Monday, January 16, 2012

Smiling Through Clenched Teeth

Here is that post where I talk about a younger cousin who just announced her second pregnancy.

It is that gut punch of an announcement that would have brought me to tears a year and a half ago and now just brings me to a stomachache. It is that half sad, and a little bigger half jealous and frustrated ache. Especially over the fact that my chance at #2 involves $4,000 and enormous amounts of stress and pain.

The announcement came over the phone via the family grapevine and the ease of the telling of the news made me feel like she just snapped her fingers and got pregnant, which may or may not be the case. Either way, the green monster showed up in me as quickly as I could muster the words, "good for her!"

That stomachache lingers as I wish her a happy and healthy pregnancy. That stomachache lingers as I think about my challenges for something that seemed to come so very easy for her. That stomachache lingers as I wonder if I'll ever make that announcement and that stomachache lingers as I think about all the women that are still trying for #1.

It was that same, so familiar ache as my period showed up on Saturday, crushing yet again our hopes for a natural, surprise pregnancy. Just when I thought I came to terms with that red stripe on the toilet paper signaling another failed cycle, the gut punching and stomachaches start again as more friends and family announce that #2, or even #3 is on the way.

I hate this. I hate IF, but at the same time, IF brought me N. And he is the greatest person I ever grew.

P.S. I'm still running. Week 3 of training. The 10K is coming up FAST and I'm going to train today (maybe now is a good time). It could be just the thing I need.


  1. Every cycle I get hopeful, and every time AF shows up, even though I know are chances are miniscule, I get disappointed. You're not alone.

    Good luck on your 10k! I am a runner also. Happy ICLW!

  2. Hello from ICLW! I remember feeling very similarly when my brother announced their surprise pregnancy a year ago. You are definitely not alone! GL with your race!!

  3. Visiting from ICLW - I so know this feeling. My brother announced that his girlfriend was pregnant (with his 3rd kid) on the heels of one of my miscarriages. Then my 18 year old cousin announced his grilfriend was pregnant on the heels of my next miscarriage. And because of the timing they stung way worse than they would have otherwise, but they would have been stomach ache inducing gut punches either way. I often hate that I can't just be happy for other people in their pregnancies anymore. I hope when I am healed from this journey, I'll be able to get that part of myself back. I'm sorry for your recent disappointment and sending good luck your way!

  4. Here from ICLW:-)

    Wow, you write words that I have felt so many times about ttc #2. I love that IF brought me my B, but the scars are still there and the pain for knowing it might not happy again is very present.

    Big hugs to you. And good luck with your race!!

    (Courtney from B4H)

  5. how is the training going? when is the 10k?!! sorry I am late on commenting on this post- i swear there is nothing worse than a pregnancy announcement when you are in the throws of IF. seriously I still think they bother me even after I got my bfp.

    hope it is all going well and so happy you are sticking with the training- 10k's are the best distance :)

  6. I really needed to read this! My good friend called me today (in tears) to tell me that on her first month off birth control, she got pregnant. I was thrilled for her, but crushed at the reality of my fertility... The green monster in me just wants it to be easy for ME!

    Way to go training for a 10k!! I ran one once and it was actually a lot of fun!

    ICLW #75