Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I was just looking back at my posts from March when I first started this blog, just before my first ever egg retrieval. The excitement and anxiety is vivid in my memory as I re-read my posts and I think about how different I feel this time around. A lot of the emotions are the same, the hopes are the same. As I read though, I find myself very different from that girl of only a few months ago.

More experienced? Maybe. It really has only been a few months. In-vitro makes you grow up fast.

Less stressed? Definitely. Even more now that we have frozen eggs as a backup.

I am definitely much more knowledgeable this time around. I am preparing for the best and as prepared as I can be for the worst. But, writing "the worst" doesn't sound right to me. If this doesn't work, it isn't the worst thing. It will be devastating, plan changing and will take a while to get over and move on, but we are doing our best. We are trying our hardest and when I realized that there isn't anything more I can do, I relaxed.

I am different from that girl who started a blog back in March. Stronger, tougher, smarter. More grown up too.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Transfer story, 2ww officially begins!

Officially 1dp3dt and PUPO. We decided to transfer three embryos. It was something we sat down and discussed since of course going from 0 kids to 3 is a huge deal! The true likely hood of having triplets is very small, but still a possibility, so we needed to see how we truly felt about it.

When I called C to tell him that we had the choice to transfer two or three, he was sold on three right away. I didn't find myself hesitating either. I usually get a pretty immediate pit in my stomach when something doesn't feel right (like when C asked me if I wanted to move from VA to Albany + pit in stomach = No thank you, I love VA) and I didn't feel it. It felt good. Lets be serious though, I am slightly freaked out about the idea of three kids, especially since we have defined ourselves as the couple who can't have kids for the last 6 years. To go from that to mother of triplets, feels like a HUGE jump.

But, I am getting WAY ahead of myself.

The main reason we went with three was because if we transferred two and it didn't work, we didn't want to wish we transferred three. About 10 minutes before the transfer yesterday the doctor came in and confirmed that we wanted to transfer three. We both gave a resounding yes. The doctor said both he and the embryologist were OK with it because I was healthy and our first one didn't work, but he laid out an assortment of things that could go wrong and I started to get worried. *P.S. Not Cool to lay all that out 10 minutes before the transfer!* He left us alone to talk and I had a flash of doubt that quickly disappeared because of C's confidence and my favorite nurse who brought in pictures of her daughter's beautiful, healthy triplets (who were born through IVF!).

The pictures of our three beautiful embryos also made the decision easy. I looked at the picture and thought about only transferring two. Which two? How would I feel about cutting one of the embryos out of the picture? Not happening. Three it is!

Three embryos may lead to triplets. It may lead to twins. It may lead to one. It also may lead to my second failed IVF.

Whichever way it goes, it leads to a very exciting 2WW.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Swollen Ovary Shuffle

We got up super early and got to the lab for a 7:45am retrieval. I had been feeling pretty good all morning, just a few butterflies in my stomach, but we got there right on time. The paperwork from the doctor said no jewelry and so I fought with my ring in the bathroom and a handful of soap, but never got it off. I always show bloat in my fingers, so it was pretty futile to try and get it off. They didn't give me a hard time about it though and they didn't have to cut it off my finger, which was my fear.

I got a little wound up before the doctor got there because he was running late. I've been following directions from the doctor all week and the one that was starred and underlined was the arrival at the office for retrieval, 7am to start at 7:45. By 8:05 I was twitching. I gave my hubby the look and he went to the nurses station to see what was up. I think he also told them I was getting stressed out because all of a sudden there were three nurses on me distracting me like people try to distract a little kid with a set of keys. "Look over here!" They told me there is a built in buffer for situations like this and everything would be fine.

And everything was fine. Better than fine actually. I just got the call today and there were 14 mature eggs, 12 fertilized and we are all set for a Friday transfer! I am beyond thrilled that there are 5 to freeze. The idea of going through another fresh cycle (if necessary) was overwhelming at best. The cramps and bloating all of a sudden don't seem so bad. I'm finding myself smiling as I shuffle off to the bathroom.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Getting close

My eyes are half closed and I just realized I am leaning slightly to the left and haven't bothered to straighten up yet. I'm wiped out.

This weekend was the weekend my inlaws were in town staying with us, you know the same weekend I was coming down the home stretch with the stims and getting ready for a Tuesday retrieval...I knew it would get weird and I wasn't disappointed. Overall, I would say it was a nice weekend and I'm choosing to selectively block out the part where I ended up in inexplicable tears on the steps at Mon.ticello. Everybody was understanding for the most part, but I'm pretty sure my father-in-law is slightly afraid of me now.


Ultrasound went great this morning. Our RE estimated about 20 mature follies and my lining was 11mm! I keep checking off the boxes in my mind at each passing stage and can't help but get more hopeful as we pass each hurdle. Hubby was a super hero giving me the trigger shot tonight (and once again I had the nurse mark the spot with a circle bandaid so there would be no question on where it needs to go). He mixed, he swirled and he injected. I just held my pillow tight and it was over quick.

The inlaws were gone by the time we got back from the u/s today and I wasted no time reclaiming the house and putting things back in order. In a world where I have no control over my own fertility, my energy goes into what I can control and after a big family weekend that means washing sheets, towels, dishes and bathrooms!

