Saturday, November 16, 2013


This is the first time I ever skipped a period.  It is new territory for me.  It isn't a big deal.  Except that it is.  Hearing the words from my doctor made it ok though.  She simply said, "sometimes you skip one." They took blood anyway to make sure nothing else is going on and I'll get those results back next week.  I appreciate her words because it made me stop looking so hard at symptoms, at the toilet paper, at myself in the mirror.  I backed off.  Sometimes you skip one.
I'll probably still pee on a stick on Monday.  Day 14.  That number sticks in my head.  I feel like I can be official at that point.  Although 3 sticks and blood work coming back negative should be pretty official.  Sometimes you skip one.

12 days.

Thursday, November 14, 2013


I'm going to wait until I'm 14 days late to take a test and call the doctor turned very quickly into 10 days and I can't take it anymore, "give me the test!"
Took another test this morning. Still nothing, but nerves got the better of me and I wondered if something else was wrong. Doctor got me in this afternoon. I still love her as much as I did when I first met her. She looks at me with warmth and compassion and even though I left with as much information as I came in with, I did leave with a little more clarity in my thinking and a crack in the cloud that is my brain lately.

10 days late...or just simply skipped.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I took a test and then I washed a pot

I guess it is obvious it was negative. There are plenty of reasons I decided to take it, plenty of reasons I probably didn't need to. Plenty of reasons I'll probably take another one in the morning. My pot is clean. Scrubbed sparkling. Cleaner than it has been since it was brand new.

9 days late

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Windy and cold

Today was windy and cold. My brain tried to remember the list of things I needed to do and then I got overwhelmed and didn't do any of them. I got a bit done when C got home, but I really just found myself looking forward to N's nap time and picturing myself wrapped in a blanket watching a show I've been waiting to watch.
 I got crampy on the drive home tonight and felt like my skin was crawling. I wanted to throw my heavy pocketbook and the tote bag that I held in my lap out the window. I told C I was feeling crampy and that the cramps plus everything else in my brain was sending me over the edge. He said it was going to be OK. If I am or if I'm not. It will be ok.

8 days late.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Still shaking my head

Hopefulness. Why do you creep into my life, my daily thoughts, my prayers without any consideration for my mental state? You don't care that I'm afraid of the disappointment.  You don't care that I went into Target and agonized over pregnancy tests vs. tampons. That I considered skipping Zumba tonight just in case...

7 days late.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

And why wouldn't it be late?

It doesn't go away.  I thought it would.  I thought after N was born, and I was lucky enough to be a mom that I was done getting my hopes up for a late period.  I'm not done getting my hopes up.  Standing in the kitchen today with C while N runs circles around us, I could only smirk, shake my head and say "some things never change."  Lots of things do change…just not this.

6 days late.