Wednesday, February 15, 2012

No and it is OK.

I should have known. I always did know. It is OK. It was hard not to hope though. My period wasn't late, but man I did not feel good. Turns out a crazy stomach bug was taking over Virginia (and other states to be sure) and I took over my stomach for a very long weekend.

I'm not pregnant.

I was super suspicious that I was though. Waking up nauseous is always a sign we cling to. My level of exhaustion was at astronomical levels. Losing 7 pounds over a weekend should have pointed more to the stomach flu, but every morning that I woke up nauseous and every night when I threw up, I would look at my husband and say "Could it be?"


I know better. I know it took 6 years to have our beautiful son. I know I laughed when my mom said "maybe it is all the running you are doing?" Nope, my 2012 New Year's Resolution to run a 10K is not the cause of my past 6 years of infertility. And then there was the part of me that felt tremendous sadness about the 5 frozen embies we have. If I was, by some major miracle, pregnant naturally, what would become of my frozen embies? All of a sudden I missed them and the potential they hold.

I'm so curious about them. It is easy to talk about them in a medical sense. If we decide to do a frozen cycle, they will all be thawed, watched and then the best will be transferred in another IVF cycle. If possible, remaining good ones will be refrozen for another attempt. I know medically what will happen to them. But emotionally I look at my son, who will be a year(!) old next week, and I wonder about his siblings. His siblings that I guess could be considered twins in a way, all put together on the same day. He was chosen, the others frozen and waiting. I miss them. I long for them. Or her? Or him? There is no way to know if one or three or all five would survive the thaw. Would it attach? Would I carry another miracle full term? Can I be the mother of two? Could I be so lucky? Could I be more arrogant that these embies are just waiting for me to say, "Ok. Now."? That I can just snap my fingers and pick a date and stick my feet in the stirrups and get pregnant.

I know it doesn't work that way. That $4,000 for a frozen cycle just buys me a chance. That 5 frozen embies means nothing if they don't make it. IVF was so hard. I know a frozen cycle is easier, but it is still hard. It is hard to stab yourself in the leg or the abdomen or the butt every day. It is hard to open your fridge and see stacks of drugs staring you in the face when you just want some orange juice. It scares me to start that process up again. To stare face to face with a box of drugs knowing that you will use almost everything in there. All the supplies are for you and for you alone. Even if C holds my hand or even plunges the needle, it is still going into my leg. The hormones, the exhaustion, the frustration and even the anger. I'm worried about how that goes during a frozen cycle. Is it easier or harder to know that if it doesn't work, that this is it? I know I don't have it in me for another fresh cycle. If we can't get pregnant with the embies we have, we are all done.

I'm so curious about those embies. They hold our future in their frozen cocoons.


  1. The infertility roller coaster is such a hard one. Hoping that you are able to do the FET soon and with great results!

    {visiting from ICLW - Suzy}

  2. Here's to hoping your TTC future is bright and that you don't ever have to say "Not Pregnant" again...

    {from ICLW} Lavonne @ *Our Wish*

  3. Very interesting...I thought I might be pregnant this cycle also because my AF was/is very late at this point. But after 2 HPT of BFN it is just my body playing tricks on.

    Happy Birthday to your little man! Mine will be 2 on Saturday...they grow way to fast.

    Happy ICLW!

  4. Wow, I didn't know they could refreeze embies. I'm torn about my potential embies because we can't afford to freeze. I wish they could be frozen for donation so they could live with someone else, but I don't know how my DH would feel about it. If they were frozen, though, I have a feeling I'd be feeling what you are about ones that don't get used.

    ICLW #6

  5. I remember the roller coaster when I did it a second time around. I had a LOT of similar thoughts. My last cycle was a frozen and we put in 3 (as we did the frozen cycle before and got nothing) and I got pregnant with my twins! They are now 2 1/2! Sometimes, you just never know! I write all about it in my new memoir coming out soon! I would love to share your success story from baby #1! Let me know if you'd be interested!! Happy ICLW!

  6. Big hugs to you! I have gone through all of those same emotions. I swore after all of my frozen embryos were used and if no pregnancy occurred then I was done, because I just couldn't handle the thought of going through another IVF. But yet here I am again. Good luck in whatever you decide!

    Here for ICLW.

  7. why do people always think that running causes infertility??

  8. Here from Creme. I have frozen embies too and I spend a lot of time tihnking about our snowbabies and wondering who they might be if one of them got to stay with us. It boggles my mind that E. was once just like them, and he only came to us because he developed that tiny bit faster than they did.