Friday, July 2, 2010

to be honest...

Everybody mentions how much calmer and less stressed I seem this cycle and for the most part, that is true. There are moments, if we are being completely honest, that are not quite so stress free. Last night was one of those moments. It was fleeting, but it was there. A pit in my stomach that came from just looking a calendar.

I realized that AF is expected this Sunday (if my cycle sticks with the 28 day norm) and beta is not until Thursday. It just gave me flippy guts to know that I'm going to know one way or the other sooner than I thought. And of course AF is expected on a holiday that we are spending at a friend's house.

Which means I will be spending more time in their bathroom inspecting TP than out having fun. That sucks. I am going to say that I am not going to do that and that I am going to have fun and try not to let thoughts of "am I or am I not" take over, but I don't know how successful I will be.

IF has marred so many fun occasions. My memories of holidays over the last two years are filled with that half smile to C, where anyone who looks at me thinks I am having fun in the moments, but he really knows the torment behind my eyes.

I want to be real again.

Ok, enough. I am making sangria for the party (two versions) and I need to go fruit shopping. I'll have to wait until Sunday to see which version I'll be drinking.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your kind words :) I am crossing my fingers that since you are still waiting for your beta as of this morning, that this was successful for you!!! I will be thinking of you.