Or, when your insides don't match your outsides. Or something like that.
C, Baby N and I went to an acquaintances son's (4 years old) birthday party tonight. Since I haven't been to very many of those, I think it was pretty typical. Fun enough, but mostly watching the kids playing and attempting to make conversation with people we just met.
It was a nice night, but on our way home, as baby N slept in the car seat and C and I recapped the party we realized we had very similar experiences. We knew the hosts of the party through C's job, but pretty much everyone else was a stranger, friendly enough, but still strangers. We had each attempted conversations and jokes, some worked and some fell flat, but no matter the outcome we both found ourselves struggling with what does or should(?) come naturally to most people. Just the art of small talk. Maybe we need to take a class? Or maybe we just need to get out and be more social?
We laughed when we realized maybe we spend too much time with family in that we were disappointed when people gave Baby N a quick smile and wave instead of the endless hugs and kisses and glowing compliments that he gets from our extended families. There was a sense of "why aren't you gushing about how awesome my baby is??". That seems kind of silly to type out right now, but it is what it is. We got so used to our families gushing with little to no effort on our part that to us, this felt like a little letdown. Don't get me wrong, everyone was nice. It is just that so many times in public my insides feel 12 years old, even though my outward gray rooted appearance says 35 and this party was no different.
I sometimes carry baby N on my hip and when I see someone else doing that, I wonder if I look as grown up as they do.
I wonder if I will ever feel as grown up as I look. Do those two things ever catch up with each other?