Talking to Myself

Talking to myself has long been a habit of mine. Especially while driving in my car. Years ago, I had a long commute and used the time to work things out while talking out loud. It was my own brand of therapy.

Now that 3 and 1/2 months have gone by since my sweet boy was born, I continue to get flashes of myself and my own needs coming into focus. Like back in April (my last post), I all of a sudden felt frumpy and gross. I needed an overhaul and took care of it. I got my teeth cleaned, my hair cut and colored and started going back to the gym, I even found a pretty top that made me look good while still hiding the belly jiggle. It was nice to wear something new that wasn't a stretched out maternity top.

Then, at the end of May I realized it was time to get my weight back down for good, and I wanted not only to be my pre-pregnancy weight, but I really wanted to be my pre-IVF weight. Which meant I had about 50 pounds to lose. 22 to get back down to pre-pregnancy, plus 30 to get down to my favorite weight (the one where I felt great and got lots of compliments). It is funny to be pregnant and everybody tells you how great you look as you continue to expand...now that I'm not pregnant anymore, those compliments have stopped for obvious reasons.

So, I started (not a diet) but a way of life change in my eating habits. Sugar is OUT. No more sugar in my coffee (I'm getting used to it), no more maple syrup in my oatmeal (dried apples cut up instead for a touch of sweetness) and no more ice cream on the regular. Dark chocolate (70%) is a decent substitute when I need something sweet. No more white bread, rice and pasta (substituting rye bread, quinoa and lots of fruit, veggies and nuts). So far I am down 7 pounds! I know that the weight loss will slow down, but I already feel so much better and while I can't get to the gym as much as I would like (and taking my boy for walks in 100 degree heat is not my idea of a good time), I do feel really good about eating so much better. Lifting a 14 pound baby and going up and down the stairs 16 times a day works as exercise for now.

And now that my physical self is getting back on track (although I still have 43 more pounds to lose, my hair could use a touch up already and my belly could use about a million more sit ups...) I realized yesterday, while talking to myself in the car, that I needed something else. I look at my beautiful son and love taking care of him, but I don't want Mom to be my sole definition. I don't want to be boring to him. I want him to look at me and think that I am awesome (for more reasons than I am the one who keeps him clean and gives him food).

And so, now I am figuring out what else rounds me out as a person. I was just saying to my parents that lately I feel like I am running in circles. Most days, I can just seem to get the bare minimum done; taking care of my son, empty the dishwasher, start dinner and maybe I get a shower. On a good day, I can take care of my son, empty the dishwasher, start dinner, take a shower and maybe do the laundry. Most everyday, I look at the clock and am shocked that it is already 9pm and I can't seem to account for what I did all day. I realize this comes with the territory of having and infant and that it will get easier, but as I work on getting myself back together, I see that this is another area that needs help.

My hubby is understanding and takes over for a few hours when he comes home from work, so I can get a little break, my closest friends with kids live about a days drive away, but their phone support does help too. I am finding lately that my mom, who tries to be supportive, isn't very helpful lately. She doesn't seem to want to hear struggle or bad news from me. She even went so far as to suggest that I had ADHD (which is not the case) and said that she noticed that she could hear in my voice that my hormones were back (I had told her a few days prior that my period was back). I might be wrong, but I honestly felt like I heard a little disappointment in her voice, that the happy cloud of oblivion I was living in since I had my son, was dissipating and real life was starting to kick back in. She was trying to make excuses for why I felt like I was running in circles instead of just listening and offering helpful suggestions, which is all I was looking for.

I don't want my son to grow up in a house where he can't express himself when he is angry or sad or frustrated. I want to be the best mother I can to him and right now, I am working very hard on being honest with my own needs and wants, so I can be an inspiration to him and to myself.