When dinner falls on the floor...

I was tired yesterday. I worked a half-day and did some housework when I got home. Hubby was working late and I was making dinner in anticipation of watching my favorite show (LOST). But, the phone rang and dinner took longer than I expected and my favorite show started without me.

My mom used to make something called hot hamburgers when we were kids. It is basically a hamburger (sometimes on a half bun) and smothered in gravy. It is awesome. Last night, I decided to make them.

I was so tired. And clumsy. And when I finally sat down on the couch next to my hubby with my food with my fork in my hand something happened, my hand twitched or my head got distracted, I don't know what it was...but the rest is a blur of the bowl flying through the air, ground beef covered in gravy flying across the room, gravy and bits of beef bouncing off the floor hitting me, the couch, the carpet and the bottom two stairs.

Hubby jumped right up and got some towels. I burst into tears. Hard tears. Tears of someone who is tired. Tired of thinking about whether our IVF worked, tired of medication, tired of waiting and tired of not knowing.

This is the hardest 2ww I have ever gone through.

I am better this morning. The only reminder of the mess last night are my puffy eyes and a lone towel left on the floor.

Yesterday someone asked me if I felt pregnant. It made me stop.

I don't know what pregnant feels like.

I know what it feels like to want to be pregnant. I know what it feels like to think I might be pregnant and I know what being overloaded on hormones feels like.

But, I don't know what pregnant feels like.

I am praying so hard that this is the cycle. I don't want to think about the reasons it might not be. We are hoping that our trouble was just as we thought - incredibly bad timing with inconsistent sperm motility issues thrown in. If that is the case, then IVF worked. Right? But, if it didn't work, something else is going on. But what? I don't know. It hurts my head to think about it.

It is Tuesday already. A week from today will be my first beta.

Big family weekend coming up (it is going to be weird, most of them know what is going on...how do we explain that technically I am pregnant, but we won't know for sure until next week - well, I guess that is how we will say it. Or we could just smile politely and change the subject and then my head explodes over the Easter ham).

I am staying as busy as possible. When I had a lot of downtime during the IUI 2ww, I would fret. I hate that I can get so far into my head that it seems impossible to get back out. I am trying so hard to not do that this time. The blogs (reading and writing) help immensely.

It is going to be ok. We keep saying that we have done everything that we could do. Now we pray.

4dp 5dt

Another day down. 8 more to go. The doctor scheduled our first beta for April 6th...then followed by April 8th.

Time feels like it is going equally fast and slow.

Mirror

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Sometimes I see a pregnant woman. Sometimes I see a flush in my cheeks and wonder, is this it?

Sometimes all I see are questions. Am I pregnant? If I am pregnant, what kind of mother will I be?

What if I am not pregnant this time?

How will I feel when I look in the mirror after...

the results?

Today I am 3dp 5dt.

The Closest We Have Ever Been

Today I am happy to say I have moved on from bed rest to the "light activity" stage of my IVF cycle! I am officially 1dp 5dt. Yesterday afternoon, just after the transfer, the doctor said everything went as perfectly as they could have hoped. We are so happy and trying not to let this beautiful picture of our future and positive words from the doctor build us up too high.

This is the closest we have ever been.

I went to bed Tuesday feeling a combo of nervous excitement. I woke up Wednesday morning early, filled with peace and made a cake. My hubby has been craving cake and I thought it would be a nice way to celebrate a smooth transfer.

The fact that I needed to have a full b.ladder for the transfer was the hardest part. I never do it right. I was way too full and they let me let a little out (half a cup) just to make it tolerable. (They let me use the bathroom the guys use to do their collection...I never knew what it looked like in there! I had to p.ee so bad, I didn't even mind that I was going next to various posters of h.alf n.aked g.irls).

The actual transfer amazed me. The embryologists rolled in the cart and the whole procedure took less than 10 minutes. After 30 minutes of strict bed rest, we were able to go home, pick up some lunch and enjoy the day on the couch.

I am kind of bad at bed rest and got restless towards the end of the day. Today I've been doing a little more, but I'm still in my pjs and haven't done any cleaning today (yay!).

Still a ways to go, but I am enjoying my time as PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).

So many of our family and friends have been so supportive and tireless in their prayers and help. We appreciate it so much, but continue to ask for prayers and words of comfort as we try to be patient and have faith in the future.

Community

So, about that whole Monday transfer thing...

The doctor called early this morning and said the embryos were looking great and they rescheduled me for a Wednesday transfer. I'm still a little fuzzy on the whole 3 day vs. 5 day thing, but she sounded excited and I'm just happy the little embryos were doing so well.

