One!

Going in to the sonogram and possibly my RE's office for the last time, I felt the familiar nervous flutter that I used to reserve for college finals and job interviews.

Getting undressed in Room #5 while hubby stood nearby, I looked up at him and said, "I'm nervous honey." He asked me why. I didn't really have one definitive answer, it was just the combo of being about to find out how we did and exactly how many resulted from how we did.

Climbing into the stirrups and sliding my butt down to the edge of the exam table I tried to figure out just how many times I had been there before. But I never got to the number since Dr. R was ready to go and asked us if were too. We definitely were ready.

I could tell that the doctor did a quick sweep of my uterus before settling on the empty side. With a smile he said, "This is your uterus" then he swept to the side where our sweet little seed is growing and said, "This is your uterus on drugs." :)

Then he simply said, "Here is your baby." It was instant love. But I knew that both of us wanted to say, "Just one?"

When we transferred three embryos, everyone from our RE to strangers told us to prepare for twins or even triplets. So we did. We thought about how we would need to buy a new car and how we would set up the bedroom with three cribs and eventually bunk beds.

That is why our first instinct was, "Just one?"

But, it is not "Just one". It is "One!!!" We feel overwhelmingly blessed and so excited.

Things became so much more real in the moment that Dr. R handed us each a copy of the picture of our beautiful little baby; one for Mommy and one for Daddy (and one for Auntie Kim - the nurse who attached it to our file).

It is real. We haven't been playing make-believe for the past 7 weeks. We can be excited for the future (edd: 3/15/2011!). There are going to be three of us. We are going to be Mommy and Daddy.

I'm so happy! So, so happy.

New vocabulary words

It is that feeling of instant nausea as soon as I get hungry. It is the rolling feeling in my stomach whenever I look at meat in all its forms (steak, ham, pork, chicken). It is the rotten onion that my mom cut into that sent me dry heaving over the sink. It is the occasional cramp that rocks my abdomen. It is the heavy, tender feeling I have in my brea.sts when I take my b.ra off. And it is exhaustion that hits at regular intervals throughout the day.

It is all these things that remind me of the fact that I am pregnant. Even today, at exactly 7 weeks, it is as hard to believe as me winning the l.otto.

I have my first sonogram today. I am so excited and yet a little hesitant because we will (hopefully) find out exactly what is going on in there. Last night, I had a dream that there were 5 babies growing in there. We would be thrilled with just one, two....three. Just praying for more than the zero we have had for so many years.

There have been moments of anxiety. Moments when I didn't know what the cramping was (uterus stretching), moments when I didn't feel the brea.st tenderness as strong, moments when my energy level felt normal and moments when I didn't feel like I could wait one more second to have my first sonogram.

I think those moments are normal. I had to back off a little from writing my own and reading your blogs because it was just too much information. I needed to focus on me and not get wrapped up in advice from Dr. Goo.gle.

Every pregnancy is so different. Every woman is so different.

I still can't believe I have new words in my vocabulary.

Morning sickness.

Sonogram.

Pregnant.

Wow.

Beef. Its not for dinner.

I ordered it tonight at dinner. It looked great when the waitress brought it to the table. I picked up my shiny fork and knife and cut a piece and took a bite. No. Nope. Not even a little bit. Even now (5 hours later), the thought of the beef makes my stomach queasy.

Do you know what I really want? Pizza. All the time. Like right now. Please.

Today I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant and it still feels very much like we are playing make-believe. I look at myself in the mirror and squint to see what might be changes to my body (already?). It feels too early to notice a difference, but then an audible gag from a bite of steak and very tender and full feeling BBS reminds me that this is really happening.

And then I realize I'm smiling when I can't eat the steak.

What are my next steps?

So many amazing women posted beautiful words of support for my (still in awe) BFP, including the awesome Auntie Sissy. She posed the question, "What are your next steps?" It is a great question and one where the answers seem to keep evolving.

We got a few first steps done. We had a celebratory dinner out, we told only immediate family and the close circle of friends who knew we were going through our second IVF. They were all ecstatic as we told them, but we find that we finish up by saying one or all of the following practiced phrases:

We are keeping it close to the vest.

We are flying under the radar.

We are keeping a low profile.

and

Please don't post anything on my Facebook wall yet.

