Transfer story, 2ww officially begins!

Officially 1dp3dt and PUPO. We decided to transfer three embryos. It was something we sat down and discussed since of course going from 0 kids to 3 is a huge deal! The true likely hood of having triplets is very small, but still a possibility, so we needed to see how we truly felt about it.

When I called C to tell him that we had the choice to transfer two or three, he was sold on three right away. I didn't find myself hesitating either. I usually get a pretty immediate pit in my stomach when something doesn't feel right (like when C asked me if I wanted to move from VA to Albany + pit in stomach = No thank you, I love VA) and I didn't feel it. It felt good. Lets be serious though, I am slightly freaked out about the idea of three kids, especially since we have defined ourselves as the couple who can't have kids for the last 6 years. To go from that to mother of triplets, feels like a HUGE jump.

But, I am getting WAY ahead of myself.

The main reason we went with three was because if we transferred two and it didn't work, we didn't want to wish we transferred three. About 10 minutes before the transfer yesterday the doctor came in and confirmed that we wanted to transfer three. We both gave a resounding yes. The doctor said both he and the embryologist were OK with it because I was healthy and our first one didn't work, but he laid out an assortment of things that could go wrong and I started to get worried. *P.S. Not Cool to lay all that out 10 minutes before the transfer!* He left us alone to talk and I had a flash of doubt that quickly disappeared because of C's confidence and my favorite nurse who brought in pictures of her daughter's beautiful, healthy triplets (who were born through IVF!).

The pictures of our three beautiful embryos also made the decision easy. I looked at the picture and thought about only transferring two. Which two? How would I feel about cutting one of the embryos out of the picture? Not happening. Three it is!

Three embryos may lead to triplets. It may lead to twins. It may lead to one. It also may lead to my second failed IVF.

Whichever way it goes, it leads to a very exciting 2WW.

Too Hot to Cuddle

Good report today. 5 more days of stims to go. Meno-suck plus Follis.tim and Lup.ron. The RE said it looks like I have plenty of eggs and most of them now are measuring 8mm-111mm, which was a big relief for me. With this being our second IVF, I had been running a few what-ifs though my mind and I'm grateful things are moving along on schedule.

A few of the nurses commented that they were sad to see me back for round two. I'm not sure what to say to that. I'm sad to be back too, but happy that we are getting close and hope is starting to rise.

My mom said that she thought I was much calmer this cycle. I think that has a lot to do with me quitting my job, exercise and changing my diet to a much more fruit and veggie and healthy grains (beef and chicken seem to be making me gag lately). We changed gyms and this one is much closer and more convenient (same shopping center as Target! Hello Target...I always seem to need to run in there for something). We also know a little bit more of what to expect, but that also makes me look for similarities to last time and that makes me nervous that it is different and then happy it is different because last time didn't work. I just made myself tired writing that sentence.

I also feel like I am always sweating and even hubby mentioned I am too hot to cuddle. ;)

This time next week, I'm praying there are some healthy, beautiful embryos growing and getting ready to make my uterus their home for the next 9 months.

Staying chill till then.

So. Much. Burning.

This is my first cycle with Menop.ur and the RE said it may hurt like a bee sting. May hurt? It burns so much that tonight (my third night) it was so hard to stick it in knowing how much it would suc.k.

I noticed I am super tired and just feel off after the shot too. Shots. There are three. Lupr.on (5ml), Follist.im (150) and one vial of Menop.ur.

I'm back in for blood work and an ultrasound on Tuesday and we are tentatively looking at June 21 or 22 for retrieval.

I have really felt that this cycle was going really quickly so far, but it feels harder than last time. I am really not digging this whole three shots a day thing, but I did read about the ice trick on a few sites, so I'll definitely be trying that tomorrow.

as I sit here with a glass of red

I look at the calendar and see that I have blood work scheduled for tomorrow, an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday and Follistim starts on the 11th. I took a pen and marked yesterday as the first day of AF.

It's happening fast this time. Almost like everything is happening around me, but in a good way. Like a protective little bubble of hormones pushing me along.

Sip. Sip.