I am so grateful that we continue to get good news. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and most definitely the hardest thing we have ever gone through as a couple.

The shots were exhausting and were making me mad towards the end because it was right before daylight savings time and I LOVE taking pictures of sunsets, and of course the shots needed to happen at the exact moment of the most beautiful sky. I didn't appreciate the part about the sunset being God's way of telling me beautiful things were coming, instead I would shake my head in frustration and hate that we had to do this. Why us?

Why so many of us?

Maybe this is why. We are a huge group of compassionate women. We can help others. We write blogs, we offer support and lift each other up in times of fear. It is happening to us so we can go and help others. We will raise our babies to be compassionate and loving people. We will appreciate the value of family in a world where values sometimes take a detour and we will reach out to others who are starting their own blogs, starting their own cycle, taking their first shot with a shaky hand unsure of what the future holds.

This is my fifth post and I can feel the immense value of it. Of the community. Of all of us here to help each other.

Maybe it is the hormones talking. Maybe it is the excitement of some positive news. Today is going to be a positive day. I've spent so much time worrying and stressing and it got me nowhere. That is not to say the fear and worry is not right underneath the surface, threatening to take over.

The fear is always there, just not today.

Today! Today is the day. Technically it is the day, although I haven't gone to bed yet and I'm not really very tired. We got the call from the doctor this morning who said he scheduled our transfer for 1pm Monday (tomorrow...um, today...what?). Anyway, I have a list of things to do in the morning before we leave and a bag of things to keep me busy when I am glued to the couch tomorrow afternoon.

Nerves helped me get the motivation to finish painting our spare bedroom tonight (it is a seriously awesome green) and I have some calls to make in the morning (the first being calling out to work). I waited to call out since the doctor said the transfer could be either Monday or Wednesday, but of course I am definitely not going to be at work tomorrow.

I am wondering about the progesterone suppositories. I have been taking them at noon every day, but with the transfer being at 1, do I wait and do it after or before or regular time? That will be my first call of the morning.

I'm also wondering about this bloating...I've been uncomfortable since the retrieval on Friday and I'm hoping it goes away soon (but the major pain has definitely subsided, thankfully)

I'm going to try to get some sleep...but before my head hits the pillow, I need to take care of some of this excess facial hair that came as a bonus gift with the fertility meds. Gross.

Side effects, anyone? I'm hurting today. Egg retrieval was yesterday morning and went really well. We got there at 8:30 and by 9:15 I was drifting off after my shot of Happy Camper. The bruise on my arm is a reminder, but I don't need a bruise to remind me of what went down yesterday.

The actual retrieval went great as I mentioned. When I got back to my room my hubby said I was very cute as I wouldn't open my eyes and every time they asked me if I wanted something I just smiled huge and said, "uh huh".

The doctor said they got 17 eggs and 11 were mature. Based on everything we saw on the ultrasound monitor earlier in the week, I expected more eggs, but we were still very happy with that number.

When we got home and after I did the progesterone suppository (which I had a minor freakout about, since I left it in the fridge with all the other medication and didn't realize until yesterday that it was not supposed to be cold!). I was resting on the couch, watching 30 Rock DVDs and drinking lots of water.

But, the later it got, the more cramping and aching started kicking in and by bedtime I was really uncomfortable. My hubby had picked up a painkiller prescription, but I hate to take stuff like that, so I was trying to get by with Tylenol and rest.

I was stubbon and uncomfortable all night, peeing was a struggle, as was rolling over in bed. My neck and shoulders hurt and the swelling in abdomen was minor but noticeable by me. When I got up this morning, I had a hard time standing up straight.

So, I decided enough was enough. I ate a light breakfast and took one pain pill (instead of 2 - I didn't want to be nauseous or drowsy) and am feeling a little more comfortable. My abdomen is still really tender, but the neck and shoulder pain is significantly less.

We got a call from the doctor about an hour ago and he said, although they thought we had 11 mature eggs yesterday, there were only 7, but they all successfully fertilized(!) and they will call us tomorrow to confirm either a Monday or Wednesday transfer. I was a little disappointed that there were only 7 mature eggs, I felt like we did a lot more work than that, but I know miracles have been done with less and we are confident in the doctors and God's plan for us.

Prayers going up and fingers crossed, I'm off to supposit(?) myself.

P.S. I asked the doctor about leaving the suppositories in the fridge and he said, "no worries". Whew!