Just protecting ourselves. I am still surprised (and definitely smile) every time I go to the bathroom and there is no sign of AF.

Monday the 12th was our 7 year wedding anniversary. We were going to go back to the same restaurant we were sitting in exactly one week before. Where we looked at each other completely drained from the home stretch of our 2ww. We looked at each other exhausted. Overwhelmed. We looked at each other and tried to talk through our next steps if our second IVF didn't work. But there was something in the air, we still had a lot of hope, but we were just So. Tired. Of. Waiting.

The call came two days later and our world turned upside down and we continue to be so grateful for this miracle.

We didn't end up back at that restaurant, the day got away from us and we ended up staying closer to home for a delicious Italian dinner. I was shocked to find that I couldn't finish my creme brulee dessert. I got halfway through and put my spoon down. I couldn't take another bite.

I have never not finished a creme brulee before. ;)

Glowing

Beta is up to 261!

261, 261, 261, I made her repeat it 3 times. I was waiting for that call, I thought that would make it more official for me. I'm still hovering somewhere between "I'm pregnant!" and "How did this happen?!?" I do know exactly how it happened, but for some reason that has been my rallying cry for the past few days.

When I got the call on Wednesday morning after the first beta, C called from work just as I was hanging up with the doctor. I had wanted to do something special to tell him, since IVF seems to su.ck all the special out of just about everything, but I couldn't contain my tears of joy.

I just blurted out, "I'm pregnant!!"

He blurted out, "How do you know??"

"I know because the doctor just told me!"

"I want to kiss you right now!"

And faster than I could hang up the phone, I jumped in the shower and drove to C's job to kiss him.

How did this happen? It seems like all the hard we went through just melted away and sheer happiness took over. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted and now that it is gone, I realize just how heavy it was. We carried that weight for 3 years (6 if you count trying without doctors), rushing home for shots, smiling through the pain, walking around with a heavy heart all the time.

My thoughts on IVF have always been, "if you ask me, I am going to tell you the truth." Which means that some people get more than they bargained for in the details department. My poor brothers. But, I was honest with them. I can't do this quietly, talking and writing about it was sometimes the only way through it.

I have only told a few people. I called my dearest friend next. I told her she is the one I call when things get surreal. She knew right away.

When people know you are going through IVF, that means they usually know when you are going to find out if it worked. They are usually waiting for a call, not sure if they should call you because they don't want to be the ones to upset you. I get it, I've been hiding out this week.

It is important to us to tell our parents in person, but I think my mom is suspicious. I know as soon as she looks at my face or hears my voice, she will know. I know that as soon as I hear her voice, I will blurt it out again. I am a terrible secret keeper. We invited them over for fried chicken and I have a gift for them...I have NEVER walked into a Buil.d-a-B.ear store in my life, until Wednesday afternoon. Someone had given me the idea of making a bear with some baby accessories as a way to tell people you are pregnant and that idea stuck with me....it will be something they can later give back to the baby.

I called another friend, the one whose bbq we went to on Sunday. She has been rooting for us all along and when I told her, she said she knew already. She told me that when we left the party, she turned to her husband and said, "Amy is pregnant." He asked her how she knew. She said, "Did you look at her? She was beautiful and so calm and just glowing." She said that if I wasn't pregnant, she would have confirmation that her radar was officially broken.

I always hoped that some day someone would use those words to describe me. I had a smile from ear to ear when she told me that.

When I went in for the second beta yesterday the nurse looked at me and said, "Even if I wasn't looking at your paperwork, I can tell you are pregnant. I worked in in an ob-gyn's office for 30 years and you have what the old people like to call the glow."

I am beyond thrilled to have "the glow."

Aside from the crin.one dis.charge, the daily est.radoil stomachache and my now required daily nap time, life feels amazing right now.

107

I'm speechless.

testing my patience...

I tossed and turned all last night. 3:14am. 4:22am. 5:06am. 5:45am. 6:35am. The pregnancy test taunted me from the bathroom. When I woke up for the final time I had decided to do it. I was going to POAS. My brain had been working overtime trying to figure out what to do and I committed to the decision. I grabbed the stick. In my sleepy state, I chased the stream and put it aside to wait for results.

