Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Its Surprising What Gets You

The expiration date on the milk got the tears going today. So did a text message from my brother. Then more tears when my hubby was brushing his teeth and put his arm around me in front of the mirror and said through a mouth full of toothpaste, "We are a cute couple."

I told my MIL that our IVF didn't work and I didn't cry. When I spoke to my brother, I didn't cry either. Sometimes I wonder if I am faking my positive attitude, because just a few minutes earlier I was crying in front of an open fridge. It was the date on the milk. I bought the milk just after the transfer. I vividly remember looking at the date and saying to myself, by the time this milk expires I will know whether we will be parents.

The text message from my youngest brother was so hard. I hadn't told him yet and he was sending me a note to wish me luck at our beta tomorrow. It would have been tomorrow.

Ugh. I just want to change the calendar ahead to next month. I want to start fresh with new dates. I am the kind of person who loves to start new. Blank slate. Spring cleaning. I don't want to go through this process of every little thing reminding me of what could have been. Having to make all the phone calls and face to face talks with all the people who were pulling for us.

I just want to start new. But, I can't yet. I have to wait and go through the process. Right now, it feels like the process is going through me. I'm still floaty.

How long until I feel like myself again?


  1. Oh honey, i have no idea how long it will take as I have only had a canceled IVF so far but i know it's different for everyone. For me, after only a canceled cycle, the answer was to immediately start working towards my next cycle, getting things in order, etc. - I had to feel as though I was still working toward our goal even if there was nothing I could do at that moment. It made me feel better to say, "yes, this cycle is a no go, but ahh, there's next cycle." For some it takes finding a genuine sense of peace before proceeding, you just have to figure out what works for you.

  2. Ugh, there are times when I feel this way too. I'm ok and just strolling through life and then something will happen and all the pain from the IVF #1 will start all over again.

    I hate being in this limbo period. It really sucks. I hope IVF #2 can get started quickly.