Let me go, I'm peeing in my pants

These are the exact words I said to my husband last night. In all my 36 week pregnant glory while trying to shove something into a box it didn't fit into, I knew I had to pee. I knew I shouldn't try and hold it, but it was such a weird moment. I stood there knowing full well I had to pee, fighting a box that was too small and the tears started to well up in my eyes. C jumped up to rid me of the box stress and gave me a hug. It was a nice, warm hubby hug and I must have relaxed enough, or maybe it was a swift kick from the inside or a combination of the two, but it sent the pee running right down my legs.

Not just a trickle...straight up pee.

And then I started to laugh at the sheer absurdity of what was happening and couldn't say the words, "Let me go, I'm peeing in my pants."

And finally, when my pants were fully soaked and I got my voice back, while I stripped for the laundry and the shower, a thought crossed my mind...

Did my water just break??

I haven't peed my pants in 30 years and I have no idea what water breaking feels like. Logic said it was too early for it to be my water, I haven't had any contractions either and I knew I was going to see my OB this morning, so I just asked her about it at my appointment. I do have to say it is so nice to pee your pants and have such an understanding husband and doctor. Nobody laughed at me (I mean we all did have a good laugh about it after), but the fact that this is such a normal thing during pregnancy is so comforting in its absurdity.

My OB did a check and it was just me peeing my pants last night. I am dilated to 2 cm, 70% effaced and -3 station. I am 36 weeks, 3 days and measuring 37 weeks. My blood pressure is normal, I'm even down 4 lbs from last week (for some reason I was seriously bloated last visit).

We still have a ways to go, but this is certainly the closest we have ever been. As I put sheets on the crib and laid down a waterproof mattress pad I thought, "maybe it is time to start thinking about a waterproof mattress pad for me too????"

With a little help from Nancy Dre.w

I've been doing a lot of research lately about pregnancy fears. Most of the information I have found is all about fears of delivering a baby. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty running through my head about what could happen in the delivery room.

I can picture myself going into labor and getting to the hospital and then I can picture myself with a beautiful baby laying on my chest after delivery. It is just the actual delivery that I can't seem to picture. But, that isn't even what I am worried about. I'm not afraid of labor (at least not today).

The part I am nervous about is how life will change after labor. After those first few crazy weeks of adjusting to life with a newborn. After C goes back to work and I settle into a daily routine.

It is the being a good mom part that has me worried.

**********

When I was younger, I lived and breathed Nancy Dr.ew books. My grandmother and Dad scoured church fairs and thrift shops for the yellow spine hardcovers that were released in the 1960's. I spent hours devouring those books. Absorbing every word. As I grew older and found other books to read and other things to occupy my time, I can't remember the actual day I put the Nancy Dr.ew books away. I don't remember the last one I read, although read them all many times, I don't remember the last one I finished before I put it on the shelf for the last time.

**********

I have had a few moments of stress and physical pain in my life. As a young girl, I used to walk pigeon toed and tripped over my own feet all the time. There are several photos of me with big scrapes on my face from falling down on gravel. As a teenager, I took Kara.te and had my share of bumps and bruises and sore muscles. When I was 15, I cut my thumbprint half off trying to cut a stale bagel. When I was 16, I sprained my wrist while roller skating. And as a 25 year old, I forgot I wasn't Hu.ck Finn and attempted to swing from rope tied to a tree to jump into a lake. I fell and ended up with a concussion and a bruised tailbone.

I had the typical stresses of high school and college and the various stresses of jobs and job loss. I started grinding my teeth the week before my wedding (and stopped after a trip to the dentist). There was definitely stress involved with trying to sell our first house amidst a bad realtor and even worse neighbors. And there was some life stress that led me to visit a therapist for a few months when I entered my 30's.

Then there was the stress and pain of infertility. But, I know you know all about that.

Because of Nancy Dr.ew, I grew up believing I could handle anything that came my way. Whether or not I acknowledged it outright and whether or not it is actually true I grew up believing if Nancy could figure it out, I could too. Whatever "it" is.

Right now, the "it" is motherhood. Nancy never dealt with motherhood in the books that I read. But, there are many mothers that I admire and mothers that I hope I can emulate in even a tiny way. Although, I want to be my own kind of mother. One who is strong and smart and full of love and energy.

It is my goal, but these last few weeks of pregnancy have been hard and are getting harder.

Stress and physical pain. I never had sciatica before and this has shown up in a huge way, making it almost impossible sometimes to take a simple walk across the kitchen. I've heard women mention hitting a wall of exhaustion in the third trimester and that wall smacks me in the face twice a day lately. I feel very clingy to my husband and worry about him on his drive to and from work. I worry that we won't get "everything" done. I think about how our relationship will change and what I will miss about the life we have made for ourselves over the last 10 years.

Nancy taught me how to survive. Now, I need to know that I will be good at this new life. Nobody can tell me ahead of time. I just have to trust myself and know that I have survived so far and that this challenge I can face head on and be the mom I truly want to be.