The hour glass blinked. Blinked. Blinked. Then...B.L.A.N.K. Nothing. It was as if it was just turned off by an invisible switch. Can you BELIEVE it was a defective test? The only test I had. The one that kept me up all night. It couldn't give me anything and I was forced to get over it since the opportunity was gone.

9am. I called the doctor the second they opened to see if I could get the beta done today. By the time they called me back and said, "You know...you COULD have gotten your blood drawn today...." it was too late to get the results back today no matter what time I got there.

I got it done anyway. They said they should have the results first thing tomorrow morning (10 hours from now, not that I'm counting) and they will call me.

I hope I can sleep tonight.

I said I wouldn't test

Thats what I said during our first IVF. I would wait until beta. Although, Aunt Flo came before the beta results, so what I said truly didn't matter.

This time, I said the same thing. I am not going to POAS. I will wait and if we are really pregnant, only then will I do it, so I can for the first time ever see what a positive stick looks like.

It has been easy(ish) not to test. I didn't have one in the house. I didn't want to spend $12.99 on a box of two of them. And the local dollar store is too scary, even to just run in and get a cheapie.

Remember when I said I didn't have one in the house? Randomly enough, a few minutes ago I was cleaning the closet and found half a box of unused pink capped ovulation sticks. Mixed in the bunch? A blue capped pregnancy test.

Now, I REALLY want to POAS.

Today is 10dp3dt. My beta is scheduled for Thursday, but I was going through some paperwork today and it said the earliest they would draw blood would be 11dpt. That is tomorrow. I don't know why they want me to wait until Thurs, unless it was just a mistake in scheduling.

So...stay tuned to see if the Hormonal Egg Basket uncaps the blue stick or if she busts into the lab for an early beta...

or both??????????

to be honest...

Everybody mentions how much calmer and less stressed I seem this cycle and for the most part, that is true. There are moments, if we are being completely honest, that are not quite so stress free. Last night was one of those moments. It was fleeting, but it was there. A pit in my stomach that came from just looking a calendar.

I realized that AF is expected this Sunday (if my cycle sticks with the 28 day norm) and beta is not until Thursday. It just gave me flippy guts to know that I'm going to know one way or the other sooner than I thought. And of course AF is expected on a holiday that we are spending at a friend's house.

Which means I will be spending more time in their bathroom inspecting TP than out having fun. That sucks. I am going to say that I am not going to do that and that I am going to have fun and try not to let thoughts of "am I or am I not" take over, but I don't know how successful I will be.

IF has marred so many fun occasions. My memories of holidays over the last two years are filled with that half smile to C, where anyone who looks at me thinks I am having fun in the moments, but he really knows the torment behind my eyes.

I want to be real again.

Ok, enough. I am making sangria for the party (two versions) and I need to go fruit shopping. I'll have to wait until Sunday to see which version I'll be drinking.

Prayers from my Mom

My mother has a gift of writing beautiful prayers. She has written and read one with us before each of our transfers and while our first transfer was unsuccessful and we are waiting patiently for the results of our second, these prayers have given us peace in the hours before each transfer.

I want to share them with you in the hopes that you might find peace in them as well.

Thank you Lord for this day, thank you for our children and for the strength and love you have blessed them with since the day they were conceived. Thank you for the gifts and talents unique to them alone. They have enriched our lives and the lives of all those around them. Send your Holy Spirit down upon A and C today as their desire for new life and family swells in their hearts and strengthens their love for each other. Give them peace and patience as they wait for the results of this procedure. Lord, you said you would always be by our side to love, protect and guide us. Be by their side today, may they always feel your love and watch over them.

Give them wisdom and guidance. And if it is thy will Lord Jesus, send them the miracle of new life. That as a family they will blossom in faith and teach their children of your love for them and their love for you. We ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.

and the second one:

Heavenly Father, we come to you today as a family to thank you for all our wonderful blessings. You know the desires of our hearts Lord. Please be with A and C today as they continue seeking your will for them. They are ready Lord to bring new life into the world

to serve you and fulfill their dreams of a family to complete their circle of love. We ask as a family that you guide the hands of the doctors, nurses and all involved with this miracle of creation. For thine is the glory and to thee we lay down the burden and stress that will make their life complete. Amen.