My Time Management Sucks

I was going to call this post negativity, but that sounded to me too much like the results of a pregnancy test and that is not what this is about at all.  It is about how it feels to honestly look at yourself and be called out on some negativity that has been coming out of your mouth and showing in your actions.

Growing up, I was known as a pretty positive person.  Looking to build other people up, even going so far as to take their feelings and make them my own.  Empathy to the nth degree.

It has always been exhausting, but when you are young and only have to worry about school and putting gas in your car, it is fairly easy to deal with. When you are sneaking up on 40, with a toddler, a DH with a stressful job, and have been doing an inordinate amount of not for leisure travel over the past few months, it is much harder to keep your positive flow.

I've been complaining (I recently learned) a LOT about not having any time.  It is a very legitimate thing when you have an infant and you are still trying to remember if you already had lunch.  It becomes more about poor time management when you have a toddler who sleeps in until 10am and takes a 3 hour nap and have family nearby ready to lend a hand.

So my time management sucks.

It is hard to get called on something you are doing.  In my case, doing a LOT of complaining and not a lot of trying to fix the many things bogging me down.

One of those things is a friend of mine.  One of my very closest.  She is going through a few different things that are challenging and she is complaining.  A lot.  Daily.  Through calls and emails and texts.  I'm turning around and telling DH about it.  Under the guise of how can we learn from what she is going through, but I think sometimes it is to make yourself feel better as in, "at least I'm not THAT bad."  That sucks.  On a few different levels.

I'm also listening to many podcasts and audiobooks.  Many.  All day.  Playing in the background, while I feed and play with N, clean the house, drive the car.  They are on constantly.  They are my friends.  They are my escape from the things that bog my mind down.  They are my escape from the overwhelming empathy and feelings that I'm not enough for anyone.

DH's job is very stressful right now and I feel like more often than not, I don't know what to say.
N is very challenging to feed right now, in that toddler what worked for me yesterday is definitely not going to work today.  He has literally put his pointer finger on one corner of a piece of chicken or fruit or whatever and looked at me like "how dare you put that on my tray??"
I just got finished planning and pulling off a family party (with help) that went beautifully and I felt like somehow someone was going to be disappointed with something.  I felt like I needed days to recover afterwards.

I realize that I am putting some imaginary pressure on myself.  That if I need help, I just need to ask.  I can tell DH that I don't know what to say, but that I wish I did and that no matter what, he has my support and love.  I know I can laugh when N will throw a cookie on the floor one day and the next be pushing a chair to the cabinet to get one.  When he will ONLY eat avocado and the next day when he pokes at it and says "Ow" with his eyes.  I know that party was beautiful.  I know everyone said they were happy.  I still can't help but wonder if everyone was telling the truth.  My family is really good at hiding their true feelings.

I should be packing right now to go on the road again tomorrow.  Instead, I am going to go to sleep.  I will get up an hour early and pack.  An hour will be enough, because I will focus on exactly my task.  My phone will be off.  My computer will be off.  I will get up.  Have a cup of coffee and take a shower.  I will pack a bag.  I will focus on my task and baby step them out of my brain and be in the moment.

Maybe what this is what this is all about.  Being in the moment.  If you are in the moment, you don't have time to worry about what everybody else is doing or thinking or feeling.

Ok.  Tomorrow I start focused.  I'll update this and let you know how it goes.

Stronger

I was going to title this post "A Little Stronger", but I'm feeling more than a little stronger.  I won't go so far as to say "a lot", but I'm getting there.

Back in August, and I write that as if it was years instead of weeks ago, I was posting and thinking about death.  The feeling was pervasive, getting into my thoughts while washing dishes and dreams at night and happily in the last few weeks, it has been relegated to the far back of my mind, instead of the forefront.

September was a BUSY month and a month in which I had to spend a lot of time alone racking UP the mileage on my car.  I had two massive road trips that I had to make alone and not only was I missing DH and my baby boy, I had to drive at all hours, spoiling my reputation of sleeping on long road trips.  Audio books and 5hour-energy were my closest friends and as cliched as it might be, I learned a bit about myself.

I learned that it didn't matter if it was my first overnight trip away from my son or my second, I tear up just the same while driving away.

I learned that a little time apart is OK.  N was just fine with his Daddy and their boy time is just as important as my alone time.

