Thursday, May 27, 2010

and I'm also choosing to donate the boxes unopened to Goodwill

Thank you to those offering extra support for me yesterday. I am choosing hope, but I am also choosing self preservation. After much thought about those boxes of baby clothes, I have decided it is ok to be annoyed by the lack of consideration of my feelings by my family and that I don't have to know those boxes are in the closet waiting for something that may (if we are being truly honest) never come. Who the hell needs that kind of constant haunting from behind a closet door?

My hubby volunteered to go through the boxes to make sure there aren't any notes or sentimental items and then he will bring them to Goodwill. I will then be completely honest with anyone who asks, that it was too much for me to get those clothes while I am right in the middle of a IVF cycle, that I'm sorry they paid to ship them, but I would have appreciated a phone call to see if I even wanted them before just sending me gigantic boxes and that I have donated them to hopefully someone who can use them right now.

I already feel better.

The fact that I thought I should be making the best of it was weighing heavy on my heart. I don't need that. I have enough going on.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I guess there are two ways to look at this

My instinct was to be thrown for a loop. Upset and unable to find the right words. "Thank You" were the words, but the question was, would it be a sarcastic or genuine thank you?

This is what happened. I woke up this morning expecting my medication delivery. I stayed busy all morning, cleaning and painting (my stress reliever) and keeping one eye on the door.

The doorbell rang an hour ago and it was UPS. The driver was at the door with two boxes. Two? That didn't look right. Turns out those boxes were not from the pharmacy. They were from my parents who were spending the week visiting family and who were loaded with baby clothes from my cousins who wanted to send me the hand me downs of their little ones.

My cousins are great people who live very far away and who I really only talk to at family reunions. My family is very close and although we only see each other, at most, a few times a year, when we are together it is like we just saw each other yesterday. This is how I know the clothes were sent with love.

The timing was just incredibly sucky. Here I was, waiting all day for my fertility medication. I was fully expecting to sign for the box, put it on my kitchen counter (take the obligatory picture of it) and then put the cold stuff in the fridge and the rest in a cute bag (so I don't have to look at the pharmacy bag every day) and get in the frame of mind to start the next phase.

Instead I was standing over two boxes of baby clothes. Beautiful things for a girl and a boy and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe.

Then the doorbell rang again. This time it was FedEx with my medication. I know this box, it is the one with stickers all over it that say "Keep Refrigerated". This is the box that was expecting.

I called my hubby. I told him about the medication and the baby clothes. He said it was a good thing. He felt it meant that they are feeling confident for us and supportive of us, and that I will be needing those clothes soon enough.

There are two very clear cut ways to look at this. I could look at it like I'm being kicked when I am already down. Part of me was annoyed at the lack of consideration on their part that the box might be hard to get right now. If you have been reading, you know that I am struggling with this cycle and hope has been hard to come by. Or I can look at it like this...My Drug Delivery Day was lifted by boxes of support and hope for the future from my loving cousins.

I'm choosing hope.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Cherry Picking in the Rain

Feeling a little bit better today. The support on my last post was exactly what I needed. I know I am not quite back yet, but I'm tired of complaining. There isn't much I can do right now, but take the BCPs and wait for the big girl meds (coming tomorrow). The plan is set, I just have to follow it and whatever happens, happens. All I can do is my best to keep myself healthy and get the bad stuff out right here.

We had a good weekend. Hubby and I went cherry picking in the rain high in the mountains and it was one of the most peaceful days I have had in a while. The rain kept most everyone away so it was quiet. The sky was gray and the bright red cherries and tall green trees were a stunning contrast. I talked to him about what is freaking me out this cycle and even though he can't do much right now but hold my hand, he did just that and it took the edge off for a little while.

A special hello to all the people stopping by from ICLW! When I started this blog, I had no idea that anyone would actually read it and now I don't know what I would have done without the support I have gotten so far. It is truly amazing.

I am going to go out today and give a little bit of what you have given me back to the universe today.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

So Much

I don't know what I'm feeling. My head hurts. I think the birth control is making me edgy and cranky. I don't feel like myself and I can't seem to shake it. I am anxious to start the shots and I am paralyzed by the thought that we are going through all this (for the second time) and it might not work again.

A customer gave me a hard time at work today. I didn't really deserve it, but I wasn't really giving her my best either and she sensed it. She also took the opportunity to tell me that I was rude and she was going to tell my manager what a bad worker I am.

She doesn't know. She doesn't know that I am tired. She doesn't know all the conflicting emotions on my heart right now. By the same token, I don't know what might be going on in her life. Why do we take our personal issues out on strangers sometimes? Is it because it makes us feel better, even if just for a fleeting moment? Is it worth it? No. I felt bad the rest of the day. I felt guilty that I was rude and I felt worse that she called me on it, then I was mad that she went over the top complaining and yelling at me.

