I was going to call this post negativity, but that sounded to me too much like the results of a pregnancy test and that is not what this is about at all. It is about how it feels to honestly look at yourself and be called out on some negativity that has been coming out of your mouth and showing in your actions.
Growing up, I was known as a pretty positive person. Looking to build other people up, even going so far as to take their feelings and make them my own. Empathy to the nth degree.
It has always been exhausting, but when you are young and only have to worry about school and putting gas in your car, it is fairly easy to deal with. When you are sneaking up on 40, with a toddler, a DH with a stressful job, and have been doing an inordinate amount of not for leisure travel over the past few months, it is much harder to keep your positive flow.
I've been complaining (I recently learned) a LOT about not having any time. It is a very legitimate thing when you have an infant and you are still trying to remember if you already had lunch. It becomes more about poor time management when you have a toddler who sleeps in until 10am and takes a 3 hour nap and have family nearby ready to lend a hand.
So my time management sucks.
It is hard to get called on something you are doing. In my case, doing a LOT of complaining and not a lot of trying to fix the many things bogging me down.
One of those things is a friend of mine. One of my very closest. She is going through a few different things that are challenging and she is complaining. A lot. Daily. Through calls and emails and texts. I'm turning around and telling DH about it. Under the guise of how can we learn from what she is going through, but I think sometimes it is to make yourself feel better as in, "at least I'm not THAT bad." That sucks. On a few different levels.
I'm also listening to many podcasts and audiobooks. Many. All day. Playing in the background, while I feed and play with N, clean the house, drive the car. They are on constantly. They are my friends. They are my escape from the things that bog my mind down. They are my escape from the overwhelming empathy and feelings that I'm not enough for anyone.
DH's job is very stressful right now and I feel like more often than not, I don't know what to say.
N is very challenging to feed right now, in that toddler what worked for me yesterday is definitely not going to work today. He has literally put his pointer finger on one corner of a piece of chicken or fruit or whatever and looked at me like "how dare you put that on my tray??"
I just got finished planning and pulling off a family party (with help) that went beautifully and I felt like somehow someone was going to be disappointed with something. I felt like I needed days to recover afterwards.
I realize that I am putting some imaginary pressure on myself. That if I need help, I just need to ask. I can tell DH that I don't know what to say, but that I wish I did and that no matter what, he has my support and love. I know I can laugh when N will throw a cookie on the floor one day and the next be pushing a chair to the cabinet to get one. When he will ONLY eat avocado and the next day when he pokes at it and says "Ow" with his eyes. I know that party was beautiful. I know everyone said they were happy. I still can't help but wonder if everyone was telling the truth. My family is really good at hiding their true feelings.
I should be packing right now to go on the road again tomorrow. Instead, I am going to go to sleep. I will get up an hour early and pack. An hour will be enough, because I will focus on exactly my task. My phone will be off. My computer will be off. I will get up. Have a cup of coffee and take a shower. I will pack a bag. I will focus on my task and baby step them out of my brain and be in the moment.
Maybe what this is what this is all about. Being in the moment. If you are in the moment, you don't have time to worry about what everybody else is doing or thinking or feeling.
Ok. Tomorrow I start focused. I'll update this and let you know how it goes.