Some things I'm thinking about with 5 weeks to go

Oh, wait. What? What was I going to write about?

First, pregnancy brain? Totally real.

Back pain? Definitely.

The fact that my den is a half a flight of stairs down from my kitchen and I am more comfortable sitting on the steps to eat and watch tv than go all the way down and sit on the couch. All the way. All 6 steps!

I'm exhausted, jiggly, crampy and achy. I want my body back. I told C that I wake up with the intention of not complaining, there are just so many feelings I am having both physically and mentally I can't help but start to moan about one thing or another.

During IVF I knew I would be so grateful to be pregnant. And I totally was.

As I crossed over several pregnancy milestones I knew I would become more comfortable with being successfully pregnant. And I was.

As I rode smoothly into the second trimester (truly the honeymoon phase) I told everyone within earshot that I loved being pregnant. And I truly do.

There are just some things going on now that I didn't anticipate. I didn't realize there would be a moment where I really wanted my body back (C likes to say that our baby boy is renting my body right now), feeling frustrated with back pain and instant reflux when I bend down to pick something up. I didn't realize the struggle I would have with s.ex. That I would want to and then get so wrapped up in my head and my jiggly body that I can't get very far. C is sweet and understanding, but I'm feeling pretty confused. I didn't know that I would feel so protective of my newly growing family that I would get stressed about the plan for visitors after our baby boy arrives. C and I are on the same page about how to deal with visitors, I just get wrapped up in my own head and start having imaginary arguments in my head (tell me I am not the only one who does this...).

On the other side of 5 weeks, my baby boy is thriving and rolling and pushing and loved the milkshake I had with lunch today. Soon, I am going to meet the little man who has kept me company all day every day for the past 35 weeks. C and I have done a ton of work on the nursery and the crib and dresser get delivered on Tuesday. My parents were over last week to help out with a few projects and they both got to feel a few kicks from their grandson which made them exclaim that they "love him already!" I know the feeling.

At times I am tired and frustrated and stressed and achy. But, I am also in Love. Love with a husband who has ridden this crazy IF and now pregnancy train with me and has consistently made me feel protected and cared for. Love with my body which took 3 IUIs, a lap and 2 IVFs in stride and now has carried a growing baby for 35 weeks in a beautiful way (even if the stretch marks make my belly look like a zebr.a hallow.een costume). And Love for a little boy who reminds me daily that he is growing and getting stronger and getting ready for me to be his mommy.

Overdue recipe...BLT tacos

The secret to the perfect BLT taco is the cilantro.

One of my and C's favorite places to go back home is a tiny, hole in the wall mexic.an restaurant. There about 12 stools spread around 3 counters and if you can't get a seat you will either be eating while walking down a picturesque street filled with small shops and people walking their dogs or driving home to eat in the comfort of your living room. We have been the couple eating while walking down the street. We have also been the ones who ran in to get the food while the car is double parked out front. But, our favorite spot are the two stools right in front of the huge window, where we could people watch and pour fresh salsa on top of our tacos and take huge bites and smile at each other relishing in the deliciousness.

This description makes these tacos seem pretty amazing and maybe it is just because the place has such a special place in our hearts, but I think it has a lot to do with the cilantro.

Back in my first trimester, I had a craving for these tacos and since we weren't making the drive to NY anytime soon, I walked into the grocery store and starting thinking and making a mental list of everything in those delicious bites...

Tortillas

Bacon

Monterey Jack cheese

Tomatoes

Red cabbage

Onion

Cilantro

Mayo

Then I got home and got to work, chopping up the tomato, red cabbage, sweet onion, cilantro and a touch of olive oil and salt and pepper to marinate in a big bowl together. Then I fried up the bacon and crumbled it up into pieces.

When we were ready to eat, I warmed up the tortillas and spread mayo down the center, dropping the crumbled bacon on top of that and then layering the vegetables and cheese on top of that. When I rolled up the tortillas they were so thick I needed toothpicks to keep them closed, but it wasn't really necessary since we were both hungry and these reminded us of home.

So that's it...if you make them, let me know how you like them. If it wasn't 1am and I had the ingredients in the house, I would be making a few right now. I guess I will have to settle for a light snack of cheese and crackers with a Tums chaser.

Balance

As time moves faster and the little elephant on my page gets ever closer to the 40 week mark and my to-do list grows ever longer, I find myself reflective.

I am also finding opportunities to talk to C about what we both are thinking about and hoping for ourselves as parents. During our years of IUIs and IVFs we often found ourselves noticing families and children who may be misbehaving and asking ourselves what we would do and even judging other parents, knowing we would do it better. But, as my due date gets closer, all that knowing becomes very real. What do we know really? Nothing.

I have a very close friend who has an 18 month old and both of them came to stay with us for the weekend. It was a great time and we had a lot of fun, but there were moments where the baby absolutely wore me out. I imagine part of it is because I am 34 weeks pregnant and exhausted enough just by getting through the day, never mind spending it chasing a baby, walking around parks and getting up early and staying up late. By the end of the weekend, I found myself very grateful they were leaving and that made me feel bad. Here was one of my closest friends with her son and all I could think of was that this preview of things to come was more stressful and anxiety inducing than fun.