A bonsai tree...and other updates

I started Lupron on Monday and my brother sent me a bons.ai tree in the mail. It is awesome (the tree, not necessarily the shots in the thigh). He wrote a sweet note about staying focused and remembering to breathe and I really appreciated both his support and tribute to one of our favorite childhood movies (Kar.ate Kid!).

As for that job I've been talking about quitting, they made it easy for me to do last Friday. I told them that I was going to need some flexibility with my schedule coming up at the end of this month for IVF and since they were cool with our first IVF in April, I was expecting the same thing. I was wrong. They started giving me a hard time about the time off and basically as soon as they started saying those words, I started formulating my resignation in my head (future embryos for the win!). It was done within an hour (although I gave them two weeks notice...one week to go!). I told them that as much as I enjoyed working there, I need to put 100% of my focus on what I am doing right now.

The day I quit I felt lighter. The radio on the car ride home seemed to only be playing my favorite songs, there was a thunderstorm brewing that brought lightning (which I LOVE) and it seemed like I only hit green lights the whole ride. It just drove the point home for me that I did the right thing. Hubby was completely supportive and although we will have to adjust the budget a little bit, right now, my job is IVF #2.

And I'm getting through it with a bons.ai tree.

and I'm also choosing to donate the boxes unopened to Goodwill

Thank you to those offering extra support for me yesterday. I am choosing hope, but I am also choosing self preservation. After much thought about those boxes of baby clothes, I have decided it is ok to be annoyed by the lack of consideration of my feelings by my family and that I don't have to know those boxes are in the closet waiting for something that may (if we are being truly honest) never come. Who the hell needs that kind of constant haunting from behind a closet door?

My hubby volunteered to go through the boxes to make sure there aren't any notes or sentimental items and then he will bring them to Goodwill. I will then be completely honest with anyone who asks, that it was too much for me to get those clothes while I am right in the middle of a IVF cycle, that I'm sorry they paid to ship them, but I would have appreciated a phone call to see if I even wanted them before just sending me gigantic boxes and that I have donated them to hopefully someone who can use them right now.

I already feel better.

The fact that I thought I should be making the best of it was weighing heavy on my heart. I don't need that. I have enough going on.

Cherry Picking in the Rain

Feeling a little bit better today. The support on my last post was exactly what I needed. I know I am not quite back yet, but I'm tired of complaining. There isn't much I can do right now, but take the BCPs and wait for the big girl meds (coming tomorrow). The plan is set, I just have to follow it and whatever happens, happens. All I can do is my best to keep myself healthy and get the bad stuff out right here.

We had a good weekend. Hubby and I went cherry picking in the rain high in the mountains and it was one of the most peaceful days I have had in a while. The rain kept most everyone away so it was quiet. The sky was gray and the bright red cherries and tall green trees were a stunning contrast. I talked to him about what is freaking me out this cycle and even though he can't do much right now but hold my hand, he did just that and it took the edge off for a little while.

A special hello to all the people stopping by from ICLW! When I started this blog, I had no idea that anyone would actually read it and now I don't know what I would have done without the support I have gotten so far. It is truly amazing.

I am going to go out today and give a little bit of what you have given me back to the universe today.

So Much

I don't know what I'm feeling. My head hurts. I think the birth control is making me edgy and cranky. I don't feel like myself and I can't seem to shake it. I am anxious to start the shots and I am paralyzed by the thought that we are going through all this (for the second time) and it might not work again.

A customer gave me a hard time at work today. I didn't really deserve it, but I wasn't really giving her my best either and she sensed it. She also took the opportunity to tell me that I was rude and she was going to tell my manager what a bad worker I am.

She doesn't know. She doesn't know that I am tired. She doesn't know all the conflicting emotions on my heart right now. By the same token, I don't know what might be going on in her life. Why do we take our personal issues out on strangers sometimes? Is it because it makes us feel better, even if just for a fleeting moment? Is it worth it? No. I felt bad the rest of the day. I felt guilty that I was rude and I felt worse that she called me on it, then I was mad that she went over the top complaining and yelling at me.