For both trips I started the night before with thoughts of, "I really don't want to go"  "Really.  Really. Don't want to go." "Don't need to go, it doesn't matter if I go."  But it did and it does and in the end was very worth it. (Again, apologies for the vagueness.  This is the nature of trying to keep my blog fairly private).

It had been years since I hit the road like that.  It was important because it was for family and getting closer to some relatives that I had been rather distant with over the years and it turned out to be worth it in spades.  It reminded me of how important it is to make the time to be with the people we care about.  To stay open to possibilities and opportunities that might otherwise make me want to stay under the covers.  To make the effort and just be in the moment.  To realize that Mentos are my go-to road candy and you must never ever wait until the "next" rest stop.

It also reminded me of how valuable decompression time is after all that travel is too.  I'm still working on that one.

I also had some friends in town who came with their children.  It was beyond awesome to see our kids play together and strengthened my feelings of a sibling for N.  I tear up (again) with the thought of what a wonderful older brother he would be.  But, as I watched my friend struggle with a toddler and an infant, watched her wash pump parts and wait up until midnight to pump, only to be awoken less than 4 hours later, I remembered the relief that I felt when I put the pump away, the sheer ecstasy of sleeping more than 6 hours in a row and I realized that I won't be devastated if this doesn't happen again for us.

Our family of three is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

On a different kind of strength note, I dug up and swore at a huge bush, roots and all tonight.  I started off just doing some light yard work and asked DH to let me know an hour had gone by.  I was just going to trim that gnarly bush in the front and then I was just going to clip it back a little more and then I just started digging.  And clipping.  And swearing "You will not beat me bush!"  After another hour passed my original hour, I got that bush up and out.  I filled the hole back in with dirt.  It is ready for a new start.

I'm ready for a new start.  Stronger than before.

A secret

This is another one of those posts where I am purposely vague enough to get things off my chest, but it is super annoying (I imagine) for you to read. I found out today that a close(ish) family member has been keeping a secret for the past 7 years.  The secret she kept didn't directly affect my family of three or my siblings either, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
It is making me think about trust and what it must be like to silently suffer for such a long time.
I'm sympathetic and curious.
I have questions that I will probably never get the answers to.
It makes me more self aware which leads me to wonder what else I might be missing right under my own nose.
I feel deceived and even threatened by what "I'm fine" means when someone says it.
No one was really surprised by the news, but it wasn't like we knew all along. The news just seemed to make some previous confusing things clear.
It makes me question what is real. My relationship with this person carried on the same as always. A card on my birthday and a visit every few years, but underneath all of it was this big secret.
We all have secrets don't we? Some we never tell. Some we only tell when we absolutely have to. Some we can't keep and some we bury so deep we almost forget.  As this secret came out, she worried that it would change our impression of her. It doesn't. It wouldn't. It's just life.

Why do I care about disappointing someone I don't even know? (updated)

I'm exhausted.  But as I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water before bed, I was struck with a thought and it became the title of this post.

I realized last night that my gray hair is not the only thing giving my age away, it is also the fact that I drank coffee at 6pm and couldn't fall asleep until 2 (my coffee cut off used to be 7pm and I could fall asleep easy at midnight).  N got me up at 7 this morning and 5 hours is just 1 hour short of enough to function for me.  I've been off all day. 

I've mentioned here before that I don't have a huge circle of friends.  Two women who could be sisters to me and a small handful of buddies I enjoy a lunch date (or play date) with.  I'm happy with that.  Very happy.  And try as I have to fit in with play groups and moms at story time, I haven't really felt like I fit in as easily as it appears other women do.

This afternoon I needed a few things at the grocery store and decided to hit the store closest to the new children's museum for N to burn off some energy before I dragged him shopping.  The few times we've been to the museum I've only made a few friendly comments to other mothers, asking ages of their children or other passing small talk, so it was a surprise today to have a young mother start talking to me with as much openness as a friend.  

She was sweet and friendly and I felt big and awkward.  I always do.  I'm on the tall side and no one would ever describe me as dainty.  I'm not overweight, but have those pounds that we would all like to lose.  My voice is not high and girly, much more soft and low and...well, lets just say more than a couple people have told me I could answer 1-900 calls as a profession.  I like my voice much more now, but I vividly remember my attempts to make conversation in a high school cafeteria or hallway were often met with, "What?" and "I can't hear you."  

Anyway, so there I was, off to the side, watching my son run and play and smiling as I see my little baby run over bridge and scream with sheer delight.  I couldn't help myself and despite my own awkwardness, I said to the woman next to me, "Wow, he sure loves this bridge."  

