Getting close

My eyes are half closed and I just realized I am leaning slightly to the left and haven't bothered to straighten up yet. I'm wiped out.

This weekend was the weekend my inlaws were in town staying with us, you know the same weekend I was coming down the home stretch with the stims and getting ready for a Tuesday retrieval...I knew it would get weird and I wasn't disappointed. Overall, I would say it was a nice weekend and I'm choosing to selectively block out the part where I ended up in inexplicable tears on the steps at Mon.ticello. Everybody was understanding for the most part, but I'm pretty sure my father-in-law is slightly afraid of me now.

Anyway...

Ultrasound went great this morning. Our RE estimated about 20 mature follies and my lining was 11mm! I keep checking off the boxes in my mind at each passing stage and can't help but get more hopeful as we pass each hurdle. Hubby was a super hero giving me the trigger shot tonight (and once again I had the nurse mark the spot with a circle bandaid so there would be no question on where it needs to go). He mixed, he swirled and he injected. I just held my pillow tight and it was over quick.

The inlaws were gone by the time we got back from the u/s today and I wasted no time reclaiming the house and putting things back in order. In a world where I have no control over my own fertility, my energy goes into what I can control and after a big family weekend that means washing sheets, towels, dishes and bathrooms!

So, now what we have been working towards is so close. Retrieval is Tuesday, transfer will either be Friday or Sunday and in the meantime I have enem.as and douc.hes to buy.

This morning I asked our RE to print a picture from our u/s today. He gave me a quick funny look, but gave me what I wanted. I wanted something tangible, proof that this is really happening, that all the shots are doing something. Ovary twinges and unnecessary sweating are one thing, but I wanted something I could cheer on.

Come on follies, it is all you now.

Too Hot to Cuddle

Good report today. 5 more days of stims to go. Meno-suck plus Follis.tim and Lup.ron. The RE said it looks like I have plenty of eggs and most of them now are measuring 8mm-111mm, which was a big relief for me. With this being our second IVF, I had been running a few what-ifs though my mind and I'm grateful things are moving along on schedule.

A few of the nurses commented that they were sad to see me back for round two. I'm not sure what to say to that. I'm sad to be back too, but happy that we are getting close and hope is starting to rise.

My mom said that she thought I was much calmer this cycle. I think that has a lot to do with me quitting my job, exercise and changing my diet to a much more fruit and veggie and healthy grains (beef and chicken seem to be making me gag lately). We changed gyms and this one is much closer and more convenient (same shopping center as Target! Hello Target...I always seem to need to run in there for something). We also know a little bit more of what to expect, but that also makes me look for similarities to last time and that makes me nervous that it is different and then happy it is different because last time didn't work. I just made myself tired writing that sentence.

I also feel like I am always sweating and even hubby mentioned I am too hot to cuddle. ;)

This time next week, I'm praying there are some healthy, beautiful embryos growing and getting ready to make my uterus their home for the next 9 months.

Staying chill till then.

So. Much. Burning.

This is my first cycle with Menop.ur and the RE said it may hurt like a bee sting. May hurt? It burns so much that tonight (my third night) it was so hard to stick it in knowing how much it would suc.k.

I noticed I am super tired and just feel off after the shot too. Shots. There are three. Lupr.on (5ml), Follist.im (150) and one vial of Menop.ur.

I'm back in for blood work and an ultrasound on Tuesday and we are tentatively looking at June 21 or 22 for retrieval.

I have really felt that this cycle was going really quickly so far, but it feels harder than last time. I am really not digging this whole three shots a day thing, but I did read about the ice trick on a few sites, so I'll definitely be trying that tomorrow.

nothing like zero to tears during a 30 second commercial

All it took was a commercial for For.rest G.ump to get my eyes welled up. Seriously?? I've had a lingering headache all day and now that I am home I can't seem to get dinner going. All I've managed to do was take my shoes off and sit on the couch. Then the tears from the silly commercial.

Blood work this morning went fine and I worked a half shift (two more to go!), so you can see my day was fairly uneventful, but still, the big tears roll down and my heart knows it is only the beginning. Menopur was added to this round and I'm not exactly sure where that fits in this cycle, although I'm sure we will be discussing it all tomorrow at my u/s.

Sometimes I can't wrap my head around the fact that we are doing this all over again. Last year I had a hard time accepting the possibility of even one in-vitro, now we are into our second.

I can picture myself sitting in the waiting room and I can hear the nurse call my name asking for the 1000th time if I have to evacuate my bladder (her words). I can see myself sitting in my RE's office with the big window overlooking a construction site and I wonder how far along they are since April. I can imagine myself walking to the parking garage, my ear to my cell phone filling my hubby in on the visit and I can see myself driving to St.arbucks (my after u/s treat).

These are the most intense kind of visions and I wonder if there will ever be a time when I remember these moments fondly.

as I sit here with a glass of red

I look at the calendar and see that I have blood work scheduled for tomorrow, an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday and Follistim starts on the 11th. I took a pen and marked yesterday as the first day of AF.

It's happening fast this time. Almost like everything is happening around me, but in a good way. Like a protective little bubble of hormones pushing me along.

Sip. Sip.

A bonsai tree...and other updates

I started Lupron on Monday and my brother sent me a bons.ai tree in the mail. It is awesome (the tree, not necessarily the shots in the thigh). He wrote a sweet note about staying focused and remembering to breathe and I really appreciated both his support and tribute to one of our favorite childhood movies (Kar.ate Kid!).

As for that job I've been talking about quitting, they made it easy for me to do last Friday. I told them that I was going to need some flexibility with my schedule coming up at the end of this month for IVF and since they were cool with our first IVF in April, I was expecting the same thing. I was wrong. They started giving me a hard time about the time off and basically as soon as they started saying those words, I started formulating my resignation in my head (future embryos for the win!). It was done within an hour (although I gave them two weeks notice...one week to go!). I told them that as much as I enjoyed working there, I need to put 100% of my focus on what I am doing right now.

The day I quit I felt lighter. The radio on the car ride home seemed to only be playing my favorite songs, there was a thunderstorm brewing that brought lightning (which I LOVE) and it seemed like I only hit green lights the whole ride. It just drove the point home for me that I did the right thing. Hubby was completely supportive and although we will have to adjust the budget a little bit, right now, my job is IVF #2.

And I'm getting through it with a bons.ai tree.

and I'm also choosing to donate the boxes unopened to Goodwill

Thank you to those offering extra support for me yesterday. I am choosing hope, but I am also choosing self preservation. After much thought about those boxes of baby clothes, I have decided it is ok to be annoyed by the lack of consideration of my feelings by my family and that I don't have to know those boxes are in the closet waiting for something that may (if we are being truly honest) never come. Who the hell needs that kind of constant haunting from behind a closet door?

My hubby volunteered to go through the boxes to make sure there aren't any notes or sentimental items and then he will bring them to Goodwill. I will then be completely honest with anyone who asks, that it was too much for me to get those clothes while I am right in the middle of a IVF cycle, that I'm sorry they paid to ship them, but I would have appreciated a phone call to see if I even wanted them before just sending me gigantic boxes and that I have donated them to hopefully someone who can use them right now.

I already feel better.

The fact that I thought I should be making the best of it was weighing heavy on my heart. I don't need that. I have enough going on.