Afraid of death. Up at midnight.

Death has been popping up around me lately and it is the reason I am up at midnight.  I just made three craft projects, one for my son and two for friend's children.  I have a load of laundry in the dryer and I'm watching an old movie.  I'm in a fairly small room, but I've got the TV on, the computer on, the baby monitor on, two lamps and the fan all on.  Even the shredder is on, although I'm not shredding anything.  Even though I am writing my blog post, my email is open.  I'm surrounded by stimulation, but I can't shake the heavy feeling on my heart and mind.

Death has popped up on a few blogs that I read.  Death actually ended the show I was watching and started the movie I am now watching.  My friend's grandfather just passed away too.  I'm afraid of getting old. I'm stressed about what will happen to my parents as they get into their 70's.  I'm stressed that I am not living my life to the fullest that I possibly can because there is no way to know how long we get to be here.  That feeling gives me a pit in my stomach.

I don't want to miss anything and at the same time I'm tired and need a break from the worry and normal life drama.  I need a break from my own thoughts.  I think what will really help is a break from the media.  I just reached over and turned off the TV and closed my email.  I think I need to set some boundaries with the blogs and podcasts and TV and news and updates and all the stuff that overwhelms me with the thought that I am not doing enough.  That life is passing me by and I'm missing it.

I've had to pee for about an hour.  I don't want to stop what I am doing.  I don't want to stop this brain dump, because I keep hoping I'll write the sentence that makes makes it all stop for a minute so I can rest.

I look at that picture again.  The one I wrote about in my last post.  The peace in that photo is palpable. I'm longing for some peace.  DH's job is super stressful right now and I'm worried for his peace too.  Worry that I am not doing enough to help him, worry that I am not enough of a wife for him right now. N had a fever all day Friday, he was so sad and sick and I stayed home with him while DH went out of town to take care of some family business.  Today, my DH has that same fever.  He will be taking it easy tomorrow and I'm happy he will rest, but I know I won't rest and even though he deserves the break, a part of me will wonder when my break will come.  And then I feel like I don't want a break.  If I take a break, I'm afraid of what I will miss.