Thursday, October 7, 2010

before everything is different

I have tried to post a couple of times this month. Started posts, written a sentence or two or even paragraphs, but ultimately saved them for later or hit the delete button.

My inability to post is much like my inability to finish just about any project I have started lately. My mind is so full of good and exciting things, it is just that my focus is completely out the window.

I feel like my brain, and my body for that matter, is broken up into a 100 piece puzzle and while I am in the middle of putting a piece in, I get distracted (usually by food, or a new idea or my endless to-do list) and have to start all over again.

There are a few freelance job opportunities that I would like to pursue. There are so many projects in my home that I would like to start (completing a few would be nice too). Paperwork that needs to be organized. My brain is torn and I know that at least half of what I want to do doesn't have to get done before my due date...but I feel this self imposed pressure to do so.

I know I am all over the place with this post, this is so indicative of my life right now. I feel this urge to...straighten up my past to be ready for the future...which is coming fast.

The straightening I want to do is not big things, just dozens of small things. Weird organization things, things I never thought much about other than finding comfort in knowing that they are there. Things like my box of elementary and middle school projects and cards. I need them in order. All my pictures both digital and the zillions in boxes, organized by event and year. Clearly marked. Everything in its place.

I guess it is just that I know my life is changing and I don't want to leave anything behind. I'm scrambling to remember myself, my old self before I am different. Before I go from pregnant woman (from 6 years of overwhelmed infertile) all the way to someones mom. I don't want to rush. This might be the only time I get to be pregnant (although my mom hates when I say that and my husband doesn't think this is the only one for us) and I don't want to rush through it. I am having so much fun. Watching my belly expand is unbelievable. Buying a maternity bathing suit last month was awesome. I'm even going to shop for maternity jeans this weekend (I'm over it with the belly band).

I was tired today. No reason especially, I think it is just my brain that is tired. When I told my hubby, he said, "Well, you are almost halfway through." I want to slow this down. I prayed and wished and tried so hard to get here and now it is moving too fast.

I have so much I want to do.

Before everything is different.


  1. This is exactly how I feel! Thank you for putting it into words. And yet I can't get a damn thing done because I am too overwhelmed. This is it, my one time, and I am a hot mess. LOL. Hang in there, and remember to BREATHE!

  2. Hey,

    I normally lurk on blogs, but when I saw this post I had to comment. I love and admire your perspective in all of this, and instead of reading this wishing I was pregnant because it makes me ache in a sad way, I read it and felt excited for everything the future has to hold, expecially if it means another pregnancy. I fretted away my pregnancy and wished so much for my son to arrive, and then felt overwhelmed when life wasn't this rosy thing I had imagined it to be. Life is never rosy, pregnancy included, but this sort of perspective helps one to enjoy it anyway and find the beauty in it.

    Thankyou for you excitement and honesty. I know it has helped me GREATLY today. :)


  3. I think about this too even as I approach my IVF cycle. We are entrepreneurs and our lives are so crazy and we work all hours and run all around town. I think about how different things would be if I had a child and how different they will be if I do.

  4. Uggggg! So I just left you a comment on my blog about how Lupron makes me weepy but it's no where near as bad as the nausea, and here I am; totally tearing up over this post. And I don't even know why!

    Except... I want so badly for everything to be different. And I am so beyond happy that you are there!

  5. I can't tell you how many times I end up putting the ice cream away in the oven and the spoons in the trash. Preggo brain keeps the husband on his toes.

  6. Thanks for stopping by my blog with your words of support! I just read through some more of your blog posts and I am thoroughly enjoying learning more about your journey. I am thrilled that you are preggo and I hope that you continue to have a wonderful pregnancy!

  7. Hi. I'm visiting early from ICWL (#71). Congratulations. yes, it makes total sense, the desire to nest & organize, yet to also get caught up in the philosphical aspects of the change. You are in the midst of an exciting journey, enjoy.

  8. Lovely post; taking stock of everything that you've done while enjoying this new state of being before everything changes again makes sense, as Autism Mom Rising, said. It makes me remember how I felt when I was pregnant fondly.

    So much hope, so much joy, in being pregnant, the excitement of each baby being born, getting to know them. My oldest is turning 21 this year; there's still excitement and joy at getting to watch him grow and be, perhaps all the more because each and every bit of progress is hard fought for him. :-)

  9. I know exactly what you are saying. I hope you're able to find a happy medium that you can do a bit of everything during this exciting time!


  10. My ultrasound is in the afternoon but I'll be thinking of you lovely lady!

  11. I struggled with this too during my pregnancy. Don't worry, you will find a way to enjoy it all!

    ICLW #8

  12. 1st of all Congrats on your Pregnancy! So Happy for you!

    I very much remember feeling like this while I was pregnant.I always felt so scattered brained. I had to try to stop myself, and try to enjoy those precious moments. I still lose my focus allot now, and lots of projects need All that you are feeling is normal. Although I do hope it gets better for you soon!

    Wish you the Best:)



  13. I remember totally feeling like a basket case with all the ramblings in my head! Keep enjoying all of it! It does go way too fast unfortunately! But wait until they're born. That time goes so much faster than you realize too! Congrats on getting this far and good luck!
    By the way, I would love to feature your success story on my blog! Happy ICLW! (#72, 106)

  14. Stopping by for ICLW... congrats on the pregancy! We just decided to go with IFV next cycle! Super excited!

  15. Congrats on your pregnancy!! And consider the scattered-ness good practice for what's coming later. ;)

  16. First visit to your blog. Great post. It must be so hard going from having to work so hard for what you want and think might never be possible to actually being in the situation you craved. Try to enjoy where you are at. Congratulations!

  17. congratulations on your pregnancy. what a beautiful post. i hope you can enjoy and remember the wonderful feeling of being pregnant.