

Tuesday February 22nd was my 35th birthday.

On Monday night, we went out with my parents for a nice birthday dinner and my mom remarked how uncomfortable I seemed. To me, that felt like an understatement. At that point I was exactly 37 weeks pregnant (full term!) and getting more uncomfortable by the day. I had extreme hip pain, especially on my right side which made putting on pants uncomfortable at best and excruciating at worst. Restless legs were my enemy every night and heartburn was my arch nemesis all day long. But, dinner was fun and we took some pictures of me and my belly never realizing that I was soon to meet the little boy that had been making me so uncomfortable.

On Tuesday, we didn't have a whole lot planned for my birthday. In fact, that was the only day the pediatrician could meet with us for an interview, so we had that and dinner planned. The interview went fine, the pediatrician's office was very clean and bright and the doctor seemed gentle and straightforward. After that, I picked my favorite steak place for dinner and we set off.

Halfway through dinner I really didn't feel good. I lost my appetite and ended up spending more than a few minutes in the restaurant bathroom with a stomachache. I had a lingering backache all day too, but chalked it up to another symptom of my ever growing belly. We packed up my leftovers and headed home, never knowing that that would be the last time we would go to that restaurant as a party of 2.

When we got home, I saw that I had missed a birthday call from a close friend and so I called her back and we chatted for almost an hour. She has an 18 month old baby and was giving me tips and advice with what to do with my last three weeks before I was due. Little did any of us know what was coming next...

The Saturday before my birthday was part 1 of the childbirth class that C and I signed up for. In it, I got a few helpful tips (one of which being don't spend the money on De.pends to help if your water breaks - just use some of the infant diapers you likely have stockpiled). One of the other tips was about using the big yoga ball to help get through the contractions. I thought it might also help take some of the pressure off my hips these last few weeks as well.

So, after I hung up the phone with my friend, I went into the living room to blow up my new yoga ball that I picked up at Target that afternoon. It came with a little hand pump, so I sat on the couch pumping and watching the ball slowly blow up.

I readjusted my position on the couch and I felt a little pop from deep inside my body. I thought it was weird. Like a muscle twitch. Like I overdid it with shopping in the afternoon, a doctor appointment, dinner and work around the house. I had visions of my friend, who has been on me my whole pregnancy about relaxing, giving me a hard time about doing too much.

But, those thoughts didn't last long as a huge gush (pee?) of liquid came out of me and onto the couch. I jumped up in disbelief! How could this happen again? Is this what my last few weeks are going to be? Me in a diaper just because I can't control my bladder anymore...

It was different this time. I couldn't stop the gush. I shuffled into the kitchen, knees locked in primal attempt to stop the flow. But the flow would not stop. I had no choice but to take off my pants in the kitchen and grab the nearest towel and hold it between my legs. Only then could I walk to the bathroom to at least keep it off the kitchen floor. As I continued to dribble and gush I came to realize that This. Might. Be. It.

Calmly, and with no pants or underwear on, I went to the den where C had fallen asleep on the couch. "Honey?"

"Honey. I think my water just broke." He smiled, remembering exactly a week ago, in exactly the same spot and said, "Maybe it is just your bladder again..." I showed him my pants and ran back to the bathroom just in time to catch another big gush. "It is still coming out. It is not pee."

He jumped into gear. We thought we still had three weeks to go, so there were a few things that were not done. Quickly, he got the car seat out of the box and set about installing it. I stayed in our bedroom (close to the bathroom) and started packing a hospital bag. We were both very calm on the outside, but our minds were racing a mile a minute on the inside. I called the after hours number for the doctor and she called me right back. I told her what was going on and she gave us the go ahead to get to Labor and Delivery.

It all became very surreal. How could my water break already with three weeks to go? Does a lingering backache count as contractions? Where are my car keys?

At this point it was 12:30am on Wednesday February 23rd. We were driving to the hospital. No one was on the road and all those dry runs we talked about doing to get to the hospital turned out to be unnecessary.

I shuffled into the hospital with C not far behind with our bags and paperwork. We took the elevator up to L&D, signed in and were brought to the room where our son would be born.

