I had my yearly appointment this week and it was the first time since the post pregnancy visit a year ago that my feet were once again in the stirrups. It was very quick and completely ordinary and it was truly wonderful to look to the side and see my little man throwing toys on the floor in his stroller oblivious to my exam.
I've always found some comfort (along with a healthy dose of discomfort) at my OB's office. Not since I was a kid did I have a regular doctor and even as an adult, with 6 years of REs, I would always laugh off the question with a "Well, if you consider an infertility doctor a regular doctor..." But an OB (and since I started going, have had about 3 different ones), is the one appointment where it is truly just about me, not me with a cold or me with a problem that needs to be fixed, just me and how I am doing.
Although, now that I type that, my year with a therapist would be just about me, but not really, that was still about a few problems that I needed to work out. Anyway, once the "OMG, N is sooo cute!" was out of the way, my doctor turned and asked very specifically about me. About how I was feeling. Was I getting enough rest? Working? Keeping up with hobbies? Traveling? And I found that every single thing I said went right back to N. And, rightfully so, he has been my entire planet for 13 months. But, it made me realize that maybe I need to branch out a bit more. I mean, to answer her questions...
- Sure, I get enough rest...but I can't fall asleep as early as N does and as much as I would love to sleep in one day, it is impossible unless C is home.
- I'm not working now...but I am very fortunate not to have to go back to work right away and can stay home with my boy. Although at times, I truly miss the grown up conversations and getting dressed up and having a commute to listen to my favorite podcasts and drink coffee when it is still hot and sometimes when I am changing a poopy diaper and taking the millionth load of laundry out of the dryer, I can't help but want to scream, "Is this all that I do??"
- I do try and keep up with some hobbies...but right now, most of my craft supplies are in a closet and it takes me about three times as long to finish anything and even if I try to work on something when N is clean and fed and playing happily by himself I feel like a horrible mother for ignoring him, when I should be reading to him and playing with him and taking his picture and teaching him how to talk and sing and dance and clean the kitchen and pull one more load out of the dryer.
- Oh sure we travel, just last year we went to San Francisco. Oh wait, that was 2 years ago. Sure we travel...but it is to visit out of state family who are missing N. I can't remember the last time we went on a family vacation, but I do know we were a family of 2 then.
It was really nice to go to an appointment and not hear, "Hope I see you pregnant next year!" It was nice to be in the stirrups for something as ordinary as pap. And it was really nice to be the one with the cute baby in the stroller throwing things on the floor.
I expect that next year will be a nice visit too and I'm going to be spending the year working on being there with less buts.