I was going to title this post "A Little Stronger", but I'm feeling more than a little stronger. I won't go so far as to say "a lot", but I'm getting there.
Back in August, and I write that as if it was years instead of weeks ago, I was posting and thinking about death. The feeling was pervasive, getting into my thoughts while washing dishes and dreams at night and happily in the last few weeks, it has been relegated to the far back of my mind, instead of the forefront.
September was a BUSY month and a month in which I had to spend a lot of time alone racking UP the mileage on my car. I had two massive road trips that I had to make alone and not only was I missing DH and my baby boy, I had to drive at all hours, spoiling my reputation of sleeping on long road trips. Audio books and 5hour-energy were my closest friends and as cliched as it might be, I learned a bit about myself.
I learned that it didn't matter if it was my first overnight trip away from my son or my second, I tear up just the same while driving away.
I learned that a little time apart is OK. N was just fine with his Daddy and their boy time is just as important as my alone time.
For both trips I started the night before with thoughts of, "I really don't want to go" "Really. Really. Don't want to go." "Don't need to go, it doesn't matter if I go." But it did and it does and in the end was very worth it. (Again, apologies for the vagueness. This is the nature of trying to keep my blog fairly private).
It had been years since I hit the road like that. It was important because it was for family and getting closer to some relatives that I had been rather distant with over the years and it turned out to be worth it in spades. It reminded me of how important it is to make the time to be with the people we care about. To stay open to possibilities and opportunities that might otherwise make me want to stay under the covers. To make the effort and just be in the moment. To realize that Mentos are my go-to road candy and you must never ever wait until the "next" rest stop.
It also reminded me of how valuable decompression time is after all that travel is too. I'm still working on that one.
I also had some friends in town who came with their children. It was beyond awesome to see our kids play together and strengthened my feelings of a sibling for N. I tear up (again) with the thought of what a wonderful older brother he would be. But, as I watched my friend struggle with a toddler and an infant, watched her wash pump parts and wait up until midnight to pump, only to be awoken less than 4 hours later, I remembered the relief that I felt when I put the pump away, the sheer ecstasy of sleeping more than 6 hours in a row and I realized that I won't be devastated if this doesn't happen again for us.
Our family of three is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
On a different kind of strength note, I dug up and swore at a huge bush, roots and all tonight. I started off just doing some light yard work and asked DH to let me know an hour had gone by. I was just going to trim that gnarly bush in the front and then I was just going to clip it back a little more and then I just started digging. And clipping. And swearing "You will not beat me bush!" After another hour passed my original hour, I got that bush up and out. I filled the hole back in with dirt. It is ready for a new start.
I'm ready for a new start. Stronger than before.