With those 6 words, I opened the door.  I opened the door to conversation, to small talk, to potential rejection or even the possibility of friendship.  She took that opening and swung it wide, making a huge effort to engage me in conversation.  It was as deep as we could get while chasing two toddlers and both of us as first time, stay at home moms with sons, we connected in a way that I'm not used to.  Before we had even exchanged names, we exchanged numbers and before I knew it, she was inviting me and N and C to her son's first birthday party in two weeks from now.  At the time it seemed like such a sweet invite, opening her life to me and wanting my son to share in the fun of face painting from a guy dressed up like Elmo.  But wait, she doesn't know me at all.  She might be disappointed.  She blindly trusts that we would come to her party and fit in with her family and friends and that we won't steal anything from her house or leave a dirty diaper on the floor.  How could she possibly know that I'm not a nut?  Nuts take their kids to the museum too.  Maybe she is a nut?  

I left with the plan that she would call me to get my address to send a birthday party invite.  I felt like I was saying yes without really thinking about it.  Saying yes with the thought that I could always come back with a no.  N and I met C for dinner and to be honest, I forgot about the plan for her to call and not until I heard her voice mail remembered and then some doubt kicked up.  I hate to disappoint though and called her back and gave her our address and as she started inviting us for another play date, the thought crossed my mind that this was all moving a little fast for me.  I know her for 20 minutes of real life time.  It is not even like story time where we have gone for a few weeks in a row and slowly gotten to know each other.  All of a sudden I feel like we are going to be the guests of honor at the cult of Elmo.  Then, she invited us to come to her house to for dinner, so we could get to know them before spending the day with her family at a party.  I appreciated the gesture, but as she tried to get me to lock in an evening in the next few days, I felt a bit like I was choking.  I was ready to back pedal, remembering some appointment or visitor or anything to back out of the whole thing.  I wanted a redo to slow things way down.  And that feeling became even stronger when I came home tonight and found a facebook friend request from her.  

Maybe I am being too closed off.  Maybe it is one of those moments that we will look back on and say, "I'm so glad we became best friends in 20 minutes on the floor of the children's museum."  Maybe I should take a cue from my baby who instantly becomes friends with whoever is holding the toy he wants to play with right before he yanks it out of their hand.  Maybe it doesn't matter if I back off and slow this down since if we are meant to be friends whether or not I went to her son's first birthday party is irrelevant.  Maybe I am too tired to make a good decision right now.  

Maybe I should be true to myself and make decisions based on what I need and want and not what I think other people want.  Thinking about it, why would I want to spend some hard to come by free time with virtual strangers?  Will my son remember or care about a sweaty dude dressed up like Elmo?  Who am I really doing this for?  Am I doing this because I think I should branch out?  Why do I care about disappointing someone I barely know?  Should I step out of my comfort zone?  

What if I get rejected?  

*update:
Hey friends,
I ended up calling her this morning and she was just as sweet as she was yesterday.  Even when I explained that while we wouldn't be able to make the party or dinner in the next few days, that I would LOVE to meet up again at the museum with our babies next week.  We plan to talk early next week to pick a day.  I'm MUCH more comfortable with this plan.  

I realized tonight that perhaps that one of the reasons I feel awkward, the reason I hesitate might have come from an old relationship.  One where when the guy who seemed so head over heels for me, after he flew me to come visit him for the weekend, turned his back and rejected me when he got to know more about the real me.  In the course of a weekend, he started walking ahead of me, he read the paper while we had breakfast, he acted like he couldn't wait for me to leave after he had worked so hard to get me there. (As a side note...sweet victory when I got to reject his friend request on facebook...)  Anyway, that thought crossed my mind tonight as a possible reason for that lingering awkwardness and fear of further rejection of the real me.  

Afraid of death. Up at midnight.

Death has been popping up around me lately and it is the reason I am up at midnight.  I just made three craft projects, one for my son and two for friend's children.  I have a load of laundry in the dryer and I'm watching an old movie.  I'm in a fairly small room, but I've got the TV on, the computer on, the baby monitor on, two lamps and the fan all on.  Even the shredder is on, although I'm not shredding anything.  Even though I am writing my blog post, my email is open.  I'm surrounded by stimulation, but I can't shake the heavy feeling on my heart and mind.