Did I mention I have a headache? You must have a headache reading my complaints. Did I mention my in-laws are coming for a visit for 4 days just a few days before my retrieval? When my ovaries will feel like they weigh 500 lbs. and my mood is unstable at best. My mother-in-law asked me to be honest about what I might need while they are here. I am really good at smiling through frustration and then getting mad. She is very good at understanding people and she asked me to be honest. To say when I need a break. A nap. Quiet. I am going to try very hard to do that.

I need to do that right now, but I don't really know what I need. I know that I have missed my hubby for the last few days. We have been working long hours and we've just been connecting to eat a quick dinner in front of the TV and collapse into bed. I know that I still want to quit this job even though I don't feel like I should quit.

I know that I want this IVF to work.


I know that we still have a long way to go. The big box o' drugs haven't even arrived yet (delivery Tuesday) and Lupron doesn't start until May 31st. My own 2ww feels like it is a million miles away. I feel like I still have a huge mountain to climb and I've barely taken my first steps. We keep saying that this cycle will be easier because we know what to expect now that we have already been through one IVF.

But what that also means is that I know how much it hurts to get your period before you get the chance to get the first beta done.

I know that a few of the ways to get through this is to stay positive. To surround myself with support. To keep my hubby close and to stay honest about my feelings and what I need. It is just hard because I feel like I don't trust my feelings, am I really feeling like this or is it birth control messing with me?

This blog is amazing for a good rant. Your understanding is so valuable and I appreciate you walking with me.

I am walking with all of you too.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


I am ready to quit my job. It is just a part time job and it is one that I like, but it is just too much for me to go through in-vitro and work at the same time. I have only had one cycle with this job and I was miserable the entire time. Sweaty, cranky and a few times under a lot of stress because, as you all well know, last minute appointments and schedule changes are part of the process and I would be freaking out trying to call out or find coverage for myself (it is a part time job in a small store where I am often the only person working a shift).

I would have to close the store to give myself a shot of Lupron in a questionably clean bathroom every day and deal with cranky customers, while in the back of my mind, only thinking of embryos and shots and stirrups.

I used to have a job where I sat all day and I think it would be easier to go through this with a different job. This one is on my feet 90% of the time taking calls, dealing with customers and taking the daily break to shoot myself in the leg.

I hope I don't sound like I am whining. I probably am. I like this job. I want my next in-vitro to work. I don't think I can do both.

I am very fortunate to not have to work. The extra money is great and comes in handy. I like to be busy and useful and I don't want to quit and just sit around waiting for good news, bad news, any news. I don't want to spend the day sitting alone in my house counting the minutes until my next shot, but I can't help but wonder if stress from this job was part of the reason our first attempt didn't work.

I can get pretty wound up when I am stressed. And sometimes I feel like I am not normal if I am not worried about something. I can't remember the last time I wasn't worried about something...anything.

A few weeks ago things were good all around. We were healthy, no work drama, all family members checking in with good news and all I could do was obsess over a weird smell in the bathroom(!). Not normal weird bathroom smells. ;) I. was. obsessed. It turned out to be a pipe with a dry trap. Not a big deal, but the cause of searching the web, calls to plumbers, questions to family members. What a mess. I am only 5 days into my new cycle. How much more obsessive am I going to get?

That's not really my question. I want to know how you do it? How do you work full time, part time or a little bit of the time and go through in-vitro at the same time? Do you have to give yourself a shot in the bathroom at work? Do you ever burst into tears when it gets overwhelming? Do you have trouble finding your focus in all this?

Sometimes I can't find my focus.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Really dude?

Is what I was so close to saying to the waiter at brunch this morning who went on and on and on in this weird sing song voice saying, "Happy Mother's Day to ALLLLL the Mother's at this table (which was only my MIL) and what would ALLLLL the Mother's like to drink this morning??"

That was the only time today got weird. How did you all do today? I was thinking about you all and praying for sensitivity from all our friends and family (and from those posting on facebook).


On a side note, AF showed up. Today. Mother's Day. IVF Round 2 starts now. Go!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

When you give a turtle you find in your yard a bath...

...with the loving care you would give to your own child, its time to get this next round of IVF started.

My hubby was getting ready to mow the grass on Saturday and came in to tell me there was a turtle just strolling along the rock bed next to the deck. It is one we remember from last year and we think it made a home under the deck. I noticed it was dirty. So, I got the hose and gave it a little turtle bath. As I was looking at this turtle, I had a quick flash of what I want for the future.

I want to give my own sweet baby a bath in the kitchen sink.
I want to watch the hair of my baby dry naturally after a bath.
I want to wash the dirty hands of little kids who have been digging in the dirt.
I want to help them give the turtle a bath when they find it strolling across the rock bed.
This is not the whole list. It is just what flashed when I turned on the water and ran it over a dusty turtle. I'm waiting for AF. I'm waiting to start our second round of IVF.

I'm wanting. And I'm waiting.