I changed into a gown and the nurse checked to see if it was amniotic fluid that was still gushing out of me. It was. Things moved fast after that as the contraction monitor was hooked up to me and the IV bag and the pit hooked up too.

Then, things moved excruciatingly slow. I was stuck at 3cm dilated. It was 4 in the morning and the yoga ball, the massage, the breathing that we learned in the class were minimally helpful. The contractions really started to hurt and the more I moved, the more water that kept pouring out of me. I could not get comfortable. Heartburn (from that steak dinner of many hours ago) was raging war in my esophagus. Restless legs kept me wanting to get up and move around and the IV made me have to pee every 15 minutes.

The nurse came in several times to see how I was doing. She offered me the epidural several times and I kept turning her down because I wanted to be further along before I started it. But the contractions were only getting worse and both the doctor and nurse didn't think I would be ready until later that afternoon. Knowing that the pain would only grow and that it would be HOURS before he arrived, I decided it was time for the epi.

C was right there with me as the giant needle was stuck into my back. It took several tries to get it in and I was truly grateful for C's steady hands and comforting voice as he stood in front of me and held me up as water continued to gush with every needle push. Within minutes the epi kicked in and although I still had control of my legs, it was a constant feeling of pins and needles but no pain. I was able to lay down, relax and even sleep.

I remember the moment I was finally given a shot of maa.lox for the heartburn. It counted as my breakfast since the nurses had encouraged C to get out and get some food before delivery and I still needed to be on an empty stomach.

C returned, I was still pretty comfortable despite the catheter and the pins and needles and finally around 1pm, the nurse came in to check me and said I was dilated to 10! My body was ready. The stirrups came up, carts were rolled in, the doctor was called into our room. It was happening fast. I had no control of my legs, so the nurses were lifting my legs into the stirrups and helping me scoot down to the end of the table. C was whispering in my ear. There was no time to be nervous or scared. All I had to do was pay attention to the nurse and the doctor. Do what they said. Push when they told me. Push for a count of 10! C counted with them. Keep pushing! Keep pushing! They brought out a big mirror, we wanted to see. I remember them telling me to open my eyes, to watch the mirror to watch our baby boy come into the world!!

20 minutes later...Nathan was born. He was in my arms, two coughs and a big cry came out of his mouth and then he was whisked away to get cleaned up. C went to his side and Nathan grabbed his finger.

We have both been reduced to piles of goo. In Love. In love with the most perfect little person I have ever seen. His mouth just like his daddy, his nose just like mine. A perfect mix of the two of us.

All of the struggles, the tears, the heartbreak were so worth it for the moment I saw my baby come out of me. Born into this world to two people who are no longer skin and bones, but piles of goo that in a short week have been pooped on, peed on and spit up on. Two people who are so very sleep deprived and are still wearing the same clothes for the past three days, but don't care.

Time will eventually give us back our sleep and our brains and our clean house. But for now, there is only the three of us.

Oh, and I still can't find my keys.

Water...Broken!

Let me go, I'm peeing in my pants

These are the exact words I said to my husband last night. In all my 36 week pregnant glory while trying to shove something into a box it didn't fit into, I knew I had to pee. I knew I shouldn't try and hold it, but it was such a weird moment. I stood there knowing full well I had to pee, fighting a box that was too small and the tears started to well up in my eyes. C jumped up to rid me of the box stress and gave me a hug. It was a nice, warm hubby hug and I must have relaxed enough, or maybe it was a swift kick from the inside or a combination of the two, but it sent the pee running right down my legs.

Not just a trickle...straight up pee.

And then I started to laugh at the sheer absurdity of what was happening and couldn't say the words, "Let me go, I'm peeing in my pants."

And finally, when my pants were fully soaked and I got my voice back, while I stripped for the laundry and the shower, a thought crossed my mind...

Did my water just break??

I haven't peed my pants in 30 years and I have no idea what water breaking feels like. Logic said it was too early for it to be my water, I haven't had any contractions either and I knew I was going to see my OB this morning, so I just asked her about it at my appointment. I do have to say it is so nice to pee your pants and have such an understanding husband and doctor. Nobody laughed at me (I mean we all did have a good laugh about it after), but the fact that this is such a normal thing during pregnancy is so comforting in its absurdity.