Did I mention I have a headache? You must have a headache reading my complaints. Did I mention my in-laws are coming for a visit for 4 days just a few days before my retrieval? When my ovaries will feel like they weigh 500 lbs. and my mood is unstable at best. My mother-in-law asked me to be honest about what I might need while they are here. I am really good at smiling through frustration and then getting mad. She is very good at understanding people and she asked me to be honest. To say when I need a break. A nap. Quiet. I am going to try very hard to do that.

I need to do that right now, but I don't really know what I need. I know that I have missed my hubby for the last few days. We have been working long hours and we've just been connecting to eat a quick dinner in front of the TV and collapse into bed. I know that I still want to quit this job even though I don't feel like I should quit.

I know that I want this IVF to work.

Please.

I know that we still have a long way to go. The big box o' drugs haven't even arrived yet (delivery Tuesday) and Lupron doesn't start until May 31st. My own 2ww feels like it is a million miles away. I feel like I still have a huge mountain to climb and I've barely taken my first steps. We keep saying that this cycle will be easier because we know what to expect now that we have already been through one IVF.

But what that also means is that I know how much it hurts to get your period before you get the chance to get the first beta done.

I know that a few of the ways to get through this is to stay positive. To surround myself with support. To keep my hubby close and to stay honest about my feelings and what I need. It is just hard because I feel like I don't trust my feelings, am I really feeling like this or is it birth control messing with me?

This blog is amazing for a good rant. Your understanding is so valuable and I appreciate you walking with me.

I am walking with all of you too.

Questions

I am ready to quit my job. It is just a part time job and it is one that I like, but it is just too much for me to go through in-vitro and work at the same time. I have only had one cycle with this job and I was miserable the entire time. Sweaty, cranky and a few times under a lot of stress because, as you all well know, last minute appointments and schedule changes are part of the process and I would be freaking out trying to call out or find coverage for myself (it is a part time job in a small store where I am often the only person working a shift).

I would have to close the store to give myself a shot of Lupron in a questionably clean bathroom every day and deal with cranky customers, while in the back of my mind, only thinking of embryos and shots and stirrups.

I used to have a job where I sat all day and I think it would be easier to go through this with a different job. This one is on my feet 90% of the time taking calls, dealing with customers and taking the daily break to shoot myself in the leg.

I hope I don't sound like I am whining. I probably am. I like this job. I want my next in-vitro to work. I don't think I can do both.

I am very fortunate to not have to work. The extra money is great and comes in handy. I like to be busy and useful and I don't want to quit and just sit around waiting for good news, bad news, any news. I don't want to spend the day sitting alone in my house counting the minutes until my next shot, but I can't help but wonder if stress from this job was part of the reason our first attempt didn't work.

I can get pretty wound up when I am stressed. And sometimes I feel like I am not normal if I am not worried about something. I can't remember the last time I wasn't worried about something...anything.

A few weeks ago things were good all around. We were healthy, no work drama, all family members checking in with good news and all I could do was obsess over a weird smell in the bathroom(!). Not normal weird bathroom smells. ;) I. was. obsessed. It turned out to be a pipe with a dry trap. Not a big deal, but the cause of searching the web, calls to plumbers, questions to family members. What a mess. I am only 5 days into my new cycle. How much more obsessive am I going to get?

That's not really my question. I want to know how you do it? How do you work full time, part time or a little bit of the time and go through in-vitro at the same time? Do you have to give yourself a shot in the bathroom at work? Do you ever burst into tears when it gets overwhelming? Do you have trouble finding your focus in all this?

Sometimes I can't find my focus.

Really dude?

Is what I was so close to saying to the waiter at brunch this morning who went on and on and on in this weird sing song voice saying, "Happy Mother's Day to ALLLLL the Mother's at this table (which was only my MIL) and what would ALLLLL the Mother's like to drink this morning??"

That was the only time today got weird. How did you all do today? I was thinking about you all and praying for sensitivity from all our friends and family (and from those posting on facebook).

xoxo

On a side note, AF showed up. Today. Mother's Day. IVF Round 2 starts now. Go!