Nice to have a day free of doctor appointments AND shots. I'm celebrating by sitting in a recliner eating yogurt. I remember the day before my laparoscopy in January and absolutely dreading the enema that went along with the night before preparations.

To get ready for the retrieval tomorrow, I have another enema tonight. Enema. I almost would rather have another round of shots tonight instead. I joke...sort of.

I feel off. A little excited and nervous too, but mostly I just feel like I want these eggs out of me.

Every once in a while, I feel a twinge in my ovaries, no pain, but maybe it is just knowing there are so many follicles in there and they are close to coming out that I feel like I just want them to be out already. I can't help but think about what pregnant women feel like when the baby is late and they are sitting around all pregnant and wanting that baby out. There are significant differences, but this is as close as I have ever gotten to understanding that feeling.

"You must feel like an egg basket!" These were the first words out of the mouth of the nurse as we all looked at the ultrasound monitor this morning and we saw my ovaries overflowing with follicles.

"You are coming down the home stretch!" "Almost done!" "You're doing great!"

Everybody is saying such supportive things. So, why do I feel like crying or screaming or going to Target and buying a basket (there is that word again) of things I don't need.

I think I do feel like an egg basket. A hormonal, cranky, if I have to have one more shot in the thigh someone is going pay, kind of basket.

Today was my last ultrasound before my very first egg retrieval. Or "egg-straction" as we say around here when I am feeling happy and positive and not stressed and frustrated. I had an ultrasound yesterday too but although estrogen was high and eggs were plentiful, they were a little small, so "please come back tomorrow."

So I did. I got up crazy early two days in a row (the blood work lab is almost an hour away), got stabbed in the arm for the third time this week and then off to the doctor for another vaginal ultrasound (love those). But, we are moving forward as they say and the extraction is scheduled for this Friday!

I'm excited and a little nervous, but more than that I am just plain tired. Tired of the shots, tired of rearranging my schedule around blood draws and ultrasounds and tired of peeing on a stick for the last 5 years and seeing a negative result.

Since this is my first blog post on the subject, I'll give you the quick and dirty. I am a 34 year old woman (married for 6 and a half years) and for 5 of those years, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. We have never been successful, although there have been a few "maybe this time..." moments of late periods and sore breasts that gave us a glimmer of hope.

About three years ago (two years into trying), we decided to see a fertility doctor. We were living in New York at the time and started the process of figuring out what was wrong with us. Results, like for so many, were inconclusive and they diagnosed us with Unexplained Infertility. Awesome. What does that mean???? We decided that means that as a couple we have the worst timing in the history of timing. I guess that makes sense, my husband is a get up super early and then take an afternoon nap kind of guy and I am a sleep till noon and work late into the night kind of girl. Somehow that makes us a great couple, but incredibly bad at reproduction.

As life goes, we decided to move down south and with all the job changing and moving and distractions, we put the fertility stuff on hold and thought maybe a change of locations would be exactly what we need. So we gave it a year on our own. Nothing but faint glimmers and all the prayers and "good thoughts" our family and friends could muster.

At the end of 2008, we were settled in to a new house, life quieted down a bit as we fell into a routine and the peace of the country cleared our heads. We vowed to make 2009 the year of the baby. And we put everything we had into it. Time, energy, MONEY, we let everything else go by the wayside as the focus was getting pregnant. We found a well-recommended fertility doctor, we went through 3 IUI cycles, we prayed, I ate right, exercised, didn't drink coffee or wine, tried not to get stressed and did everything the doctor told us.

It didn't work. 2009 was not the year of the baby.

In January 2010, I made a slideshow of pictures of our history together (10 years together, 6 and a half years of marriage). We watched the slideshow and laughed about silly jokes and fun vacations. The last few pictures were of 2009. All of the pictures were of us eating or sitting on the couch. We didn't go to Thanksgiving with the family because I was having an IUI, we stayed local during the summer because I was having an IUI, we didn't do anything but sit on the couch and feel sorry for ourselves for most of 2009.

We were talking later that night about the slideshow. We both felt the same way. It was depressing looking at the pictures from last year. 2009 sucked. We vowed to do better in 2010.

So, here we are. It was obvious that we couldn't do this on our own, IUIs were not going to work and IVF became the new glimmer of hope.

As I laid on the exam table waiting for the doctor last week, I was on my itouch (thank god for wireless at the doctors office). My feet were in the stirrups and I googled "stirrups" just for the heck of it. I came up with Stirrup Queens and was motivated by all of the amazing women on that site and decided writing could be really therapeutic.

I have a lot more to say. But, it will have to wait till later. I have another shot to get.