My OB did a check and it was just me peeing my pants last night. I am dilated to 2 cm, 70% effaced and -3 station. I am 36 weeks, 3 days and measuring 37 weeks. My blood pressure is normal, I'm even down 4 lbs from last week (for some reason I was seriously bloated last visit).

We still have a ways to go, but this is certainly the closest we have ever been. As I put sheets on the crib and laid down a waterproof mattress pad I thought, "maybe it is time to start thinking about a waterproof mattress pad for me too????"

With a little help from Nancy Dre.w

I've been doing a lot of research lately about pregnancy fears. Most of the information I have found is all about fears of delivering a baby. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty running through my head about what could happen in the delivery room.

I can picture myself going into labor and getting to the hospital and then I can picture myself with a beautiful baby laying on my chest after delivery. It is just the actual delivery that I can't seem to picture. But, that isn't even what I am worried about. I'm not afraid of labor (at least not today).

The part I am nervous about is how life will change after labor. After those first few crazy weeks of adjusting to life with a newborn. After C goes back to work and I settle into a daily routine.

It is the being a good mom part that has me worried.

**********

When I was younger, I lived and breathed Nancy Dr.ew books. My grandmother and Dad scoured church fairs and thrift shops for the yellow spine hardcovers that were released in the 1960's. I spent hours devouring those books. Absorbing every word. As I grew older and found other books to read and other things to occupy my time, I can't remember the actual day I put the Nancy Dr.ew books away. I don't remember the last one I read, although read them all many times, I don't remember the last one I finished before I put it on the shelf for the last time.

**********

I have had a few moments of stress and physical pain in my life. As a young girl, I used to walk pigeon toed and tripped over my own feet all the time. There are several photos of me with big scrapes on my face from falling down on gravel. As a teenager, I took Kara.te and had my share of bumps and bruises and sore muscles. When I was 15, I cut my thumbprint half off trying to cut a stale bagel. When I was 16, I sprained my wrist while roller skating. And as a 25 year old, I forgot I wasn't Hu.ck Finn and attempted to swing from rope tied to a tree to jump into a lake. I fell and ended up with a concussion and a bruised tailbone.

I had the typical stresses of high school and college and the various stresses of jobs and job loss. I started grinding my teeth the week before my wedding (and stopped after a trip to the dentist). There was definitely stress involved with trying to sell our first house amidst a bad realtor and even worse neighbors. And there was some life stress that led me to visit a therapist for a few months when I entered my 30's.

Then there was the stress and pain of infertility. But, I know you know all about that.

Because of Nancy Dr.ew, I grew up believing I could handle anything that came my way. Whether or not I acknowledged it outright and whether or not it is actually true I grew up believing if Nancy could figure it out, I could too. Whatever "it" is.

Right now, the "it" is motherhood. Nancy never dealt with motherhood in the books that I read. But, there are many mothers that I admire and mothers that I hope I can emulate in even a tiny way. Although, I want to be my own kind of mother. One who is strong and smart and full of love and energy.

It is my goal, but these last few weeks of pregnancy have been hard and are getting harder.

Stress and physical pain. I never had sciatica before and this has shown up in a huge way, making it almost impossible sometimes to take a simple walk across the kitchen. I've heard women mention hitting a wall of exhaustion in the third trimester and that wall smacks me in the face twice a day lately. I feel very clingy to my husband and worry about him on his drive to and from work. I worry that we won't get "everything" done. I think about how our relationship will change and what I will miss about the life we have made for ourselves over the last 10 years.

Nancy taught me how to survive. Now, I need to know that I will be good at this new life. Nobody can tell me ahead of time. I just have to trust myself and know that I have survived so far and that this challenge I can face head on and be the mom I truly want to be.

Some things I'm thinking about with 5 weeks to go

Oh, wait. What? What was I going to write about?

First, pregnancy brain? Totally real.

