Staying busy is the only way for me to survive this. The moment I get too much time to think, all the what ifs and whys start hitting me in the chest.
I am working on a project for a friend right now and took all the extra shifts I could at work this week. I made a few fun plans with girlfriends and already have a new painting project lined up (for some reason infertility makes me want to paint rooms in my house).
There is one part I am dreading.
Most everyone in our family and friend circle knows our first IVF didn't work. The only people who don't know are going to be the hardest to tell. My mom and dad have been away on a cruise this week (with my mom's siblings). They left before we knew anything and we said we wouldn't try to contact them on the ship because I knew they couldn't keep a secret from the rest of the family if it was good news and I didn't want to make them sad on their trip if it was bad news.
Since we found out this past Monday, we took a day or two to come to terms with it ourselves and then slowly told the people who needed to know. I know that the first call my parents make off the ship will be to me. I know that before they left they were talking like I was already pregnant because they were so confident that all the hard work we did couldn't possibly not work (so did we) and I know that they will be the two most sympathetic and understanding people you ever met.
Why am I dreading it? I think it is just because it is my parents. Always the cheerleaders for me and my brothers, but always the ones to take it so hard when something bad happens to one of us. I don't want to be the one who makes them sad and I really don't want to get all the questions that I don't have answers to.
i'm glad your parents are your biggest cheerleaders, but i totally see how telling them this news is going to be really hard. i absolutely fell apart when i told my sister's that my ivf didn't work. i was so hysterical with one sister in particular, that she couldn't make a lick of sense what i was saying and thought someone died.
ReplyDeletewishing you all the best. and i agree, that staying busy is the best thing right now ... i'm drowning myself in work and it's helping a bit :o)
Hi Amy,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to read of your disappointment with your first IVF cycle, which I can see, on top of the failed IUIs, is an enormous let-down. But you will get through it. You are doing exactly the right things to help you through this time; making sure you are busy, that your activities are varied and include fun and friendship, and writing about it.
Please try to not take on the responsibility for your parents' feelings. They love you, they want you to have the family you want and their hearts ache with sadness for you. They would probably hate to hear that you feel guilt or responsibility towards them, because frankly, you have enough to deal with. Can you see how all of you would be spending precious energy feeling bad for each other?
When I was going through similar difficulties, I made a point of thinking in terms of hope, but never expectation. When I thought or spoke about the next step, I made sure to frame it in terms of willingness, even while knowing there was a risk it wouldn't turn out in our favour. Afterward, I kept reminding myself "I knew there was a risk, and I accept this result." I hope that this is the last disappointing result you will have to experience.
Lisa (ICLW #65 your great life)