When you give a turtle you find in your yard a bath...

...with the loving care you would give to your own child, its time to get this next round of IVF started.

My hubby was getting ready to mow the grass on Saturday and came in to tell me there was a turtle just strolling along the rock bed next to the deck. It is one we remember from last year and we think it made a home under the deck. I noticed it was dirty. So, I got the hose and gave it a little turtle bath. As I was looking at this turtle, I had a quick flash of what I want for the future.

I want to give my own sweet baby a bath in the kitchen sink.

I want to watch the hair of my baby dry naturally after a bath.

I want to wash the dirty hands of little kids who have been digging in the dirt.

And,

I want to help them give the turtle a bath when they find it strolling across the rock bed.

This is not the whole list. It is just what flashed when I turned on the water and ran it over a dusty turtle. I'm waiting for AF. I'm waiting to start our second round of IVF.

I'm wanting. And I'm waiting.

Its Surprising What Gets You

The expiration date on the milk got the tears going today. So did a text message from my brother. Then more tears when my hubby was brushing his teeth and put his arm around me in front of the mirror and said through a mouth full of toothpaste, "We are a cute couple."

I told my MIL that our IVF didn't work and I didn't cry. When I spoke to my brother, I didn't cry either. Sometimes I wonder if I am faking my positive attitude, because just a few minutes earlier I was crying in front of an open fridge. It was the date on the milk. I bought the milk just after the transfer. I vividly remember looking at the date and saying to myself, by the time this milk expires I will know whether we will be parents.

The text message from my youngest brother was so hard. I hadn't told him yet and he was sending me a note to wish me luck at our beta tomorrow. It would have been tomorrow.

Ugh. I just want to change the calendar ahead to next month. I want to start fresh with new dates. I am the kind of person who loves to start new. Blank slate. Spring cleaning. I don't want to go through this process of every little thing reminding me of what could have been. Having to make all the phone calls and face to face talks with all the people who were pulling for us.

I just want to start new. But, I can't yet. I have to wait and go through the process. Right now, it feels like the process is going through me. I'm still floaty.

How long until I feel like myself again?

Me Neither

I got the call at 3:23pm today. It was Nurse Kim. "I'm so sorry honey, the test came back negative."

Negative.

I had a feeling. Yesterday I posted that I refused to POAS. As the afternoon went on the discharge got really dark. Black. So, so nasty. There were streaks of pink, then red. We spent Easter afternoon in a sea of google searches with no definitive answers.

I cried a little bit yesterday. More tears today. We left the family right after Easter dinner. I couldn't focus, I found myself comparing the color of my discharge to the middle of the cherry pie and realized I was no longer sitting at the table. I was floating above it, watching the family laugh and have a good time and all I wanted to do was leave. Come back to the security of our own home and agonize in peace.

There was more discharge this morning, but I went to get the Beta done. I half knew that I already knew the answer.

When the call came in, the discharge had already turned to straight up blood. I knew it was over.

The nurse was sweet. I know I will have more questions. Why? What happened? Did I do something wrong?

Right now, I just need a break. I was relieved when she said I could stop taking the progesterone and estrogen now. I need the break. I am ok. We are ok. If my body says this isn't right, then who am I to question it.

Sushi tonight. A few glasses of chardonnay. We are celebrating life. We are getting ours back after being so consumed with IVF for the past two months.

All is not lost.

Nerves

...of steel? ...breaking down? ...non-existant? Yikes. I feel good. I am nervous. I am all over the map and I have only be awake for an hour. I'm barely halfway through my cup of coffee.

I don't know what it is today. Maybe it is the anticipation of family stuff this weekend... "How are YOU?" blah. Or maybe it is the estradiol giving me a (sometimes twice) daily run to the bathroom. Or it might be the Crinone discharge that is freaking me out! Or maybe it is that I am 9dp5dt and I have read other bloggers who have reached for a HPT at this point and I am afraid to do the same.

I just want to live in peaceful oblivion right now and get through the weekend without a vague HPT dictating how the next few days will go.

When dinner falls on the floor...