We live far away from each other and the past few nights I have gotten a few emails from her about her son's struggles with sleep and her and her hubby's difficulty with agreeing how to handle it. I don't really have good advice for her and I'm finding that I don't want to hear about it. It scares me. I spoke to C about it tonight. I told him that her stories were troublesome to me for a few reasons, and that I hope and pray that our sweet boy is a good sleeper, that the two of us are together on how we handle it (and don't turn on each other) and that I am strong enough to let the baby cry if that is what he needs to learn how to sleep.

It is exhausting to try and figure out right now what we will do if we have a similar problem a year and a half from now. It is my instinct to always have an answer. To be definitive in my plan. How can I possibly expect myself to know how this next part of my life will go???

I am not naive enough to think that we will have no problems and parenting will be a piece of cake, but right now the things going through my head are finishing my to-do list, getting through childbirth, and praying for a healthy little boy. C is confident that we can handle anything life gives us (which is comforting and true considering everything we have been through so far), but now I am just struggling with how to support my friend and protect myself from the worries of the distant future. I know she doesn't realize that this is difficult for me to hear. I have known her for 20 years and I know that she is just venting. I know that I can be honest with her, but right now it makes me feel weak to tell her how I really feel. I want everybody to think I am so prepared and ready to handle anything, but inside I am a little twitchy.

I am very honest with C about my feelings. My hopes and my fears too. I don't want to worry him though. I love his confidence in us. I feel it too. I just need to find a healthy balance between taking care of myself and protecting my little growing boy these next 6 weeks, being respectful to my family and in-laws who seem to have a lot of advice right now and my dear friend who is struggling with things that I can't fix and gives me anxiety about the future.

The goals are a healthy little boy in 6 weeks, a new title for me and C and a peaceful, loving life. The trick is the balance.

Does anybody need ovulation test sticks?

I was cleaning out my cabinet and found a box of 6 brand new ovula.tion test sticks (they expire May 2011) that go with the CBE digital ovula.tion test. I just have the test sticks (not the digital test holder), but would be happy to mail them out to the first person who lets me know. Just drop a comment and I'll message you for your address. I'll cover the shipping cost, I just want to give them to someone who can use them.

Close. Time. Almost. Stuff.

I've written posts about how my brain felt like it was all over the place. Like I had so many things I wanted to do before I was due. And now, that due date is the closest it has ever been.

Amazingly enough, a day that I never thought I would get to have came this past weekend. My baby shower. My own. Mine.

It was so surreal. As I walked in the door, the host of the party, a fairly new friend of mine asked me if I was going to cry. I wasn't. And I'm a crier. I was just too happy to cry and made my way around her house to appreciate every detail of the party.

I didn't want to forget a thing. From the small table by the door overflowing with favors to the fabric alphabet blocks hanging from the ceiling. Then from the big bowl of fruit punch on the counter to the cake made to look EXACTLY like the baby quilt I picked out. And then there was the clothesline filled with baby clothes and socks and hats and blankets hanging across the dining room. I didn't want to forget a single detail.

I'm not usually one to post a lot of pictures...but this cake was outrageous!

It was a very small group. I recently moved and most of of my family and friends are 7+ hours away, never mind trying to travel during this endless winter that some are experiencing. But that small group was perfect. Me, feeling especially round and bloaty, surrounded by the people who are closest to me.

This day clicked into place like so many moments of this pregnancy so far. The first time I POAS and it was positive, the first time I walked into my OB's office, the first time a food (steak) made me dry heave, our first class at the hospital, the first time I walked into a maternity store to shop for myself, the day my belly popped and I looked officially pregnant, the first time a stranger noticed and commented on my pregnancy, the first time I realized an orange makes our little guy dance in my belly and the first (of many) times I finished off a bottle of Tu.ms.

And now, at exactly 33 weeks pregnant, surrounded by the baby stuff quickly filling up every corner of our home, I feel a bit rushed. Every Saturday in February is booked with classes at the hospital. There is some well-meaning pressure from friends and family to "help" and I'm feeling a bit lost. I imagine what I am writing will not come out exactly right. Maybe it sounds like I am not grateful. I am beyond grateful. I am just a little overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with a party that was for me, but not for me, if that makes any sense. I guess I am afraid of losing my identity when I become a mom. I wonder if that happens when you get pregnant at 34 years old instead of being much younger or if I am just being selfish.

I know that when I look back at my life, being pregnant will be an absolute highlight. I have LOVED these past 33 weeks. I'm just afraid. Afraid of how completely life is going to change. And I know...when I say that to people who have kids, they immediately launch into how life changes for the better. But, I have been me for a long time. A little lost, a little neurotic and a little goofy.

And, I don't know how to be a mommy without losing the part of me that makes me awesome.