I got the call at 3:23pm today. It was Nurse Kim. "I'm so sorry honey, the test came back negative."
Negative.
I had a feeling. Yesterday I posted that I refused to POAS. As the afternoon went on the discharge got really dark. Black. So, so nasty. There were streaks of pink, then red. We spent Easter afternoon in a sea of google searches with no definitive answers.
I cried a little bit yesterday. More tears today. We left the family right after Easter dinner. I couldn't focus, I found myself comparing the color of my discharge to the middle of the cherry pie and realized I was no longer sitting at the table. I was floating above it, watching the family laugh and have a good time and all I wanted to do was leave. Come back to the security of our own home and agonize in peace.
There was more discharge this morning, but I went to get the Beta done. I half knew that I already knew the answer.
When the call came in, the discharge had already turned to straight up blood. I knew it was over.
The nurse was sweet. I know I will have more questions. Why? What happened? Did I do something wrong?
Right now, I just need a break. I was relieved when she said I could stop taking the progesterone and estrogen now. I need the break. I am ok. We are ok. If my body says this isn't right, then who am I to question it.
Sushi tonight. A few glasses of chardonnay. We are celebrating life. We are getting ours back after being so consumed with IVF for the past two months.
All is not lost.
I´m so so sorry to read this. This whole thing just sucks. Don´t beat yourself up over this. There´s nothing you could have done wrong. There´s no right or wrong..it´s all out of our hands. We cannot control it, and we shouldn´t let it control us either. I´m glad you got to celebrate some with sushi and wine. yumm..
ReplyDeleteI hope the future will bring a baby for you guys.
Amy, I'm so sorry and yet I know that doesn't do a darn thing to make it any easier. You are in my thoughts... enjoy your sushi & wine!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. Reading your post was difficult because I am still mourning my own IVF BFN from a couple weeks ago. Your plan to grieve and enjoy life helped me through those first days as well. (((hugs)))
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I'm very sorry- it is NEVER easy to get a negative, no matter how many times it happens. It's ok to want to retreat to the safety of your home and grieve. I will be thinking of you. Take care sweety.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry with this outcome. You are right. There is nothing you could have done. It's normal though to think about the what ifs. Take it easy, sushi and wine sounds wonderful.
ReplyDeletei'm soo sorry this didn't work for you :o( my 1st one didn't work either, and so i'm excited to get on to round 2 and get my bfp! i hope #2 is a lucky number for you too :o) *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYour post was so beautifully written. It made me understand although I have only been through one canceled IVF so far. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you experienced this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! I know exactly how you feel. It's never easy getting a BFN, but make that an IVF BFN and it's 100x worse. All we can do is enjoy this time off and drink all the wine and eat all the sushi we can.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry!! I am ordering up a virtual roll and a glass of merlot in your honor. <3
ReplyDeleteThank You. The love and support from YOU, people I have never even met, means so much in a world where my family and friends want to but will never truly understand. I can't imagine going through this without this outlet.
ReplyDeleteOn a food note...tuna sashimi and spicy salmon rolls went a long way in bringing me back to life. ;)
I am so so sorry Amy, this just isn't fair and I cannot believe it. I was so sure for you.
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm only checking in now, kinda been in my own world with only 2 more days to go until I test.
Take good care of yourself, an IVF BFN is somehow so much harder on the body and soul. I wish you peace during this time.
Thinking of you and your family and sending love Xxx