I was tired yesterday. I worked a half-day and did some housework when I got home. Hubby was working late and I was making dinner in anticipation of watching my favorite show (LOST). But, the phone rang and dinner took longer than I expected and my favorite show started without me.

My mom used to make something called hot hamburgers when we were kids. It is basically a hamburger (sometimes on a half bun) and smothered in gravy. It is awesome. Last night, I decided to make them.

I was so tired. And clumsy. And when I finally sat down on the couch next to my hubby with my food with my fork in my hand something happened, my hand twitched or my head got distracted, I don't know what it was...but the rest is a blur of the bowl flying through the air, ground beef covered in gravy flying across the room, gravy and bits of beef bouncing off the floor hitting me, the couch, the carpet and the bottom two stairs.

Hubby jumped right up and got some towels. I burst into tears. Hard tears. Tears of someone who is tired. Tired of thinking about whether our IVF worked, tired of medication, tired of waiting and tired of not knowing.

This is the hardest 2ww I have ever gone through.

I am better this morning. The only reminder of the mess last night are my puffy eyes and a lone towel left on the floor.

Yesterday someone asked me if I felt pregnant. It made me stop.

I don't know what pregnant feels like.

I know what it feels like to want to be pregnant. I know what it feels like to think I might be pregnant and I know what being overloaded on hormones feels like.

But, I don't know what pregnant feels like.

I am praying so hard that this is the cycle. I don't want to think about the reasons it might not be. We are hoping that our trouble was just as we thought - incredibly bad timing with inconsistent sperm motility issues thrown in. If that is the case, then IVF worked. Right? But, if it didn't work, something else is going on. But what? I don't know. It hurts my head to think about it.

It is Tuesday already. A week from today will be my first beta.

Big family weekend coming up (it is going to be weird, most of them know what is going on...how do we explain that technically I am pregnant, but we won't know for sure until next week - well, I guess that is how we will say it. Or we could just smile politely and change the subject and then my head explodes over the Easter ham).

I am staying as busy as possible. When I had a lot of downtime during the IUI 2ww, I would fret. I hate that I can get so far into my head that it seems impossible to get back out. I am trying so hard to not do that this time. The blogs (reading and writing) help immensely.

It is going to be ok. We keep saying that we have done everything that we could do. Now we pray.

4dp 5dt

Another day down. 8 more to go. The doctor scheduled our first beta for April 6th...then followed by April 8th.

Time feels like it is going equally fast and slow.

Mirror

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Sometimes I see a pregnant woman. Sometimes I see a flush in my cheeks and wonder, is this it?

Sometimes all I see are questions. Am I pregnant? If I am pregnant, what kind of mother will I be?

What if I am not pregnant this time?

How will I feel when I look in the mirror after...

the results?

Today I am 3dp 5dt.

The Closest We Have Ever Been

Today I am happy to say I have moved on from bed rest to the "light activity" stage of my IVF cycle! I am officially 1dp 5dt. Yesterday afternoon, just after the transfer, the doctor said everything went as perfectly as they could have hoped. We are so happy and trying not to let this beautiful picture of our future and positive words from the doctor build us up too high.

This is the closest we have ever been.

I went to bed Tuesday feeling a combo of nervous excitement. I woke up Wednesday morning early, filled with peace and made a cake. My hubby has been craving cake and I thought it would be a nice way to celebrate a smooth transfer.

The fact that I needed to have a full b.ladder for the transfer was the hardest part. I never do it right. I was way too full and they let me let a little out (half a cup) just to make it tolerable. (They let me use the bathroom the guys use to do their collection...I never knew what it looked like in there! I had to p.ee so bad, I didn't even mind that I was going next to various posters of h.alf n.aked g.irls).

The actual transfer amazed me. The embryologists rolled in the cart and the whole procedure took less than 10 minutes. After 30 minutes of strict bed rest, we were able to go home, pick up some lunch and enjoy the day on the couch.

I am kind of bad at bed rest and got restless towards the end of the day. Today I've been doing a little more, but I'm still in my pjs and haven't done any cleaning today (yay!).

