Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A Lot of Feelings

  There are a lot of emotions after my 20 week scan today and they go further than just today.  Some family medical drama with my mom (scary stuff but slowly getting better) and some travel and some company at the house.  The roller coaster we have been on hasn't slowed down yet although we are close.  Maybe it was preparing me for a little stress during the scan.
  It wasn't major but it started with my appointment being mis-scheduled and I wasn't in the books for a scan at all.  The nurse was confused and then worked to get me squeezed in.  The ultra-sound tech wasn't unfriendly, but we could tell she wasn't happy about this unscheduled scan and it felt sort of rushed and impersonal.  It's A Boy!  And I thought it was going to be a girl.  Then my heart stuttered a bit when I felt my last chance at having a daughter slip away.  I'm welling up thinking about that.  
  When we got back to the doctor I had been in the office and various waiting rooms for almost 2 hours.  My 3 year old was OVER.  IT.  I felt rushed again talking to the doctor about the heart palpitations I have been having (normal) and then when she explained that the ultrasound tech couldn't see all the baby's heart chambers and we had to go back in 2 weeks and again 2 weeks after that for the glucose test.  I walked out feeling like I needed to process it all out loud but really a hungry 3 year old waits for no one.  
  Things are so different with this pregnancy.  I feel much less in control.  This is a surprise.  A miracle.  And it makes me feel a little lost.  It is moving too quick.  If I had a scan like this with my first, I would have had all the time and energy to worry and obsess and even though those things aren't really control they made me feel a little like I had a say.  Time is pressing on and I'm running to catch up.  Its just that my feet are swollen and my sciatica is acting up and my son is changing right before my eyes.  Wait for me!!

1 comment:

  1. I just started blogging again and am getting updated on blogs. Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope all is going well with Baby #2! Prayers for you.