Friday, May 9, 2014

Flashing Back…again

     One of my most popular posts was one I wrote in 2010 called "Flashing Between Two Worlds" where I wrote about the many differences between my RE and my new OB.  It continues to be one of my favorite posts because I can still remember exactly how I felt in the waiting room and then in the stirrups, with a baby in my belly and cherishing it so hard so I didn't forget a second.
     And now, almost 4 years later, I am again comparing experiences.  This time it is between being a woman finally pregnant after years of in-vitro and a woman who went and got pregnant the old fashioned way.  I want to write "I wasn't supposed to be that girl" The one who gets pregnant without the help of doctors and medicine and surgery and hopes and prayers.  In-vitro made me the girl who schedules an attempt, who puts all the money towards a dream, whose legs are in stirrups over Thanksgiving.  But here I sit.  That girl that in-vitro made now sitting in my memories.  I'm someone who…gets pregnant on my own?  Come on!  Is it true?  I've peed on 6 different sticks since my last post.  Its still positive.  I'm already unable to button a few pairs of pants.
     When you go to a fertility clinic and you pay for in-vitro, some of that money buys you important status.  All the monitoring that feels so exhausting and invasive is so key to keeping what little peace of mind you still have hanging on.  At the first possible second, you are back in the stirrups seeing a miracle (or not…its been both ways for me).  But as someone who got pregnant without help, I'm just like all those other women.  And I'm not sure I like it.  In-vitro made me special in the same way it made me stressed, crazy, irritable, crying, angry, frustrated, poor and the happiest I have ever been.  It was all the things.  All the emotions.  This is so different.  I peed on a stick.  It was positive.  I stared in disbelief.  I showed my husband.  He stared in disbelief.  I made a doctor appt.  I wait (still waiting) over 2 weeks from the positive stick.  Life goes on as normal(?).

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