Death has popped up on a few blogs that I read.  Death actually ended the show I was watching and started the movie I am now watching.  My friend's grandfather just passed away too.  I'm afraid of getting old. I'm stressed about what will happen to my parents as they get into their 70's.  I'm stressed that I am not living my life to the fullest that I possibly can because there is no way to know how long we get to be here.  That feeling gives me a pit in my stomach.

I don't want to miss anything and at the same time I'm tired and need a break from the worry and normal life drama.  I need a break from my own thoughts.  I think what will really help is a break from the media.  I just reached over and turned off the TV and closed my email.  I think I need to set some boundaries with the blogs and podcasts and TV and news and updates and all the stuff that overwhelms me with the thought that I am not doing enough.  That life is passing me by and I'm missing it.

I've had to pee for about an hour.  I don't want to stop what I am doing.  I don't want to stop this brain dump, because I keep hoping I'll write the sentence that makes makes it all stop for a minute so I can rest.

I look at that picture again.  The one I wrote about in my last post.  The peace in that photo is palpable. I'm longing for some peace.  DH's job is super stressful right now and I'm worried for his peace too.  Worry that I am not doing enough to help him, worry that I am not enough of a wife for him right now. N had a fever all day Friday, he was so sad and sick and I stayed home with him while DH went out of town to take care of some family business.  Today, my DH has that same fever.  He will be taking it easy tomorrow and I'm happy he will rest, but I know I won't rest and even though he deserves the break, a part of me will wonder when my break will come.  And then I feel like I don't want a break.  If I take a break, I'm afraid of what I will miss.

Its OK or its not OK. It just is or it is not.

Definitely not pregnant and for the amount of time that has passed since I wrote that last post, I could be in the middle of wondering if I am pregnant again.  I'm not.  Not pregnant nor wondering if I am pregnant.  I would like to say that I am not going to put myself through all the emotion of wondering again.  I can't.

July this year was a blur of celebrations and travel.  It has been a packed month and I still haven't quite recovered.  Sitting at my desk right now, I'm staring at a picture of one of my most peaceful and favorite moments of life ever. It is a black and white photo of me laying on my side, one day after my son was born, cradling him with one arm while both of us sleep.  I don't remember how long that moment lasted, but I will forever be grateful for my husband for catching it for me.  It is a photo that makes me calm when I see it.  And it also blows me away to think this little baby is now a screeching toddler that won't lay still for a diaper change, never mind a cuddle.

In other news, I got the opportunity to be honest last week.  It was kind of amazing.  I'm terrible for details on this blog, but I will say it felt good to be honest with my extended family about what I wanted and needed and not do something just because I thought everyone expected me to jump when they said jump.  Hope to do more of that in the future.  How nice to be an adult.

Time marches on though and while August slows us down a bit and gives me some breathing room for catch up, September is shaping up to be another blur and I'm pretty sure I just bought Thanksgiving stickers for N...yikes!

Oh and I'm totally out of shape and just ate a container of Ben and Jerry's last night.  Gross.  Delicious. But now I feel gross.  Still in my pajamas too and feeling like N is about to wake up for a nap any minute and push my shower off until later this afternoon.

In conclusion, not pregnant, not back at the RE yet, had a sparkling moment of true honesty, Thanksgiving is coming, ate too much ice cream and haven't taken a shower yet today.

Here We Go Again

Its funny how a situation that caused me so much stress and anxiety over the span of 7 months can just be done.  With a 30 second phone call.  Done.  I've been so lame on the details here, but basically I was finally put in touch with the only person who could make a difference and she did.  With a few clicks, my anxiety was put to rest, all my notes and letters suddenly had no place to go.  I know there will always be a next thing, but for now I can put that panic to rest.

Onto the next thing.  Shockingly, I am wondering if the few things I have been feeling lately are......pregnancy symptoms.  Here we go again.  The feelings and emotions are the same.  It would be an amazing relief to keep $4,000 in our bank account and not need medication for a frozen cycle that might not work.  But, if I did get pregnant naturally my heart aches for our frozen embies that have been waiting for us if we needed them.  We KNOW all this.

But, here I am.  The heartburn I've been feeling for a few days could be because I've been putting hot sauce on my eggs in the morning.  The tiredness could be because I am chasing a toddler every day.  The sweating could be because it has been 102 degrees for a week and a half.

But, my DH said I felt like a furnace the other night when we were cuddling.  My mom said I looked "different" the other day.  My last period (three weeks ago) was early and very short.  Just vague enough to make me hopeful.

Oh so hopeful.