So, now what we have been working towards is so close. Retrieval is Tuesday, transfer will either be Friday or Sunday and in the meantime I have and douc.hes to buy.

This morning I asked our RE to print a picture from our u/s today. He gave me a quick funny look, but gave me what I wanted. I wanted something tangible, proof that this is really happening, that all the shots are doing something. Ovary twinges and unnecessary sweating are one thing, but I wanted something I could cheer on.

Come on follies, it is all you now.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Too Hot to Cuddle

Good report today. 5 more days of stims to go. Meno-suck plus Follis.tim and Lup.ron. The RE said it looks like I have plenty of eggs and most of them now are measuring 8mm-111mm, which was a big relief for me. With this being our second IVF, I had been running a few what-ifs though my mind and I'm grateful things are moving along on schedule.

A few of the nurses commented that they were sad to see me back for round two. I'm not sure what to say to that. I'm sad to be back too, but happy that we are getting close and hope is starting to rise.

My mom said that she thought I was much calmer this cycle. I think that has a lot to do with me quitting my job, exercise and changing my diet to a much more fruit and veggie and healthy grains (beef and chicken seem to be making me gag lately). We changed gyms and this one is much closer and more convenient (same shopping center as Target! Hello Target...I always seem to need to run in there for something). We also know a little bit more of what to expect, but that also makes me look for similarities to last time and that makes me nervous that it is different and then happy it is different because last time didn't work. I just made myself tired writing that sentence.

I also feel like I am always sweating and even hubby mentioned I am too hot to cuddle. ;)

This time next week, I'm praying there are some healthy, beautiful embryos growing and getting ready to make my uterus their home for the next 9 months.

Staying chill till then.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

So. Much. Burning.

This is my first cycle with Menop.ur and the RE said it may hurt like a bee sting. May hurt? It burns so much that tonight (my third night) it was so hard to stick it in knowing how much it would suc.k.

I noticed I am super tired and just feel off after the shot too. Shots. There are three. Lupr.on (5ml), (150) and one vial of Menop.ur.

I'm back in for blood work and an ultrasound on Tuesday and we are tentatively looking at June 21 or 22 for retrieval.

I have really felt that this cycle was going really quickly so far, but it feels harder than last time. I am really not digging this whole three shots a day thing, but I did read about the ice trick on a few sites, so I'll definitely be trying that tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

nothing like zero to tears during a 30 second commercial

All it took was a commercial for G.ump to get my eyes welled up. Seriously?? I've had a lingering headache all day and now that I am home I can't seem to get dinner going. All I've managed to do was take my shoes off and sit on the couch. Then the tears from the silly commercial.

Blood work this morning went fine and I worked a half shift (two more to go!), so you can see my day was fairly uneventful, but still, the big tears roll down and my heart knows it is only the beginning. Menopur was added to this round and I'm not exactly sure where that fits in this cycle, although I'm sure we will be discussing it all tomorrow at my u/s.

Sometimes I can't wrap my head around the fact that we are doing this all over again. Last year I had a hard time accepting the possibility of even one in-vitro, now we are into our second.

I can picture myself sitting in the waiting room and I can hear the nurse call my name asking for the 1000th time if I have to evacuate my bladder (her words). I can see myself sitting in my RE's office with the big window overlooking a construction site and I wonder how far along they are since April. I can imagine myself walking to the parking garage, my ear to my cell phone filling my hubby in on the visit and I can see myself driving to St.arbucks (my after u/s treat).

These are the most intense kind of visions and I wonder if there will ever be a time when I remember these moments fondly.

Monday, June 7, 2010

as I sit here with a glass of red

I look at the calendar and see that I have blood work scheduled for tomorrow, an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday and Follistim starts on the 11th. I took a pen and marked yesterday as the first day of AF.

It's happening fast this time. Almost like everything is happening around me, but in a good way. Like a protective little bubble of hormones pushing me along.

Sip. Sip.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

A bonsai tree...and other updates

I started Lupron on Monday and my brother sent me a tree in the mail. It is awesome (the tree, not necessarily the shots in the thigh). He wrote a sweet note about staying focused and remembering to breathe and I really appreciated both his support and tribute to one of our favorite childhood movies (Kar.ate Kid!).

As for that job I've been talking about quitting, they made it easy for me to do last Friday. I told them that I was going to need some flexibility with my schedule coming up at the end of this month for IVF and since they were cool with our first IVF in April, I was expecting the same thing. I was wrong. They started giving me a hard time about the time off and basically as soon as they started saying those words, I started formulating my resignation in my head (future embryos for the win!). It was done within an hour (although I gave them two weeks week to go!). I told them that as much as I enjoyed working there, I need to put 100% of my focus on what I am doing right now.

The day I quit I felt lighter. The radio on the car ride home seemed to only be playing my favorite songs, there was a thunderstorm brewing that brought lightning (which I LOVE) and it seemed like I only hit green lights the whole ride. It just drove the point home for me that I did the right thing. Hubby was completely supportive and although we will have to adjust the budget a little bit, right now, my job is IVF #2.

And I'm getting through it with a tree.