Thursday, May 20, 2010

So Much

I don't know what I'm feeling. My head hurts. I think the birth control is making me edgy and cranky. I don't feel like myself and I can't seem to shake it. I am anxious to start the shots and I am paralyzed by the thought that we are going through all this (for the second time) and it might not work again.

A customer gave me a hard time at work today. I didn't really deserve it, but I wasn't really giving her my best either and she sensed it. She also took the opportunity to tell me that I was rude and she was going to tell my manager what a bad worker I am.

She doesn't know. She doesn't know that I am tired. She doesn't know all the conflicting emotions on my heart right now. By the same token, I don't know what might be going on in her life. Why do we take our personal issues out on strangers sometimes? Is it because it makes us feel better, even if just for a fleeting moment? Is it worth it? No. I felt bad the rest of the day. I felt guilty that I was rude and I felt worse that she called me on it, then I was mad that she went over the top complaining and yelling at me.

Did I mention I have a headache? You must have a headache reading my complaints. Did I mention my in-laws are coming for a visit for 4 days just a few days before my retrieval? When my ovaries will feel like they weigh 500 lbs. and my mood is unstable at best. My mother-in-law asked me to be honest about what I might need while they are here. I am really good at smiling through frustration and then getting mad. She is very good at understanding people and she asked me to be honest. To say when I need a break. A nap. Quiet. I am going to try very hard to do that.

I need to do that right now, but I don't really know what I need. I know that I have missed my hubby for the last few days. We have been working long hours and we've just been connecting to eat a quick dinner in front of the TV and collapse into bed. I know that I still want to quit this job even though I don't feel like I should quit.

I know that I want this IVF to work.


I know that we still have a long way to go. The big box o' drugs haven't even arrived yet (delivery Tuesday) and Lupron doesn't start until May 31st. My own 2ww feels like it is a million miles away. I feel like I still have a huge mountain to climb and I've barely taken my first steps. We keep saying that this cycle will be easier because we know what to expect now that we have already been through one IVF.

But what that also means is that I know how much it hurts to get your period before you get the chance to get the first beta done.

I know that a few of the ways to get through this is to stay positive. To surround myself with support. To keep my hubby close and to stay honest about my feelings and what I need. It is just hard because I feel like I don't trust my feelings, am I really feeling like this or is it birth control messing with me?

This blog is amazing for a good rant. Your understanding is so valuable and I appreciate you walking with me.

I am walking with all of you too.


  1. Starting a new cycle always filled me with ambivalence, but ultimately hope. I'm sure you'll experience both along the way.

    I think you should take this opportunity to be true to yourself, your feelings and your needs. If your MIL is being sincere in her offer to help, then take it. I know it's hard to ask for help (I suck at it) but you will be happier in the long run.

    I'll stick around for support as you embark on this next (hopefully final)cycle.

    Oh, and BCPs always make me moody too.

  2. I found your blog through ICLW and I am glad I found you at this time. I started by blog right after my first IVF cycle and I found that blogging and speaking about how I felt as my cycle progressed helped me a lot. I also found that reading other blogs and knowing I was not alone made the whole process easier to deal with. I will keep reading and I will keep praying that this is THE cycle that works for you! Good Luck!

  3. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time! Praying for you today!

  4. I absolutely hate the way the BCP's make me feel too! I just started them a couple days ago, and wow, I feel like crap.

    I hope you find some peace soon.


  5. (((((hugs)))))


  6. It's okay to rant. We can't be upbeat and chipper all the time when we screw with the natural functions of our bodies on a regular basis. (((HUGS))) Take care of YOU. That's what you need to do, love.

  7. I have been there. I did 6 IVF cycles (3 of those were frozen) and I know all too well the emotional toll and stress, especially after already going through one that failed. On the positive side, I now have my family (a 3 year old girl and 8 month old b/g twins). I blog to help others through their journey and I just added your link!! I wish you all the best on this IVF! I will be checking in on you. Happy ICLW & welcome to the blogosphere! (#94 Stress Free Infertility)

  8. Good luck for your cycle and hope it ends up with you being knocked up!!

    Happy ICLW!!

  9. Never underestimate the value of a good rant. It's one of the best parts about having a blog.

    I will be thinking of you - it all does just feel like a huge mountain...waiting for IVF, and the number of steps necessary just to make it to the 2ww. I pray it goes quickly for you.

  10. I'm sorry you had a bad day and things aren't looking so cheerful. I hope this IVF works for you and the journey is worth it.

    ICLW #106

  11. Sorry you had such a rough day. I hope you are able to communicate with your MIL as she ask. It sounds like it will do you a world of good.

    I hope and pray this IVF cycle works for you and you reach your dream.