Thursday, February 6, 2014

We'll just have to see

The blogging breaks seem to come more frequently.  It happens to all of us and just when I need it, the blank page is there waiting for my heart and soul to spill all over it.  I'm not really feeling quite that dramatic today, but I thought an update would be good.  Especially since my last post I was still talking about skipping my period.  A few major holidays have passed in that time, my cycle kicked back to normal and my almost 3 year old started pre-school(!). Its kind of amazing how quickly things change.  I'm constantly reminded of that.  I need to be reminded of that even more often though, especially when I start to get too far deep into my head worrying about the future.

We are coming up on go-time.  Not quite yet.  The winter will end before I'm back in the stirrups, but by spring I'll be getting a physical done and talking about thawing embryos and asking questions like, "how many?" How many will thaw?  How many will we put in?  How many times will we try?

I know the answer to how many times will we do another fresh IVF cycle?  Zero.  We did two.  The second one was beautifully successful.  I know what an emotional and physical mess I was during it all.  I don't want to be that mess for N.  He's almost 3 and full of love and energy and I will be present for him.

We are fortunate enough to have 5 frozen embryos.  We have talked about one frozen cycle.  We are prepared physically and financially for one.  I can't say definitively about doing a second if it doesn't work.  I can't predict my desires and emotions.  I have general ideas.  I want to say I'm good with trying one more time and if it doesn't work, we will be happy with our family of 3.  I don't know that if it doesn't work, I won't look at N and feel an overwhelming desire to do whatever I have to do to make him an older brother.

So 2014 is the year we do at least one.  That is for sure.  Everything else…well, we'll just have to see.