Saturday, September 18, 2010

Never alone

As vacation wound to a close, we had one last family dinner out. Walking out of the restaurant I noticed a man about my age holding a sweet baby girl about 9 months old. I smiled at the little girl and caught the eye of the man and told him how sweet she was, I also told him I am newly pregnant and have spent the week chatting up anybody with a baby.

He told C and I that it took he and his wife about 5 years to get pregnant and as we nodded in understanding he confided that they had been dealing with "fertility stuff." C and I instantly felt a connection to this stranger. As his wife came out onto the porch of the restaurant and smiled at us too, he introduced us as fellow climbers on the fertility mountain. His wife's face lit up and we immediately started sharing stories about panic attacks over shots and crying jags because of over the top hormones. Our husbands were smiling and commiserating right along with us.

In this single moment, infertility connected 4 strangers that normally would have walked on by with nothing more than a smile and nod. We are all out there. It was so freeing to talk to someone who understood. I'm still smiling about that moment. C and I felt so good, that we are never alone. There needs to be more moments like this. We will keep talking about it...long after our baby is grown with babies of their own, we will keep telling our story.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

New to me

Everybody warns you about unsolicited advice when you get pregnant. I feel like I am prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for was what happened tonight.

C and I have been on a two week vacation and it has been awesome. We spent the first week on the west coast and week two on the east coast spending time in both oceans and hanging with family. This vacation has been so long overdue and we are completely loving it.

This week we have been with C's family and they are so excited for us. Some of the extended fam heard the news for the first time (over a toast at dinner last night from C) where I found myself really chatty and excited to share our news for the first time since our BFP. It was a great dinner.
Tonight, some friends of C's sister came over to have dinner with us. They have a 9 month old son who we were all meeting for the first time. Since talk was all about babies tonight, I realized that even though I am pregnant I will always be a little different than the women who got pregnant naturally. It was so obvious while talking to this new mom. She was determined to tell me all about her pregnancy, which tests they took, how many ultrasounds they had, how her delivery was and all the challenging things I have to look forward to (her words), breast feeding, getting peed on...

I found myself backing further and further away from her (both in my head and physically) and when someone tasked me with chopping broccoli, I jumped at the opportunity to take a break from what felt like a surreal pregnancy lecture.

Invitro is a part of me. Every day it makes me appreciate all these little milestones, like telling family at 14 weeks (which she practically rolled her eyes and said, "it's about time"), and making a decision with C and the approval of our doctor not to do the NT scan (which she totally disagreed with and proceeded to tell me all the reasons why).

This is someone I don't ever want to be. One who doesn't understand that some women struggle, that there are a ton of different ways that people become parents and that there isn't only one way to experience a pregnancy. That it isn't her way or its wrong.

I just need to figure out a new way to express myself when I am uncomfortable or feeling intimidated instead of silently chopping broccoli seething with every chop.