Still a ways to go, but I am enjoying my time as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).

So many of our family and friends have been so supportive and tireless in their prayers and help. We appreciate it so much, but continue to ask for prayers and words of comfort as we try to be patient and have faith in the future.

"You must feel like an egg basket!" These were the first words out of the mouth of the nurse as we all looked at the ultrasound monitor this morning and we saw my ovaries overflowing with follicles.

"You are coming down the home stretch!" "Almost done!" "You're doing great!"

Everybody is saying such supportive things. So, why do I feel like crying or screaming or going to Target and buying a basket (there is that word again) of things I don't need.

I think I do feel like an egg basket. A hormonal, cranky, if I have to have one more shot in the thigh someone is going pay, kind of basket.

Today was my last ultrasound before my very first egg retrieval. Or "egg-straction" as we say around here when I am feeling happy and positive and not stressed and frustrated. I had an ultrasound yesterday too but although estrogen was high and eggs were plentiful, they were a little small, so "please come back tomorrow."

So I did. I got up crazy early two days in a row (the blood work lab is almost an hour away), got stabbed in the arm for the third time this week and then off to the doctor for another vaginal ultrasound (love those). But, we are moving forward as they say and the extraction is scheduled for this Friday!

I'm excited and a little nervous, but more than that I am just plain tired. Tired of the shots, tired of rearranging my schedule around blood draws and ultrasounds and tired of peeing on a stick for the last 5 years and seeing a negative result.

Since this is my first blog post on the subject, I'll give you the quick and dirty. I am a 34 year old woman (married for 6 and a half years) and for 5 of those years, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. We have never been successful, although there have been a few "maybe this time..." moments of late periods and sore breasts that gave us a glimmer of hope.

About three years ago (two years into trying), we decided to see a fertility doctor. We were living in New York at the time and started the process of figuring out what was wrong with us. Results, like for so many, were inconclusive and they diagnosed us with Unexplained Infertility. Awesome. What does that mean???? We decided that means that as a couple we have the worst timing in the history of timing. I guess that makes sense, my husband is a get up super early and then take an afternoon nap kind of guy and I am a sleep till noon and work late into the night kind of girl. Somehow that makes us a great couple, but incredibly bad at reproduction.

As life goes, we decided to move down south and with all the job changing and moving and distractions, we put the fertility stuff on hold and thought maybe a change of locations would be exactly what we need. So we gave it a year on our own. Nothing but faint glimmers and all the prayers and "good thoughts" our family and friends could muster.

At the end of 2008, we were settled in to a new house, life quieted down a bit as we fell into a routine and the peace of the country cleared our heads. We vowed to make 2009 the year of the baby. And we put everything we had into it. Time, energy, MONEY, we let everything else go by the wayside as the focus was getting pregnant. We found a well-recommended fertility doctor, we went through 3 IUI cycles, we prayed, I ate right, exercised, didn't drink coffee or wine, tried not to get stressed and did everything the doctor told us.

It didn't work. 2009 was not the year of the baby.

In January 2010, I made a slideshow of pictures of our history together (10 years together, 6 and a half years of marriage). We watched the slideshow and laughed about silly jokes and fun vacations. The last few pictures were of 2009. All of the pictures were of us eating or sitting on the couch. We didn't go to Thanksgiving with the family because I was having an IUI, we stayed local during the summer because I was having an IUI, we didn't do anything but sit on the couch and feel sorry for ourselves for most of 2009.

We were talking later that night about the slideshow. We both felt the same way. It was depressing looking at the pictures from last year. 2009 sucked. We vowed to do better in 2010.

So, here we are. It was obvious that we couldn't do this on our own, IUIs were not going to work and IVF became the new glimmer of hope.

As I laid on the exam table waiting for the doctor last week, I was on my itouch (thank god for wireless at the doctors office). My feet were in the stirrups and I googled "stirrups" just for the heck of it. I came up with Stirrup Queens and was motivated by all of the amazing women on that site and decided writing could be really therapeutic.

I have a lot more to say. But, it will have to wait till later. I have another shot to get.