Back pain? Definitely.

The fact that my den is a half a flight of stairs down from my kitchen and I am more comfortable sitting on the steps to eat and watch tv than go all the way down and sit on the couch. All the way. All 6 steps!

I'm exhausted, jiggly, crampy and achy. I want my body back. I told C that I wake up with the intention of not complaining, there are just so many feelings I am having both physically and mentally I can't help but start to moan about one thing or another.

During IVF I knew I would be so grateful to be pregnant. And I totally was.

As I crossed over several pregnancy milestones I knew I would become more comfortable with being successfully pregnant. And I was.

As I rode smoothly into the second trimester (truly the honeymoon phase) I told everyone within earshot that I loved being pregnant. And I truly do.

There are just some things going on now that I didn't anticipate. I didn't realize there would be a moment where I really wanted my body back (C likes to say that our baby boy is renting my body right now), feeling frustrated with back pain and instant reflux when I bend down to pick something up. I didn't realize the struggle I would have with s.ex. That I would want to and then get so wrapped up in my head and my jiggly body that I can't get very far. C is sweet and understanding, but I'm feeling pretty confused. I didn't know that I would feel so protective of my newly growing family that I would get stressed about the plan for visitors after our baby boy arrives. C and I are on the same page about how to deal with visitors, I just get wrapped up in my own head and start having imaginary arguments in my head (tell me I am not the only one who does this...).

On the other side of 5 weeks, my baby boy is thriving and rolling and pushing and loved the milkshake I had with lunch today. Soon, I am going to meet the little man who has kept me company all day every day for the past 35 weeks. C and I have done a ton of work on the nursery and the crib and dresser get delivered on Tuesday. My parents were over last week to help out with a few projects and they both got to feel a few kicks from their grandson which made them exclaim that they "love him already!" I know the feeling.

At times I am tired and frustrated and stressed and achy. But, I am also in Love. Love with a husband who has ridden this crazy IF and now pregnancy train with me and has consistently made me feel protected and cared for. Love with my body which took 3 IUIs, a lap and 2 IVFs in stride and now has carried a growing baby for 35 weeks in a beautiful way (even if the stretch marks make my belly look like a zebr.a hallow.een costume). And Love for a little boy who reminds me daily that he is growing and getting stronger and getting ready for me to be his mommy.

Overdue recipe...BLT tacos

The secret to the perfect BLT taco is the cilantro.

One of my and C's favorite places to go back home is a tiny, hole in the wall mexic.an restaurant. There about 12 stools spread around 3 counters and if you can't get a seat you will either be eating while walking down a picturesque street filled with small shops and people walking their dogs or driving home to eat in the comfort of your living room. We have been the couple eating while walking down the street. We have also been the ones who ran in to get the food while the car is double parked out front. But, our favorite spot are the two stools right in front of the huge window, where we could people watch and pour fresh salsa on top of our tacos and take huge bites and smile at each other relishing in the deliciousness.

This description makes these tacos seem pretty amazing and maybe it is just because the place has such a special place in our hearts, but I think it has a lot to do with the cilantro.

Back in my first trimester, I had a craving for these tacos and since we weren't making the drive to NY anytime soon, I walked into the grocery store and starting thinking and making a mental list of everything in those delicious bites...

Tortillas

Bacon

Monterey Jack cheese

Tomatoes

Red cabbage

Onion

Cilantro

Mayo

Then I got home and got to work, chopping up the tomato, red cabbage, sweet onion, cilantro and a touch of olive oil and salt and pepper to marinate in a big bowl together. Then I fried up the bacon and crumbled it up into pieces.

When we were ready to eat, I warmed up the tortillas and spread mayo down the center, dropping the crumbled bacon on top of that and then layering the vegetables and cheese on top of that. When I rolled up the tortillas they were so thick I needed toothpicks to keep them closed, but it wasn't really necessary since we were both hungry and these reminded us of home.

So that's it...if you make them, let me know how you like them. If it wasn't 1am and I had the ingredients in the house, I would be making a few right now. I guess I will have to settle for a light snack of cheese and crackers with a Tums chaser.